Tears

Well God answered my prayer today....
I read this as I went to bed..."Grief is good. Grief helps us heal our hearts...Let the tears come. Get alone, get to your car or your bedroom or the shower and let the tears come. Let the tears come. It is the only kind thing to do for your woundedness. Allow yourself to feel again. And feel you will-many things....Let it all out. As Augustine wrote in his confessions, "The tears streamed down, and let them flow as freely as they would, making of them a pillow for my heart. On them it rested." Grief is a form of validation;it says the wound mattered. It mattered. You mattered... Let the tears come." In John and Staci Eldridge's book captivating.

So my prayer was renewed, "Lord, please let the tears come"

So God answered that prayer. In chapel today, I cried. Unstoppable, lovely tears poured down as I was heart-broken for my students to know God. For the speaker's past hurt. For my kids who are hurt. For my hurt. I cried from the moment the music began till the chapel was over. I cried on my way to my classroom and all the way through my planning period. I have to tell you that God does answer prayer.

Tears and Pain

Tears are a bit of unfamiliar territory for me. Somewhere along the journey of my life, I have convinced myself that I don't cry. I have blamed it on being a thinker vs. a feeler, but I am beginning to see there is much more going on. Don't get me wrong, I do cry. Beautiful things, God moving, other people's hurt, these cause tears to well up and pour out, but usually in small, manageable quantities. Crying over my own pain is quite a rare thing.

I feel hurt and grief and stress, but I am unable to label these as such in the moment. Instead, my busy life gets busier, or I hide behind easy comforts of Jane Austen movies and ice cream. It is hard for me to identify and verbalize hurt, till it is too far down the road.

Last year, the inability to cry, really cry, landed me in a lot of pain. See my body rebelled against my emotional constipation. I had a stressful year in every possible sense of the word. My well-controlled world came tumbling down like a house of cards. See, I like order, I like control. Most people when their world crumbles, they do too.  My deep seeded lies rendered it impossible for me to fall apart, so I ordered my life even more. The more chaos was mixed in, the more controlled I got. Well, all that emotion has to come out somehow. I didn't let it out through crying, through exercise, through art, not even through writing in my journal.

But come out it did. I lived most of last year in exorbitant amounts of pain. My hips felt as if someone was pushing them down. My heels as if someone was pushing them up. My head and neck as if it had been twisted like a bottle-cap. Doctors said there was nothing physically wrong with me. So I turned to the Great Physician.

He took me by the hand and exposed all the hurt and pain; He is exposing it still now.  He caused me to see the things out of my control as His doing. He grabbed all the pieces of my life and threw them in the air. I was desperately trying to grab them and reorganize them back in place. When I finally let go of the fistful of control I was fighting for, He ordered the pieces in far better ways than I could have ever dreamed.

I have been praying that God would reawaken the tearful side of me. That He would break my heart for what breaks His heart, and that He would teach me to grieve in good and healthy ways (ways I guarantee are far less painful). Today, He answered that prayer in a small way. I was face to face with my hurt. As soon as I heard His voice in that hurt, I cried my eyes out, and it was even in public.

Who knew tears could be a panacea for pain?

Fruit

Do you ever see the answers to prayers you prayed a long time ago and just marvel? Today, I had one of those experiences. Prayers, specific prayers, offered up and wept over three years ago, specific people, offered up and wept over three years ago, today, are living for Jesus. I am not surprised that God answered my prayers, but I am surprised that He would love me so much that He allows me to see the fruit of it. He could have waited till I was out of eye and ear shot, but He didn't. Today, I got to taste and see that the Lord is good. He gave me some fruit... Taste and see.
I marvel at the interconnectedness of life. God loves these people and so He pursues them. God asks others to invest in them as part of the pursuit. Then He draws his chase closer as He overtakes them. And He lets those who invested watch and marvel because He also loves them. He loves me. I am blown away and could not fathom God being any more captivating than He is right now.

Dreams

“‘In the last days, God says, I will pour out my Spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your young men will see visions, your old men will dream dreams."

Lord, are we in the last days? I feel your Spirit being poured on me. The last few weeks, in the waking hours of the morning, I have dreamed dreams. They have been hard and good and full of your Spirit. Dreams of intercession. It has been a while. Even so, come Lord Jesus! For I will take heart and wait on the Lord and see His goodness in the land of the living. It is amazing how when You are on the move, I feel as if I am at the gates of the land of the living... 

