Recently I have felt like I am inside a very hot pressure cooker. The pressure is streaming out in a loud, high pitched sound. Many things have been thrown in: convention speaking, sub plans, grading, changing schedules, burn out beginning, trainings, death of a loved one, lessons, deadlines.... pressures.
Today I awoke overwhelmed with the pressure feeling like I would explode out the miniature spout that is shouting for attention. I cried out to Him who knows and understands the pressure that I am under. He responded. See, a pressure cooker will explode if left unattended. But if the chef comes when the screech begins, and lifts the lid. The pressure that had been mounting is instantly relieved, and an amazing soup is produced. So today, my Great Chef, lifted the lid. I feel like he lifted it enough to add a few more ingredients and will soon put the lid back on. But I know He is producing in me perseverance, character and hope. I know the end result will be beautiful. And I know that when I feel like I am screeching and about to explode from the pressure, He will lift the lid and give me instant relief.
PS it is funny how the pressure and the relief both cause tears, just a different heart behind them.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Thursday, October 20, 2011
My first attempt at poetry
The Walls Around My Heart
A little girl played and laughed
oblivious
unaware
that inside her
a heart beat with life and joy.
But then
a sting
a stab
made her take notice.
A thin pink gossamer
she pinned to her heart.
She liked how it waved and flowed.
But then
a strike
a stroke
made her retreat and hide.
A clear, tall sheet of glass would do the trick.
Her heart still seen.
But then
a shock
a shot
made her enclose, self-protect.
Brick and mortar would do the trick.
The protection made her secure.
But then
a slander
a sorrow
a searing pain
a surrounding despair
a send off
a slight
a suffering so deep
An iron gate would seal it off
cut it at the knees.
NEVER AGAIN
But then
darkness overwhelms
silence suffocates
pain endures.
I hid.
I ran.
The walls around my heart so firmly in place.
The little girl was lost
unobserved
unbeloved.
The gossamer
The glass
The brick and mortar
The iron gate
But then He bids me come.
"Will you open your gate?"
His kindness bids me come.
I turn the key and once again
a slander
a sorrow
a surrounding despair
I can't see.
I can't breathe.
Yet I turn the key.
His light bids me come.
The gate swung open and once again I stand.
But then He bids me come.
"Will you pull down your bricks?
I want to see inside."
"Why?" I ask.
"There's nothing to behold."
I take a brick and once again
a send off
a slight
a suffering so deep
I can't do it.
I cling to the brick.
If it comes down,
I'll fall down too.
But His brightness bids me come.
The wall falls down and so do I.
Now I'm on my knees.
No further can I go
No one may enter in.
All I know is hiding and retreat.
But then He bids me come.
"Inside I see a heart,
a heart that once belonged.
I want a closer look
But this glass is so strong.
Will you melt it down?"
He bids me as He comes.
The fear I thought I knew, threatens to overtake.
What if I'm undone?
But His glory bids me come.
I set fire to the glass
As my tears fall,
so does my wall.
I feel vulnerable and exposed
unraveled and betrayed.
Once again
a shock
a strike
a shot
a stroke
a stroke
The wind blows as I weep.
The pink gossamer takes flight
a laugh
a giggle
as it dances in the light.
His love bids me come.
He doesn't even ask.
I see it in His eyes.
He wants me to unpin,
that which now brings delight.
I turned the key
I held the brick
I set light to the glass
How much more could He want?
I knew before I asked, He wants my very heart.
My hand trembles as I walk
to the thread I hold so dear.
Worry fills my eyes
But then He bids me come.
So hidden had it been
But now as I unpinned
I saw beneath the sheet
a piece of all of me.
I was shocked to see a name,
a name not my own
written on my heart
It was not what I feared:
Something ugly and unknown.
Instead I saw
the sting, the stab, the strike, the stroke, the shock, the shot,
the slander, sorrow, searing pain,
the surrounding despair,
the send off, slight, and suffering so deep
Had etched inside of me
The name that Bids me Come.
And now my heart throbs and swells with joy
unhindered by my walls.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Unraveled
The other night I was crocheting. As I compared the panel I was currently working on to another I had already completed, I noticed a drastic change in size. I had done one way too tight and so there was half an inch difference in width and length. The individual panel looked great, but compared to the other it was greatly deficient. I pulled out hours of work and rolled it into a big ball, which is devastating.
My life feels like that right now. It feels like my life in the minuscule looks good, the stitches are lined up and put together. But... when compared to the grand scheme of life, of this Christian life, I am deficient. God has been unraveling me, to put me back together as a closer image of His Son. He's unraveling my short fuze at school. He's unraveling coping habits that have been engraved in my head since high school. He is unraveling the old self that still moves and lives inside me. He is currently putting all those into a big ball of yarn.
It is hard to be unraveled. There is a sense of loss. If I just look at the piece in front of me, I think that it looks good and there is no reason to take it apart. But in the big picture, God pulls apart so that He can restore, so that all the pieces will work together to make a beautiful whole. So this gives me hope. Lord God, please unravel all that does not conform with the image of your Son. I want to look like a beautiful replica of His character, and that can't happen if my good enough panels don't all match up. Thank you for making me more than good enough.
