Reflections on the Death of a Beloved Christ Follower

On Saturday morning, I got the horrific news that one of my students had been randomly shot and killed on his way home from graduation the night before. My first thought was, "NO, not Mark." This boy loved Jesus. His life was characterized by it. He lead worship most chapels. Just a few weeks ago, after leading the song "You're beautiful," he talked about how much the verse about the wedding feast struck him. He said he couldn't wait till he was face to face with Jesus. In fact, he wrote a blog entry (his last one) about Heaven, a place of no more tears and hurt. He blogged about how badly he wanted to go there.

I was in shock with the news. Just two days before he had sought me out, asking if I would write him a recommendation for a scholarship for those wanting to go into ministry; he thought it would be good for me to write it since he and I had talked so much about different avenues of ministry and schools that would prepare him for it. Just a month before, he stopped me in the hallway. He asked me if I read a book called "Love Does." When I said I hadn't he pulled it out of his book bag and hand it to me. He had been toting it around in case he saw me because he knew I would like it. He was thoughtful like that. I was rushing to finish it by the end of the school year so I could give it back to him. Now it sits in my teacher bag reminding me of this sweet boy.

As I have been processing his death, many thoughts have come to mind.
First, death hurts so bad because we were never meant to go through it. While it is natural in the sense that everyone must die at some point, it is unnatural in that it is not how things are supposed to end.

I also think of how much I want my little Lucy to grow up to be like Mark. I want to be careful that I don't memorialize him as a saint. He was human and sinful. But he loved God and he loved people. This has now been the prayer that is epitomized as I think of the little girl growing in my belly. I pray that when she is 17, people know that she loves God and loves people like Mark Rodriguez did. I know Mark would not want to be worshiped, but would point everyone instead to the God that is Alone worthy of worship. I believe many will worship the God of Mark Rodriguez, so I pray one day, likewise, many will worship the God of Lucy Wetzel.

My next thoughts have been at what God might do with this tragedy. A void is now left at our school. I ask who will now call the students to live for God? Who will fill Mark's shoes? God has answered me that because of Mark's death many will stand in the gap. Many will rise up from this as strong warriors of the faith. My prayer for revival has been renewed. Who better to go to heaven than the student we don't question is there? Who better to call more to walk with God, than the one who walked with God so faithfully while alive? I am praying that hundreds will give their lives to Christ through the testimony and death of this young man. I am praying that revival will hit Norfolk Christian School in a powerful way. I believe that God is saying yes as the Gospel is being clearly preached throughout our entire area.

Certainly not my last thought, but the last one I will share here is one that every parent thinks at a time like this, "Oh God, please don't let that ever happen to me." I would be happy to lay down my life, but would be devastated if God asked me to lay down the life of my child. I hope I never have to experience what his parents are going through right now. But then God redirects my prayer. I love this child growing inside me so much that I would hate to lose her. But I declare with everything in me, that when God calls her home, I will yet praise him. I will worship God with all that I am, no matter what. I hope I never have to see my little girl suffer, but if I do, I will still follow Him. I will still obey. I will still chose to love him. I will still declare his goodness. The most amazing thing about Mark's death is that the Gospel has been most clearly spelled out by his parents who have chosen to forgive and chosen to worship despite the horrific pain they feel. And so God is praised, despite all of this. So I pray my little girl has the courage to follow the God of Mark, and I pray I have the courage to follow the God of Mark's parents.

A Modern Erroneous Teaching

I was watching Planes with my husband this weekend. The basic plot is a crop duster has a dream to win a round-the-world-race with some of the fastest planes in the world. A crop duster is not made to race around the world. He is made to fly over crops spraying them with insecticides. This particular crop duster has heart, though, and so he enters the race, squeaks in my the skin of his teeth, and (spoiler alert) he wins the race. 

When we finished the movie, Dave commented on this running theme found in many children's movies that you can be whoever you want to be as long as you have enough heart. He said it is actually a bunch of bologna. He mentioned our dog Gus. See that day we had taken him to the dog park. He is an English bulldog. He is short and has a ten minute window of stamina. At the park there were German shepherds, American bulldogs, and all kinds of mutts. These dogs love the park. They run and chase each other, wrestle, and jump all over each other. Gus has heart. He loves other dogs, but he just can't keep up. He tries and tries, but after a short burst of energy, he is exhausted and throws himself on the ground panting and foaming at the mouth. No matter how hard he tries, he is not made to run with shepherds and labs. 

