My Story Part 3: Settling

For any single person there is the fear and temptation to settle. I did not experience my singleness unscathed from this temptation.

The possibilities:

• The simple-minded. Great guy, but he couldn't play scrabble. He was not my equal in intellect. Am I being too picky? I am a snob? Should I go out with him anyway?
• The mess. Oh he was nice, but he completely lacked confidence. His clothes were wrinkled. He second-guessed himself. He brought friends along (whom he played a chess on his phone with the whole time) to our second date. Could I get past his insecurities? 
• The homebody. He lived with his parents. He had never traveled more than 70 miles from home. We had so little to talk about. Should I stick it out? Should I bear through the boring conversation? 
• The nice guy. He was an elementary teacher. He loved travel. He was kind and gentle. He was interested and interesting. He was taking guitar lessons. But he didn't really talk about God. I asked where his relationship with God was, he simply answered, "it could be better." This one was hard. Was God asking me to be the catalyst for him to deepen his walk with God? Was it ok to just be a church goer? We were compatible in so many other ways, was it ok to compromise on faith? He had potential.

With each of these men, the temptation to settle raged. I turned away from each, some a little more willingly than others. I was not willing to compromise. With each I feared being too picky. With each I decided I'd rather be single, than give up a part of who I am, especially my faith.

My Story Part 2: Coming out of Hiding

I find that my life often resembles a book. Each chapter titled. Each section marked. Each page begging to be turned.

The last few years of my life had all fallen under the same title: Come out of Hiding.
Chapter 1: Don't hide behind your clothes. 
I was frump girl. Somewhere deep in subconscious I used the defense mechanism that men were just not attracted to me because I was comfortable. So I fulfilled that. I dressed comfortably. My boss one day pulled me into her office. She said she saw leadership in me, but the way I dressed was in opposition to what she saw. She said I needed to start dressing like the professional and leader she knew I could become. This hit hard as I was confronted with decades worth of hiding. It was a vulnerable place. What if I dressed well, and was still rejected? What if I tried and failed? What if I stopped hiding behind my clothes and realized that it was me and not my exterior that was unattractive? Chapter 1 ended in a happy place, for I went out and bought a whole new wardrobe. Confidence grew in me. God spoke to me... it is not your clothes people love; it is you. It is not your clothes I love; it is you.

Chapter 2: Don't hide behind having it all together
I lived in a house with three other girls, each with disparate personalities. I put myself in the role of glue. I felt responsible to hold everyone and everything together. I felt like I had to have it all together all the time. I could not show weakness. I felt responsible for the house, for the girls, for the school, for my students, for my friends who were struggling. I this on like an actor takes on a role. I lost who I was, as I became who everyone needed. So God asked me to come out of hiding behind this role. The girls all moved out, my struggling friends struggled all the more, the responsibility for the house made me crack. In this chapter, like the previous, God asked me to come out. In this chapter, like the previous, I had to choose to walk where he was pointing. It felt vulnerable and I was full of fear. But I did. And God showed up. God spoke to me.... it is not the girl who has it all together people love; it is you. It is not the girl who has it all together that I love; it is you.

Chapter 3: Don't hide behind what you eat
This chapter was the hardest. I am not sure when I started using food to self-sooth, but I did. Food has been my go to for any emotion of consequence: anger, sadness, happiness, boredom, frustration, loneliness, and the list goes on. Soon I started hiding behind yet another persona: the fat girl. Now I must mention that I have never been severely overweight. This persona was more in my head than in my body. I somehow convinced myself that I was unattractive because I didn't fit the mold of beauty that our society displays. I am not thin. I am not dainty. This persona was a wretched self-fulfilling prophecy. I felt like I was fat so I ate. I was convinced this was why I was destined to be single. When God asked me to come out of hiding this time, it hurt more than any of the previous chapters. This hiding spot was deep, dark, painful. I had started hiding there as a young girl. God used good friends and a book called Made to Crave, to show me that my sin was not overeating or overindulgence. My sin was idolatry. He showed me that the lie I was believing, the role I was playing was dark black hole. It was time to come out of hiding. He called and though it was vulnerable and I was afraid, I answered. I gave up sugar. I started working out. I lost almost forty pounds. Fear crept up in me though. What if I lost weight and men still did not find me attractive? What if there was something wrong with me at the core that could not be excused by some extra pounds on my physical frame? God spoke to me.... It is not the fat girl people love; it is you. It is not the fat girl I love; it is you.

So here I stood out in the open. My comfortable hiding places were exposed and access to them was denied by a God who loves me. It is a vulnerable but beautiful place to be.

My Story Part 1: Active Waiting

"You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

NO!
That's not for you!"


from: Oh the Places You Will Go
by: Dr. Seuss


For many years I have been in the Waiting Place. It is truly a hard place to be. I am 28 and single. Therefore, 28 and waiting. This waiting has taken on many forms over the last years. 