My life feels like that right now. It feels like my life in the minuscule looks good, the stitches are lined up and put together. But... when compared to the grand scheme of life, of this Christian life, I am deficient. God has been unraveling me, to put me back together as a closer image of His Son. He's unraveling my short fuze at school. He's unraveling coping habits that have been engraved in my head since high school. He is unraveling the old self that still moves and lives inside me. He is currently putting all those into a big ball of yarn.
It is hard to be unraveled. There is a sense of loss. If I just look at the piece in front of me, I think that it looks good and there is no reason to take it apart. But in the big picture, God pulls apart so that He can restore, so that all the pieces will work together to make a beautiful whole. So this gives me hope. Lord God, please unravel all that does not conform with the image of your Son. I want to look like a beautiful replica of His character, and that can't happen if my good enough panels don't all match up. Thank you for making me more than good enough.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
The Greatest Good
I have been thinking about my future plans a lot. I have been saying that whatever I do, I want to do the "greatest good." There is a very specific picture in my head of what this means. I read stories of missionaries who took in orphans and refugees, who clothed the naked and fed the hungry, all while preaching the Gospel. This is in my mind the greatest good. So I have wanted very desperately to make my future plans line up with this idea. How much good am I doing now? Could that good increase if I follow this course of action or that course of action?
God gently convicted me this morning as I read His word. "It is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this is not from yourselves, it is a gift of God- not by works so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:8-10. See in my desire to plan to do good, I was growing in a future pride. I want one day to hear good and faithful servant. This I think is good, but only when in its proper place. If I do good to get a crown at the end, I am missing the mark. God reminded me today that He prepares good works for me. He thus will reveal what these good works are in His timing. And what He considers the greatest good for me and through me, might look really different than my plans.
In the end: I am saved by grace. I do not earn salvation, nor do I earn grace. I am His workmanship. He has prepared good works for me.
God gently convicted me this morning as I read His word. "It is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this is not from yourselves, it is a gift of God- not by works so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:8-10. See in my desire to plan to do good, I was growing in a future pride. I want one day to hear good and faithful servant. This I think is good, but only when in its proper place. If I do good to get a crown at the end, I am missing the mark. God reminded me today that He prepares good works for me. He thus will reveal what these good works are in His timing. And what He considers the greatest good for me and through me, might look really different than my plans.
In the end: I am saved by grace. I do not earn salvation, nor do I earn grace. I am His workmanship. He has prepared good works for me.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Sunflowers
Recently I took a trip to Romania. It was an amazing trip, where I got to see God doing some cool things. What I love about God is that He works all around us, allowing us to see His great works and so glorify Him, but He also works in us. He sometimes speaks in the softest venues. He spoke to me through a field of sunflowers. I saw them on the train into Padureni, the small gypsy village that was my home for a week. In Romania, they harvest sunflowers for their seeds and oils. Therefore, there are many fields full of the beautiful flowers, acres and acres of them. I wanted a picture of one of these sunflower fields, but the trip came and went without a convenient moment to snap a picture. So I tried to make it happen. On the last day I was there, I walked through the village, with the intent of walking out of it, onto the main street, and so get my picture. I was alone and had a huge check in my spirit that this was not what I should be doing. So I disappointedly walked back for dinner.
It was then that I was told that I needed to get ready to go show the Jesus film in a neighboring village, we would leave in ten minutes. This was not on the original plan, but as it was the last night for many of us, it was agreed that this was the best use of our time. So we piled into the van. My new friends Emma and Michael were sitting on either side of me. We went by a different road we had not yet travelled. Well, road is being generous. It was more a dirt pathway that had been carved out by wagons and small cars, that had the deepest caverns of pot holes I had ever seen.
Suddenly, I looked up.
There all around us were sunflowers. The dirt path was carved right through the most extensive sunflower fields. I almost came out of my skin, and giggled with glee. Sunflower fields right out of our window. Emma asked if I wanted her to take some pictures since I was in the middle. Of course! Turns out Emma is quite a photographer, far better than I ever could be. She put her body on the window sill and took picture after picture. Due to the pot holes, the van was going at a fantastic picture-taking pace. I was overjoyed.
That is so like God: to answer a want in such overflowing measures that I am filled with joy and gratitude at His unmerited generosity. I didn't get one picture of far off sunflower fields, I got twelve of them right outside my window. So that trip I got to see God move all around me, but also so greatly in me.
It was then that I was told that I needed to get ready to go show the Jesus film in a neighboring village, we would leave in ten minutes. This was not on the original plan, but as it was the last night for many of us, it was agreed that this was the best use of our time. So we piled into the van. My new friends Emma and Michael were sitting on either side of me. We went by a different road we had not yet travelled. Well, road is being generous. It was more a dirt pathway that had been carved out by wagons and small cars, that had the deepest caverns of pot holes I had ever seen.
Suddenly, I looked up.