I thought about this as I was at a prayer meeting last night. I was surrounded by women of God, whom I love and admire. Several times I have jealously thought about how much I want to be like them. I want to pray with the authority of Priscilla, with the passion of Donnalynn, and the affection of Michelle. I often think I am not them. There is a temptation to mimic them and try to pray in the same way they do. But God sent me a freeing message: "I am not them." I was not made to pray like them. I was made to pray like Melissa Wetzel. No matter how much heart I have, I can't change who I am and what I am made to do. That when really accepted is truly freeing. 

The Emotions of the Gospel

I was reading through Mark and got stuck on a word early on. I read this word over and over, unable to move on. It was the first emotion word of Jesus mentioned.

The story: A man with leprosy came to Jesus and said, "Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean." Mark then describes Jesus as indignant. He replied, "I am willing. Be clean."

The word: indignant.

The first emotion describing Jesus is not a word of happiness, contentment, surety, or peace. It is indignation. It is a word of offense, of injustice, of insult. Jesus was insulted at the man's words, "if you are willing." Did he know who he was talking to? The one responsible for creating the universe, the one who desires that none should perish, the one who came to pursue a sinful people was being challenged on how much he cared. I wonder if Jesus was thinking, "You fool! I care enough to die for you, much less heal your skin condition."

I was struck by the strength of this emotion, which led me on a quest to discover the emotions of Mark. At the onset, I didn't think I would find many as Mark was writing to Romans, men characterized by military strength not emotional acumen. I was not completely off in my initial assessment. There are not many emotion words in the book of Mark, but there are enough to make some amazing conclusions. We see several groups of people exhibiting strong emotions in the book of Mark: the crowds, the disciples, the Pharisees, individuals, and Jesus himself.

The crowds are continually amazed when they hear Jesus teaching and see his miracles. They are amazed that he speaks with authority unlike the teachers of the law. They are amazed when he tells the paralytic that his sins are forgiven, and then gives him the command to get up and walk. They are amazed at the testimony of the demon-possessed man whose name had been Legion. After the feedings of the 5,000 and 4,000, where they eat and are satisfied, the crowd's emotions change. After they are fed, they see Jesus and are overwhelmed with amazement and wonder. They saw that he had done everything well, and that even the deaf hear and the mute speak. Finally, toward the end they are filled with delight at Jesus' teaching. The amazement they felt at the beginning seemed to be laced with incredulity. It is the gaping-mouth stance of skeptics that Mark portrays at the beginning. However, this changes to the delighting adoration of a beloved hero toward the end of the book.

The disciples emotions don't really seem to change much. They surely feel strong emotions, but they are consistent emoters. Their predominant emotion is fear (in varying degrees). They are terrified that the winds and waves obey him. They are terrified when he walks on water, thinking he is a ghost. They are frightened to the point of stupidity at the transfiguration. They feel sad when Jesus says that one of them will betray him, though their actions also depict fear as they all ask Jesus if it is them. I wonder how their fear made Jesus feel. The ones closest to him trembled. They got to see his divinity more than anyone, and they stand in fear. It makes me think of the Old Testament where the people of Israel saw the fire on Mount Sinai and shook in terror begging Moses to go up for them to interact with this God that made them quake. It does seem that the concentrated presence of God produces fear and trembling. Surely, their fear speaks to Jesus' terror-striking divinity. I wonder if the disciples were constantly thinking that no one could see the face of God and live.

Some individuals had some wonderful emotions. The woman with the issue of blood "felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering" after simply touching his garment. What a beautiful word picture of release and freedom. I remember feeling this when God set me free from the chains of a troubled childhood. He truly is the one who sets prisoners free! Jairus, when his dead daughter was raised to life, was astonished. This word seems to be different than the crowds being amazed, as their amazement seems to be filled with doubt. His astonishment seems to be the sudden filling of wonder that only an event like this could produce. The women at Jesus' empty tomb felt bewildered, with good reason.

The most amazing thing to me about this study, was the emotions that Mark chose to describe Jesus:

1. He was indignant with the man who said "if you are willing."
2. He was filled with anger and deep distress when he saw the stubborn hearts of the Jews after he healed a man's arm on the Sabbath. They would not assent that it is better to do good and give life on the Sabbath than to do evil and kill. 
3. He was amazed at lack of faith from the people of his hometown. 
4. He was filled with compassion for the crowds as they were like sheep without a shepherd, and as they had gone all day without food. 
5. He was indignant with the disciples when they sent the children away and rebuked the people. Instead he brought the little children to himself and blessed them. 
6. He was deeply distressed, troubled, and overwhelmed with sorrow as he prayed in the Garden that the cup would pass from him. 

