Doing and Believing

 Recently, I finished Deuteronomy and a question I usually find myself answering for others came to my own mind. See, the end of Deuteronomy serves as Moses' legacy, his final words to the people he has reluctantly led. He lays out in vivid language the blessings associated with following God's ways and the graphic consequences of veering from that path. My mind was torn apart as I read that the consequences of disobedience are famine, sword, violence, a lack of God's presence and a flight of conscience. He describes mothers secretly boiling their babies for a little bit of meat to eat. It is truly horrifying, and something I know later actually happened.

The question: Where is faith in all of this? The focus of Deuteronomy seems to be works... obedience... doing? What about believing?

This line of questioning led me to search my own heart. I am finding that this current stage in my life does not have a lot of "doing." As a doer, I find this very difficult. So I began to question of the Lord if I am doing enough. The questions rolled in: does my life look different than the world? Do I follow your standards? If faith without works is dead_ where is my faith? Does my life reflect the words of love and faith that my mouth easily espouses?

But really if I am honest, that is not the core of my questioning. The core is "Lord, do I please you?" The question itself is painful. I want to know if my actions cause God pleasure. I want to know if He is proud of me. The questioning itself means that there is a small part of me that fears a negative answer. The question is painful, for the answer could be painful.

God gently led me to read 1 John. John mentions over and over again in this short book ways to know that you belong to Christ and are living for Him.

1.  Don't walk in darkness
2. Walk in the light (which means you have fellowship with believers and are purified from sin)
3. Don't claim to be without sin
4. Confess your sin
5. Keep His commands (which will make God's love complete in you)
6. Live as Jesus did
7. Don't hate your brother
8. Love your brother
9. Don't love the world (lust of the flesh, lust of the eyes, and pride of life)
10. Do the will of God
11. Remains with believers
12. Don't go away from believers
13. Don't deny Jesus
14. Acknowledge the Son
15. Remain in what you have heard 
16. Continue in Christ confident and unashamed
17. Don't continue to sin 
18. Do what is right
19. Love your brother
20. Don't hate your brother (these two John found worth repeating several times)
21. Love with actions not just words giving materially to those in need
22. Know God is greater than your heart
23. Do what pleases God 
24. Believe in the name of Jesus
25. Have the Spirit
26. Love others for love is of God, and so you know God if you love
27. Rely on the love God has for you
28. Accept the testimony that whoever has the Son has life

These fall into four categories: 

1. We obey and stop sinning
2. We love others 
3. We acknowledge Jesus is who He says He is and we rely on the love God has for us
4. We remain in the truth

All this is while we remember that God loved us first. He lavished His love on us by sending His Son to die for us so that we might be called children of God. 

God clearly showed me that I do have His Spirit. I confess sin when He makes me aware of it. I do obey, when He asks me to follow. I do believe that Jesus is the Christ and I do rely on the love God has for me. And when my heart condemns me, I know that God is greater than my heart and He will keep me. If I am not "doing" now, it is because He has not shown me what to do. 

My pastor in church said this line and I think it was God's capstone for me on the question of my heart: "Lord are you pleased with me?" 

He said, "God does not get rid of our sin, He covers it. He does not remove His wrath, Jesus absorbs it. God always calls in the debt owed Him, but Jesus paid it on our behalf. God always calls us to believe in what He has done for us in Jesus by the Spirit even before He calls us to obey. God is not pleased with us, He is pleased with His Son, with whom we are clothed." -Scott Osborne 

A ten month hiatus

Well, it has been ten months since I have last written on this blog. Ten months! A lot of life has happened between then: moved, got married, started a new job. While I could say that those are the major reasons for my written absence, it would not be entirely the truth.

Many things in the last months have drawn my attention, quickened my spirit, and invited to rejoin the creative, cathartic outlet of this space. I went to a concert in a log cabin, with some dear followers of Jesus. I was thinking the whole time how I wished I had my computer so I could write. Then there was the time I was on a retreat in the Western mountains of Virginia. Surrounded by nature, my insides cried out to join the song of worship that nature begets by creating my own written melody. Then there was the children's Bible that comes with an audio tape. The words were so well written, each story painting the wonderful picture of a Savior who was planned since the beginning of time.

