Sunflowers

Recently I took a trip to Romania. It was an amazing trip, where I got to see God doing some cool things. What I love about God is that He works all around us, allowing us to see His great works and so glorify Him, but He also works in us. He sometimes speaks in the softest venues. He spoke to me through a field of sunflowers. I saw them on the train into Padureni, the small gypsy village that was my home for a week. In Romania, they harvest sunflowers for their seeds and oils. Therefore, there are many fields full of the beautiful flowers, acres and acres of them. I wanted a picture of one of these sunflower fields, but the trip came and went without a convenient moment to snap a picture. So I tried to make it happen. On the last day I was there, I walked through the village, with the intent of walking out of it, onto the main street, and so get my picture. I was alone and had a huge check in my spirit that this was not what I should be doing. So I disappointedly walked back for dinner.

It was then that I was told that I needed to get ready to go show the Jesus film in a neighboring village, we would leave in ten minutes. This was not on the original plan, but as it was the last night for many of us, it was agreed that this was the best use of our time. So we piled into the van. My new friends Emma and Michael were sitting on either side of me. We went by a different road we had not yet travelled. Well, road is being generous. It was more a dirt pathway that had been carved out by wagons and small cars, that had the deepest caverns of pot holes I had ever seen.

Suddenly, I looked up.

There all around us were sunflowers. The dirt path was carved right through the most extensive sunflower fields. I almost came out of my skin, and giggled with glee. Sunflower fields right out of our window. Emma asked if I wanted her to take some pictures since I was in the middle. Of course! Turns out Emma is quite a photographer, far better than I ever could be. She put her body on the window sill and took picture after picture. Due to the pot holes, the van was going at a fantastic picture-taking pace. I was overjoyed.

That is so like God: to answer a want in such overflowing measures that I am filled with joy and gratitude at His unmerited generosity. I didn't get one picture of far off sunflower fields, I got twelve of them right outside my window. So that trip I got to see God move all around me, but also so greatly in me.

Waiting

Recently, a good friend read me this verse: 
"But they soon forgot what He had done 
   and did not wait for His plan to unfold." Psalm 106:13

Waiting for His plan to unfold. How beautifully poetic. A plan unfolding. I confess I want to lay out my plans. Unfolding seems to signify time, often a great deal of time. I don't like to wait. I like to plan, and do everything in my power to make that plan succeed. I tend to have the same disposition on waiting as Dr. Seuss conveyed in Oh The Places You Will Go:

You can get so confused that you’ll start in to race 

down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace 

and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, 

headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place…for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, 

or a plane to go or the mail to come, 

or the rain to go or the phone to ring, 

or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No 

or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite 

or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, 

for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break 

or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, 

or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting.

I don't like the waiting place. But then I go back to the original verse. 
But they soon forgot what He had done 
   and did not wait for His plan to unfold.
In the desert they gave in to their craving; 
   in the wilderness they put God to the test. 
So he gave them what they asked for, 
   but sent a wasting disease among them.


When I don't wait for God's plan to unfold, I give in to my cravings. I put God to the test. And He might give me what I ask for. Oh Lord, I don't want what I've asked for. I want your perfect will to be done. For my cravings, my testing, my laying out of my plans will lead to a wasting disease. Help me to not forget what you have done. Help me to wait for your plan to unfold. 

Love is patient...

This morning I woke up to read 1 Corinthians 13, feeling like I needed a reminder. Thus ensued an amazing conversation with the Lord.
I read about love being patient and kind, not envying, not being proud, or rude, or boastful, keeping no record of wrong, not delighting in evil, but rejoicing in the truth.

I looked at the list several times feeling terribly inadequate. So I prayed, "Oh, Lord, please make me more loving."

He answered with a phrase, "God is love." So I thus inserted God in for love in the passage. Therefore, God is patient and kind. God does not envy, or boast. God is not proud or rude. God is not self-seeking (though He is the only one really allowed to be). God does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. God keeps no record of wrongs. He always protects, always hopes, always trusts, always perseveres.

I then realized He does these things for me. He is patient and keeps no record of my wrong. He is slow to anger with me, even when I fail, sin, rebel. So to pray that I would be more loving is a futile and foolish way to pray, for it implies that I can be more loving. Instead, mine is to abide in God who is Love.

I prayed today for an opportunity to abide in His love, so that He could love through me. He answered by putting me in contact with one person throughout the day, all day, amid technology issues. I wasn't abiding very well at the beginning. But throughout the day my heart turned to Jesus, and patience came, and the desire to boast or get angry vanished. Today, I knew the God who is Love.

Battle and Victory

Today, Jesus won a huge victory in my life! Unfortunately, victory can't come without there first being a battle. It's so interesting to me, how we, as humans, are such creatures of habit. We habitually put ourselves in the same horrible situations over and over again. We then habitually try to get out, using the same wretched techniques. So there is a battle, a battle between the habitual, recurring sin, and the newness that Jesus brings through surrender, trust, and redemption.

Today, I was plagued by a habitual way of relating to people. I find when it comes to people, Satan's greatest recourse is not violent anger or hatred, but petty annoyances, which stem from darker places in my heart.  I want to hide and run away.  I feel powerless to change. Today, Jesus showed up in my habitual weakness. He spoke truth. I in turn communicated the hurt and irritation I was so afraid to communicate. Instantly, the weight was lifted. The annoyances gone. My face turned toward Jesus. And the words I thought would cause so much harm, were received with grace and truth. Today, Jesus won a huge victory in my life!