I serve a Savior who cares deeply for my afflictions. He is distressed when I don't trust him and when I stubbornly stick to my way of doing things. He loves children and blesses them. He is filled with compassion for me and for all those who are hurting, alone, and helpless. He is a Savior who feels deeply. 

Story of Ephesians

Once we were...	We heard the Word of Truth	We should now then live...
dead in sin followed the ways of the world followed the ruler of the air gratified sinful desires followed sinful desires and thoughts objects of wrath uncircumcised Gentiles separate from Christ excluded from citizenship foreigners to the covenant without hope without God had futile thinking darkened in understanding separated from the life of God hardened in our hearts lost sensitivity given to sensuality indulging in impurity full of greed in the dark disobedient doing things that are shameful to mention	Blessed with every spiritual blessing in Christ chosen adopted redeemed forgiven lavished with grace made for the praise of Jesus’ glory included in Christ Marked with the seal of the Holy Spirit made alive in Christ saved by grace raised with Christ seated with Him God’s workmanship created to do good brought near given access to the Father declared fellow citizens declared members of God’s household built up brought together made heirs able to approach God with freedom and confidence given grace as Christ apportioned it equipped for works of service taught to put off the old self made new created to be like God in righteousness and holiness sealed for the day of redemption made the light in the world	giving thanks remembering prayer knowing him better not being discouraged being strengthened with power allowing Christ to dwell in us grasping God’s grace being filled to the measure of his fullness living worthy being humble and gentle being patient bearing with one another keeping unity building up the body becoming mature speaking truth in love growing into the head, Christ putting off falsehood speaking truthfully not sinning in anger not giving the devil a foothold not stealing working sharing with the needy not speaking with unwholesome talk building others up not grieving the Spirit not having bitterness, rage, brawling, slander, or malice being kind and compassionate forgiving walking in love not walking in sexual immorality not being impure, greedy, obscene, foolish not joking coarsely being full of thanksgiving living as a child of the light having goodness, righteousness and truth finding out what pleases God being wise not getting drunk being filled with the Spirit speaking with psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs singing and giving thanks submitting to one another wives submitting to husbands husbands loving wives children obeying parents fathers training and instructing their children in the Lord slaves obeying masters serving wholeheartedly being strong in the Lord putting on the full armor of God standing firm praying in the Spirit with all kinds of prayers being alert These are summarized by: Know/ Believe: Jesus, his hope, his power, his encouragement, his indwelling, his love, that he is the head, what pleases God. Living worthy: being humble, gentle, mature, thankful, full of light, good, righteous, truthful, wise, filled with the Spirit, strong, firm, alert, and bold, working and giving thanks and praying. Taking off: falsehood, sin, stealling, unwholesome talk, bitterness, rage, brawling, slander, malice, sexual impurity, greed, obscenity and foolish talk, drunkenness. And doing for others: being patient, bearing, unified, truthful, speaking in psalms and spiritual songs, sharing with the needy, kind, compassionate, loving and submitting.

Conviction in Bible Class

Recently, in my 9th grade Bible class, I was explaining the ten commandments. I love what a great teacher God is. There are actually 613 commandments, but they are summarized in the original ten. We are not to murder, then the rest of the law delineates the difference between murder and man slaughter. It explains how retribution and restitution are to be made. He says not to commit adultery in the ten, then in the rest he outlines all kinds of sexual sins that are forbidden.

I explained to the class what each commandment meant, and also how Jesus expounds on the commandments drawing out that the sin of the heart is equal to sin of action. 

I got to the last of the ten commandments, and I was struck with unplanned, instant and intense conviction. The last of the ten is, "Do not covet." This one sin stands as the bedrock of all the other sins. When we covet what we don't have, we will commit all the previous nine. To fully understand this, we must understand what coveting is. It is not just wanting something. It is not just desire. Coveting is longing for something. It is obsessing about that object, obsessing about the desire for it. It is plotting and planning how to do get it. It is getting it at all costs. I found myself giving a personal example of coveting and thus conviction pierced my heart. 