Each of these times, I kept thinking how I should partake in the creative outlet God has so tailored for me. But each time the cry in my heart was ignored. See it has been blocked out by distractions like laundry and the ever enticing television with its mediocre story plots. Then there is the tiredness factor. It is so hard sometimes to muster up the energy to create. Then there is fear. See the blank page or blinking cursor can sometimes yell at me about how little I have created, how difficult it will be to get back, how I have nothing worthwhile to say.

Well, now that I put them all on the screen they sound like nothing more than excuses.

Tonight I went to an amazing concert. Musicians, talented, trained musicians, poured their hearts out on the stage. Before they went up, they showed a documentary they put together about how they spent a week on an island in Vancouver, Canada making music together. Then they sang and played. It was truly creative, truly worship. I thought as I listened that I could not let another ten months go by without joining in the song with my creative outlet. In fact, I couldn't let another night go by. So here I am, writing once again. You can be sure to expect many more in the days to come.

My Statement of Faith

This is what I believe...

• God is good. 
• God never promised my life would be easy. He did promise He would never leave me or forsake me. He promised His presence.
• He never promised I would get the job I want, but he did promise that He would supply all my needs according to his riches in glory.  
• He never promised me perfect healthy, but He did promise that through his stripes I am healed. He promised he would take my sin as far as the east is from the west. He promised to make my crimson stains as white as snow. 
• He didn't promise circumstantial perfection, but he did promise a relationship with the Creator of the universe. 
• Jesus is my all. 
• God is good. 

My Story Part 10: The things I've learned

I want to share a few things that God has taught me through this process of singleness, dating, and now engagement with marriage on the near horizon. 

• Don't give in to the desperation and hopelessness of your singleness. God had me single for a reason. He was working in my heart things that would have been very difficult to do while in a relationship. God has a purpose for singleness. 
• Don't do nothing in the name of waiting. Faith doesn't mean you sit back and let life happen to you. Faith takes steps. God loves active waiters. So actively wait: go to singles meetings, dress up, go online, pray and ask others to pray. 
• Don't settle. God gave me someone that exceeded my expectations. He is smart, funny, handsome. He loves the Lord. He (sometimes) beats me at scrabble. He enjoys movies. He talks about God, Jesus, and church pretty seamlessly. He loves me. He loves me so well. God has exceeded my expectations beyond what I could ever imagine. So don't settle. 
• Don't "arouse or awaken love until it so desires." God has honored my sexual purity. God will honor my sexual purity. God will look on me with pleasure on my wedding night when I am presented to my husband pure. I stand with no regrets and no baggage in that regard. 
• Don't date potential. If you can't respect him now, you shouldn't be with him. 
• Don't lose hope. Godly men do exist. Dave loves Jesus. He is a leader. He is kind. He loves me so well. He protects me better than I do myself. These men, though rare, do exist.

God gave me a man. A godly man. A good man. 

My Story Part 9: The Proposal

So for all of you that have waited for this story, here it goes....

I have to put the parenthesis that usually I would counsel girls to not move as quickly as Dave and I did. I would normally say there is no hurry. But God (I love those two words put together) showed up. He gave us a mutual faith and desire to seek God above all else. He gave us numerous connections. He gave us deep conversations and grace exemplified. He gave us confirmation from friends galore that this was good and right. In fact, no one cautioned us. And He Himself gave us a peace we couldn't not describe.

So Valentine's Day is not my favorite day. Not in a bitter-single girl way, but in a I hate that it is too commercial way. But this is the first time that I have a man on Valentine's Day. So we were going to do something. The day before though Dave said he had to work late that night and would not be able to make it. He asked me if I minded celebrating Valentine's Day on Wednesday or Thursday that week. I was actually excited at this prospect, as it brought out the bit of rebel in me.

The day came. I did think that maybe he had just tried to throw me off his scent. But when five, six, seven, eight came with no Dave, I assumed it was for real and he was not coming. Meanwhile I talked to him on the phone. Where you at? At the store? Gettin' groceries? No (long silence). So what you getting? Nothing. Suspicion rising in me. But after eight no Dave, so suspicion dying.

Around 9:15pm. I'm dogsitting, in my pajamas, hair pulled back, no makeup, crocheting and watching Downton Abbey. Suddenly Dave calls. "So I lied," he says. "I wasn't on my way home. I'm actually outside." So I go to the door and there he is with a bunch of sunflowers.