There all around us were sunflowers. The dirt path was carved right through the most extensive sunflower fields. I almost came out of my skin, and giggled with glee. Sunflower fields right out of our window. Emma asked if I wanted her to take some pictures since I was in the middle. Of course! Turns out Emma is quite a photographer, far better than I ever could be. She put her body on the window sill and took picture after picture. Due to the pot holes, the van was going at a fantastic picture-taking pace. I was overjoyed.
Waiting
Recently, a good friend read me this verse:
"But they soon forgot what He had done
and did not wait for His plan to unfold." Psalm 106:13
Waiting for His plan to unfold. How beautifully poetic. A plan unfolding. I confess I want to lay out my plans. Unfolding seems to signify time, often a great deal of time. I don't like to wait. I like to plan, and do everything in my power to make that plan succeed. I tend to have the same disposition on waiting as Dr. Seuss conveyed in Oh The Places You Will Go:
I don't like the waiting place. But then I go back to the original verse.
But they soon forgot what He had done
and did not wait for His plan to unfold.
In the desert they gave in to their craving;
in the wilderness they put God to the test.
So he gave them what they asked for,
but sent a wasting disease among them.
When I don't wait for God's plan to unfold, I give in to my cravings. I put God to the test. And He might give me what I ask for. Oh Lord, I don't want what I've asked for. I want your perfect will to be done. For my cravings, my testing, my laying out of my plans will lead to a wasting disease. Help me to not forget what you have done. Help me to wait for your plan to unfold.
"But they soon forgot what He had done
and did not wait for His plan to unfold." Psalm 106:13
Waiting for His plan to unfold. How beautifully poetic. A plan unfolding. I confess I want to lay out my plans. Unfolding seems to signify time, often a great deal of time. I don't like to wait. I like to plan, and do everything in my power to make that plan succeed. I tend to have the same disposition on waiting as Dr. Seuss conveyed in Oh The Places You Will Go:
You can get so confused that you’ll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place…for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come,
or a plane to go or the mail to come,
or the rain to go or the phone to ring,
or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No
or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting.
Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps,
for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls,
or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting.
I don't like the waiting place. But then I go back to the original verse.
But they soon forgot what He had done
and did not wait for His plan to unfold.
In the desert they gave in to their craving;
in the wilderness they put God to the test.
So he gave them what they asked for,
but sent a wasting disease among them.
When I don't wait for God's plan to unfold, I give in to my cravings. I put God to the test. And He might give me what I ask for. Oh Lord, I don't want what I've asked for. I want your perfect will to be done. For my cravings, my testing, my laying out of my plans will lead to a wasting disease. Help me to not forget what you have done. Help me to wait for your plan to unfold.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Love is patient...
This morning I woke up to read 1 Corinthians 13, feeling like I needed a reminder. Thus ensued an amazing conversation with the Lord.
I read about love being patient and kind, not envying, not being proud, or rude, or boastful, keeping no record of wrong, not delighting in evil, but rejoicing in the truth.
I looked at the list several times feeling terribly inadequate. So I prayed, "Oh, Lord, please make me more loving."
He answered with a phrase, "God is love." So I thus inserted God in for love in the passage. Therefore, God is patient and kind. God does not envy, or boast. God is not proud or rude. God is not self-seeking (though He is the only one really allowed to be). God does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. God keeps no record of wrongs. He always protects, always hopes, always trusts, always perseveres.
I then realized He does these things for me. He is patient and keeps no record of my wrong. He is slow to anger with me, even when I fail, sin, rebel. So to pray that I would be more loving is a futile and foolish way to pray, for it implies that I can be more loving. Instead, mine is to abide in God who is Love.
I prayed today for an opportunity to abide in His love, so that He could love through me. He answered by putting me in contact with one person throughout the day, all day, amid technology issues. I wasn't abiding very well at the beginning. But throughout the day my heart turned to Jesus, and patience came, and the desire to boast or get angry vanished. Today, I knew the God who is Love.
I read about love being patient and kind, not envying, not being proud, or rude, or boastful, keeping no record of wrong, not delighting in evil, but rejoicing in the truth.
I looked at the list several times feeling terribly inadequate. So I prayed, "Oh, Lord, please make me more loving."
He answered with a phrase, "God is love." So I thus inserted God in for love in the passage. Therefore, God is patient and kind. God does not envy, or boast. God is not proud or rude. God is not self-seeking (though He is the only one really allowed to be). God does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. God keeps no record of wrongs. He always protects, always hopes, always trusts, always perseveres.
I then realized He does these things for me. He is patient and keeps no record of my wrong. He is slow to anger with me, even when I fail, sin, rebel. So to pray that I would be more loving is a futile and foolish way to pray, for it implies that I can be more loving. Instead, mine is to abide in God who is Love.
I prayed today for an opportunity to abide in His love, so that He could love through me. He answered by putting me in contact with one person throughout the day, all day, amid technology issues. I wasn't abiding very well at the beginning. But throughout the day my heart turned to Jesus, and patience came, and the desire to boast or get angry vanished. Today, I knew the God who is Love.
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