The thing I usually covet is sweets. So take a brownie for example. I will get it into my head that I want a brownie. So then I start thinking about it. I keep thinking about it. I think of where I could get one. I hear a voice in my heart telling me it is not a good idea. I ignore the voice. I make up all these reasons why it is good for me to have it: "I've been good this week." "I'll just work out longer later." "I've had a hard day." "I deserve it." "God wants me to have good things, and a brownie is good." "No one will know that I had a brownie." "Screw it, I want the brownie, I am going to have the brownie." 

This obsession then turns into how can I get it. I make a plan and I eat it, ignoring the strong warning in my spirit. Before I even finish the first bite, I am thinking about the second brownie I am going to eat and how I want another one. Then, the problems gear into full force. I am hypoglycemic, so one or two brownies have the potential of causing really bad physical problems. The high blood sugar makes me feel jittery and hyper. Then I crash. I start to shake, get highly irritable, lose concentration, get exorbitantly tired. 

That means that because of the choice to eat those brownies I so coveted, I sacrifice my relationship with my students as I can't teach well with no concentration. I sacrifice my relationship with my husband as he is the first I will snap at and be ugly to. I sacrifice any relationship outside of that because I can't be around people when I am tired, irritable, and blurred speech. I also have sacrificed my relationship with God, as I have ignored the warnings from His Spirit. I also am filled with shame and guilt, that cause separation and insecurities. 

I put a brownie over God, over my husband, over my ministry to my students, over friendships. I put a brownie over God. My heart hurts at the admission. I want to cry as I stand before my students vulnerable. When I first mentioned coveting brownies, there were chuckles in the room, as they thought it a silly thing to covet. As I finished you could pin drop in the room, as they all realized the gravity of what coveting, especially coveting silly things, can damage. Even as I write these words my heart hurts. The graven image I have made and bowed down to is not made of wood, gold, or stone. Instead it is made of sugar and flour and in a minute is consumed. 

Oh what a wretched sinner I am, who will save me from this body of death?  

Spiritual Lessons from Zumba

I have started a journey (once again) toward eating healthy and exercising regularly. I find that the only exercise I don't have to psych myself out for is Zumba. Now, let me clarify, I am not in any way a dancer. I do however try really hard and have a great time laughing at my blundering attempts to stay on beat, go in the right direction, and get my hips to move. To be honest, I look like a fool, but I love it.

Since I am not a dancer and rhythm does not come easily to me I find my eyes glued to the back of the instructor. Occasionally, I feel a level of comfort enough to look up and really get into it, but there is always the fall back of the teacher with her huge smile and her gyrating hips that I can look to. Many times I stand there staring thinking "How can she get her body to do that?"

Yesterday, as I was "dancing" I started thinking about spiritual things. See Paul repeatedly told the believers he wrote to to follow him. He admonished them to live the kind of life they had witnessed he lived. He told them to emulate him. Last night in Zumba I saw this command differently.

There are some people whom God has gifted to easily listen to music, find the rhythm, and move with beauty and grace. There are others like myself who can try all they want to, but will probably always be a step behind with awkward movement. It is the same spiritually. Some people easily understand and communicate spiritual things. They can commune with God with ease. They see life through the lens of how God is moving. Other people struggle to see the spiritual. They have a desire to commune with God, but often find they don't know how. They feel like spiritual matters are nothing but awkward blundering.

So comes Paul's directive: Follow me.

My Zumba instructor last night got us dancing by smiling, encouraging us, giving instruction like: "Pick up your feet," "Breathe," "Really get into it." She mastered the zone of proximal development by starting off easy. Then she would add in a few more moves of the arms or slightly faster feet. Then she would pull out something way beyond our skill level. She didn't stay there long, but just gave us a hint of where we could be after working at this for a while. Mostly, though, she taught us, by dancing in front of us. As she danced, I could watch what she did, and imitate it. I didn't imitate it well, but it was indeed a semblance of what she was doing.

So spiritual leaders do the same with those who spirituality does not come easily. They encourage with words. They instruct. They correct. But mostly they teach by living out their spirituality in front of others so that they can be emulated.

The Word Became Flesh

In church we are have just begun a series on the book of John. This prompted a new look at John 1 for me.
Here are my thoughts.

Jesus is....