Starting Fresh

"He makes all things new." Nothing reminds me of this truth more than the beginning of a new school year. Going through the isles of Office Max new packs of crayons, paper, markers, and glue make me giddy. Then to see those same school supplies in my room, in their designated spot (untainted by the chaos that students bring:) makes it feel like home. I have my syllabi copied. I have my seating chart done (or will before students come in tomorrow). I have my rosters in hand, and I am thrilled. I am teaching almost all new classes, most of them Bible. It is a new year!  There is energy and electricity in the air. It is a new year! I realize how much God has changed me, and am excited to show it off. This year already has begun with my mind focused on Jesus in a way that hasn't happened before. I think God gives us new beginnings physically so that we realize that He is in the business of new beginnings. "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new." He is in the business of starting fresh. 

My File Cabinet

Several years ago I took the Strengths Finder Test. I found it absolutely fascinating as I love everything having to do with personality profiling. This particular test is built on the premise that if we all work from a place of our strengths rather than trying to accommodate our weaknesses we will be more productive, happier people.

So my strengths.. they are all pretty nerdy: achiever, responsibility, learner, intellection, and input. Basically I like to gather information, think about it, store it, and use it to point of completion (so there is a nice little check by it at the end of the day). The one that has got me thinking lately is input. Someone with this strength is a collector. My form of input is in collecting information.

See, my brain works like a file cabinet. I hear information. If I find it interesting in any way, it gets filed in my file cabinet under nice little labelled folders. Later (sometimes much, much later) I hear a conversation, a speech, a sermon, and a file folder is pulled up in my brain. I quickly scan through the contents and find a connected piece of information. Once a file folder is opened, and a connecting tid bit is pulled, I feel compulsively driven to share that nugget.

It plays out like this: Someone talks about who at school is CPR certified, my CPR file folder is drawn up. Several pieces of information pop up: 1. where the AED machine is 2. all the people that were at the CPR training 3. my roommate and coworker is not on the list (and should be) 4. my friend who had to resuscitate two people one being a horrific story where the person died. Once these bullets in the folder come up I have to share them. Usually not all, but I obsess about it, till a compulsion makes me: raise my hand and tell the group where the machine is, call out my roommate as certified, and share to the person beside me a snippit of the horrific story, "a friend of mine has had to do CPR twice," I whisper, though if I'm being honest the number will often be exaggerated for storytelling effect.

It's funny how it works, one bullet of information could be under many file folders and therefore useful in many scenarios. Like my brother's potato gun story can be filed under accidents, eyes, potatoes, my brother, fainting at the sight of blood, awkward people or situations. It is also funny too, because in social situations, conversations can go from one topic to another so quickly that I will often get backlogged on folders and bullets accessed. A file folder might pop up, a nugget identified, I go to share it, but the conversation shifts. So I am left with a compulsion to share that which is no longer relevant, so I anxiously await another folder to be accessed, hoping it will happen soon.

Honestly, I love this about my brain. As a teacher it comes in really handy. The last two days back for teachers have given me many opportunities to open my file cabinet, pull out a folder and share information. I only pray that I might live with this great gift surrendered to God, for if not I am a poser know-it-all, trying to get attention and acclaim. But this strength surrendered can be a great tool to bring glory to God.

sadness

The last few days have been laced with a deep and inexplicable sadness. Not sure when it started or what caused it, but tears have been close to the surface for days. So today, I let them come and with them came some faces of this sadness. My heart is homesick for heaven and for Jesus. I am sad because of my own sin: my pride, my critical spirit, my lack of self-control. I am sad for those who are lost without Jesus. I am sad for dear friends who long to have children and can't. I am sad for friends who are far away wishing they were close enough to call up for a cup of tea and a hug. I am sad for the dissatisfaction that drives me most of the time. It drives me to constantly be looking and longing for what is next. It causes me to pray for that next thing instead of all these other things that God cares about. I am sad because I know God loves me, I don't doubt it at all, yet I don't deserve it at all either. I am sad for the current lack of driving vision. I am sad for the years, the gifts, the opportunities I have wasted. So the inexplicable sadness got exchanged for over-explicable sadness.

When your heart feels this heaviness, good girlfriends are always a good remedy. Mine tonight let me know that this could be the Father stirring me, getting me ready for something, or trying to teach me something. Or, the second option is that this deep sadness is from the enemy of our souls trying to distract, tempt, overwhelm. My heart says that either way it will soon be seen for what it is. Also, the best remedy is to turn to Him, to look on his face, and see the same sadness there that I might be comforted. When I seek the "face place", if it is from Him, He will accomplish what He desires; if it from our enemy, God will then have victory.

So Lord, tonight I give you this sadness. I don't know where it came from, but I bring it to you. My heart says, "seek His face," your face O Lord I will seek. I curl up in your lap and cry. For you care about my tears and can carry my burdened heart. If this is from you, may it accomplish something beautiful in me. If it is from Satan, may you gain all the victory. Either way, I am yours, and I pray you be greatly glorified.