His speech:
Do you remember what you said when you saw the sunflower fields in Romania?

Interject story:
While on a missions trip in Romania this summer, I saw these fields of amazing sunflowers. Their heads are huge and they extend for acres and acres. When I first saw them I wanted to get a picture of them. To my great disappointment, the whole week went by with no opportunity for a picture of these fields. On the last day, my little team took an unexpected trip to a neighboring village. On this trip we went a different way than usual, which took us right through sunflower fields on both sides of our car. My friend took beautiful pictures. I told the car: "This is God's gift to me. You get to enjoy this, but it was made for me."

Return to his speech:
You are my sunflower field. Others get to enjoy your presence, but you were made for me.

He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a ring as he dropped to one knee asking me to be his wife. The box the ring was in had a light. I think the first thing I said was, "Oh how neat! a light!" Eventually I also said I would be his wife. We called our families and told them. We then walked around Colonial Williamsburg hand in hand, completely rejoicing.

The next day, Dave came back to Williamsburg and took me to the Trellis, a really nice restaurant. Turns out the plan had been to propose that night after dinner. However, since the ring came in on Tuesday, he just couldn't wait till the next day.

So now, I'm set to marry the man of my dreams.

My Story Part 8: Grace Exemplified

We were at an engagement party one day. We heard the engaged couple say that they were blessed to have a long distance relationship because it allowed them to go deep fast. When you live in the same town you spend your time playing games, watching movies, or hanging out with other people. When you are long distance though, all you can do is talk on the phone. This forces you to talk, which breeds intimacy... it opens the door to hard conversations.

Dave and I immediately resonated with this. We have the best of both worlds. We live an hour away. This means that I get to see him every weekend, and even some weekdays as he is willing to drive on a school night. But the other nights are spent on the phone. We talk a lot. This is an amazing thing since until now I have never enjoyed being on the phone, but now I look forward to it.

What we talk about? In a word: everything.

It was quick into the relationship that we broached some heavy topics. We talked about dreams for the future. We talked about our past transgressions and transgressions against us. We laid bear our hearts.

We placed ourselves in complete vulnerability, the scariest place in relationships. We both feared being rejected and condemned. Jesus showed up.

 Thousands of years ago he took nails through his hands and feet to exemplify grace. Through his crown of thorns, He forgave us. Through His suffering, He loved us, despite us. He reached down from heaven into our muck and mire. He cleaned us. He restored us. He healed us. He showed grace in a tangible way.

Two months ago in our vulnerable place He once again exemplified grace. This time it was through tears on the other side of a phone conversation. We laid ourselves bear. We stepped into the vulnerable place. Then we both extended grace. We chose love. Jesus defined grace for me through a man that loved me despite my past, my hurts, my fears, my insecurities.

My Story Part 7: I'm in

One Friday evening, my phone rings. The name comes up: David Wetzel. I was ecstatic and nervous at the same time. We had gone on one date. We had texted during Christmas break. I was eager for another connection.

Thus proceeded a three hour conversation.

I was amazed how the conversation flowed so seamlessly. We talked about old teachers, our jobs, future plans, how when we see Jesus better, we see our sin better and we understand grace better. Then we went right back into favorite books, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings movies, and then back to church and Jesus. At one point I threw myself on the bed thinking this couldn't be real. Could it really be that there is a man who can talk about Jesus in the same breath as regular conversation? Could it be that I don't have to bring up faith in an awkward "where are you with Jesus" talk? Could it be that I could talk on the phone for three hours without feeling bored? awkward? uncomfortable?

The next week was a fun worldwide.

• Iceskating on Wednesday
• Dinner on Friday night
• German New Years on Sunday

Dave throughout all of this showed himself to be someone I could talk to. He showed himself to be someone who I could listen to all day. 

One week later... He came up to Williamsburg. We walked around Waller Mill Park, walking and talking for hours. We sat on a bench overlooking a beautiful lake. It was then that David Wetzel told me he would like to date me exclusively. After I said yes, we went to the James River where we held hands and prayed committing our relationship to the Lord. 

At this point... I feel like the most blessed woman in the world.