• The Word
• He speaks
• He communicates 
• He relates 
• He engages 

• God 
• He is powerful 
• He is sovereign
• He is outside of time and space 
• Life 
• He creates 
• He breathes life and vitality
• He is infinitely creative 
• Light 
• He shines in the darkness 
• He overcomes the darkness 
• Child-maker 
• He gives people the right to be children of God 
• He gives this right despite birth, breeding, rank, background, law
• Flesh 
• He became flesh
• He chose to become flesh
• He lived among us, with us
• Full of Grace 
• He shows God's glory 
• He is full of grace and truth
• He gives grace that covers over the grace given with the law 
• One and Only Son 
• He is God 
• He communes with God 
• He is in closest relationship with the Father
• He makes the Father known

Because he is the Word, I can trust that he will speak to me. He will relate to me. He will engage me. 

Because he is God, I can believe that he knows and has complete control and authority over my life. He can handle my problems and anxieties. He can handle my problems. He holds my future. He can and will bring about his will in my life. I can also trust that he will show great creativity in my life. 

Because he is life, I can trust that he will speak life and vitality into my life. He will breathe the breath of God in my heart and life. Through him, I can truly live the life that is truly life. I am his well-watered garden. He will care for me as a gardener prunes and waters his vines. 

Because he is the light, I can believe that he can and will defeat the darkness inside me and around me. HE will shine into the darkness that surrounds me and he will overcome it. 

Because he is the child-maker, I can believe that I am God's child. He loves me. He will protect me. He is for me and he is on my side. I can believe that I don't have to be born into the right family, marry into the right family, or buy my way into the right family. I already belong to God's family. 

Because he became flesh, I can trust that he can relate to me. He is near. He sees where I live; he lives where I live. He is with me. He also can show me God's glory. Like Moses' face shone, so Jesus' face shines with the glory of God. I don't have to hide from it. I too, through Jesus, can partake in a shiny face. I can experience God's glory. I can praise God for his glory without inhibition. 

Because he is full of grace and truth, I can believe that God will show me grace when I sin, fail, rebel, mess up. He is full of loving-kindness. I can believe he will restore, redeem, repair, refresh. He won't just expunge my sin, he will cover it over with his grace and truth. 

Because he is God's only Son, I can believe that he will show me how to relate to God. I was going to say that he would show me how to please God, but actually he shows me that because of him, I already do please God. God's One and Only Son pleads for me. God is pleased with me because he is pleased with him. 

So where the rubber meets the road...

• Jesus is the Word, so I know he will speak to me. He will tell me things to pray for those I love. He will show me what he wants me to do, where he wants me to go. He will tell me things about himself my heart so longs to hear. I need to listen expectantly for his word.
• Jesus is God. I am not. I need to relinquish my need for control. I need to surrender to the Almighty. I need to obey. I need to trust him. 
• Jesus is life. I can't settle for mediocrity or subsistence. This half-life I have been pursuing has left me void. I need to eat and drink of him. I need to find in him my refreshment and satisfaction. 
• Jesus is light. Anxiety oppresses me. I need to believe that Jesus is big enough to overcome the dark moods that come over me. He is able to overcome the darkness around me. He will shine through me and in me. 
• Jesus is the child-maker. I am God's child. I can't look for acceptance from people. I can't allow the insecurities of people-please to control me. I can't find my identity in what I look like or how people perceive me. I need to trust that I am loved and accepted by the Creator of the Universe, my dad. 
• Jesus became flesh. He understands my desire to overeat, my compulsion, my obsession. I have to believe that Jesus is with me. 
• Jesus is full of grace. He does forgive. The law, the first grace, shows me my deficit. Jesus, the second full grace, shows me Gods fullness. I have to believe that his love covers over my failures, my sins, my inadequacies, my insecurities, my deficiencies, my weakness. He covers all of it with full grace. I need to stop covering them up myself, I am not very good at it. I don't have to have it all together. I am a sinner in need of grace. I have to stop pretending I am better than I am. 
• Jesus is God's Son. I have to believe he will show me the Father. I can know the Father, which is what my heart so desperately wants. 

Because Jesus is the word, I am spoken to. 

Because Jesus is God, I am taken care of. 

Because Jesus is life, I have true life. 

Because Jesus is the light, I don't have to fear darkness. 

Because Jesus is the child-maker, I am God's child. 

Because Jesus became flesh, I am not alone. 

Because Jesus is full of grace, I am forgiven. 

Because Jesus is God's Son, I am accepted.