There has been a longing inside of me to be a wife and mother, a longing that runs deep and that causes great pain. The pain comes in a hope deferred, which has made my heart sick. 


In the waiting place there have been times of great hope relying on the Lord that he would bring me a man of God, that he would fulfill my desires. There were also times of desperation and hopelessness thinking it would never happen. I remember conversations with other godly women stating emphatically that I was just deciding to be single and not hold out hope, so that I could live singlely without constantly looking and waiting. 


The Lord has been working on my heart through this waiting place. He asked me to actively wait. This meant I needed to take a few steps: I joined an online dating site. I emailed all the pastors that have been influential in my life asking them to pray for a mate and if they knew anyone to introduce me. I prayed, intensely and specifically for God to bring me a man. I asked others to pray. I actively waited. 


For many months I saw no results, but I did see God change my heart. So I find that the Waiting Place is not actually the most useless place. 

my story of recent months

So the last few months have been an amazing whirlwind of life changes. Amazing, good, beautiful, life changes. I am going over the next several entries attempt to tell this amazing journey the Lord has put me on. It will be in installments and hopefully fully reveal God's amazing work in me and the beautiful tapestry he is weaving in my life and heart.

To God be the glory.......


Stay tuned

To Christ the Lord Let Every Tongue

1. To Christ the Lord let every tongue
Its noblest tribute bring
When He’s the subject of the song
Who can refuse to sing?
Survey the beauties of His face
And on His glories dwell
Think of the wonder of His grace
And all His triumphs tell

2. Majestic sweetness sits enthroned
Upon His awful brow
His head with radiant glories crowned
His lips with grace overflow
No mortal can with Him compare
Among the sons of men
Fairer He is than all the fair
That fill the Heavenly train

3. He saw me plunged in deep distress
He fled to my relief
For me He bore the shameful cross
And carried all my grief
His hand a thousand blessings pours
Upon my guilty head
His presence gilds my darkest hours
And guards my sleeping bed

4. To Him I owe my life and breath
And all the joys I have
He makes me triumph over death
And saves me from the grave
To Heaven the place of His abode
He brings my weary feet
Shows me the glories of my God
And makes my joy complete

5. Since from His bounty I receive
Such proofs of love divine
Had I a thousand hearts to give
Lord, they should all be Thine
A thousand men could not compose
A worthy song to bring
Yet Your love is a melody
Our hearts can’t help but sing!

Psalm 34: His role, my role

I was reading Psalm 34 this morning. It was probably the 98th time I have read over these words. God has used this psalm so many times in the past. He seems to so often part the sky with his heavenly highlighter allowing me to see one phrase in a different way. Today was no exception. I realized that this passage delineates His role and my role. I found today that what He does for me, in response to what I do for Him, is so unequal, completely swayed to one side. Let me share with you what I found.

In short, my job is to:
seek Him, loot to Him, call to Him when I am in trouble, take refuge in Him, listen to Him, and fear Him.
All of these speak of relationship. The passage also outlines what it means to fear Him since that is called for three or four times in the passage. To fear the Lord is to keep tongue from evil, to seek peace and pursue it. Those are the only to do's given. Essentially God just wants me to look to Him.

In response, He will:
answer me, deliver me from all trouble and all fear, make me radiant, take away my shame, save me, encamp around me, bless me. He will provide for my every need as I taste and see His goodness. He will make sure I lack for nothing. He will teach me and give me many good days. He will see me, his ear will be attentive to my cry. He will be close to me, redeem me and not condemn me.

I would say there is a great disparity in what He expects of me and what He will do for me. I serve a God who only wants me to be in relationship with Him, and when I make the choice to turn my face toward Him, He will go above and beyond my imagination. He will be my all. Not because I made Him my all (for I often turn away) but because He is sufficient to meet every need I could ever have. "Lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing."

Imitators

In church this morning I heard a message from Ephesians 5:21 "submit to one another  out of reverence for Christ." I mulled over this the whole day. Submission is hard. As I listened to the sermon, I thought of ways, particularly at work, where I have not been submissive. Conviction is painful. I love how God points things out to me though as I read his word. See this verse is in a greater context. Ephesians 5 begins with the challenge to be imitators of God, and to love sacrificially like Christ loved us. The passage gives things that this doesn't look like: sexual immorality, impurity, drunkenness. But I love how God in his word makes things really practical. I can look at a list of don'ts and easily feel good about myself for I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't... and you could name a lot of things in there. But not doing something is not imitation. Doing something is imitation. So what is it that God does that we are to imitate. So he boils it down to three primary relationships all summarized in the short verse " submit to one another." See God respects people like wives should respect their husbands. God loves people like husbands should love their wives. God does not exasperate, but makes obedience possible. God obeys authority (even his own). God behaves in such a way that he cannot be spoken against by his boss. God treats people fairly. How do we imitate God? We submit to each other. We love each other. This is a hard teaching. But it is possible or he would not have commanded it.