My Season: My Journal

Since my seasons and journals match, I thought I should share this current one.

addendum

Not even an hour after I wrote the last post, and I fell under conviction. I gave myself so much credit. So to put credit where it is due I will agree with the apostle Paul:
"But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect."

More than Sunday Morning

"Do you go to church?" is a question that in our culture seems to be synonymous with "Are you a Christian?" Relationship has been boiled down to two hours once a week of singing and preaching . My spirit reacts to this concept strongly. My walk with God is so much more than Sunday mornings. As I have tried to define exactly what it is for myself, I have come up with what my life looks like because of this God I follow. So here are a few ways how my life and my daily living define Christianity:

• Because I follow Christ, there are things I do not do. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I don't party (the bar hoppin', dancin', drinkin', kind of partying). I don't have sex. There are movies I don't watch, and places I do not go.
• Because I follow Christ, there are some things I do do. 
• I pray. Now this needs a bit of explanation. Yes, I pray, but honestly it is more of a continual conversation that seems to never begin or end. See, I wake up thinking about Him. I go to bed talking to Him. From the one moment to the last of the day,  I am reminded of Him in just about everything. Beautiful sunsets make me cry out, "Oh thank you that I am so blessed to experience this." I see suffering and it makes me suffer and bring that suffering to Him.  As a task oriented person, I do get caught up in tasks at hand and so often forget to consider bringing Him into the process or the task, but then there's realization of that and the conversation continues. Sometimes, actually most times, just simply repeating His name, "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. I need you," is all that comes out.
• I also read my Bible. I like checking things off of lists, so unfortunately this transfers into my Bible reading as well. But even when I am hyper-focused on getting it done and checking it off, a question will come to mind as I read. Was Methuselah still alive during the flood? How did everyone know Mordecai was a Jew, and he's hangin out asking about Esther and no one figured she was a Jew too? Why was it so bad that Noah's son didn't cover up his nakedness, and why didn't Noah get in trouble for getting drunk? These questions keep coming amid my checking of lists. Questions aren't the only thing, though. As I read heart-piercing truths also come and go straight to the deep places with encouragement, conviction, prodding.
• I also go to church. I love it to be honest. The church I am in now is a great source of joy for me. It has not always been this way, but right now, I wake up on Sunday mornings eager to get there, eager to see these fellow followers, eager to serve the children in Sunday school, eager to encourage and help where I can. 
•  Because I follow Christ, the way I make decisions is totally different. To begin with, thoughts of how much money I will make, what my schedule will be, where I will live, are all secondary to whether the decision at hand will bring God glory. I want in every major move, every major decision, for this God that I serve and His will to be given first priority. I don't always do this well, but I do it; I ask Him where He wants me to go and what He wants me to do. Following Him means that in a second I could sell everything, leave my family that I love, and go to Nepal or the Philippines or Ecuador or San Fransisco or right around the corner. 
• Because I follow Christ, I struggle with sin. I am human; therefore, sin is a part of my life. Please don't misunderstand this entry, I am no where close to perfect. I sin and in grand style sometimes. My mind is full of dirty thoughts and dirty dreams. I am selfish. Pride so easily fills my heart a lot of the time that I puff myself up and put others down. I often practice idolatry as I worship my desires for food and entertainment or  comfort or recognition. I sin greatly. But because I follow Christ that sin is always met with struggle. I feel a battle raging inside me. Sometimes before I sin the battle rages, "Don't do it". Then after I sin, the battle rages till I turn away and repent. The Spirit inside me is not happy when my flesh takes over and I am miserable until I call out to Him and agree that my sin is horrible and has separated me from Him. When I do, the battle stills and He gets the victory and relationship is restored. That battle itself testifies that I know Him, for without Him in my life I would sin and not care, though racked with guilt and regret. With Him though, guilt turns to repentance and repentance to grace. And that is where I want to be.
• Because I follow Christ, heaven is always on my mind. I cannot wait till I hear His voice say, "It's time! Come up here, Come up now, My Beloved!" I can't wait to see the gates swing open and my soul leave its body and my eyes see His face and my whole being to be alive for the first time. I can't wait to breathe in His all-consuming, life-giving fragrance and to finally be home.

Even as I write this definition of Christianity as my life defines it, I am struck that I could be misinterpreted. My goal here is not to toot my own horn or call out my own name. Instead it is an effort to say this is who God has made me to be: a lowly human being who has been touched by the Master's hand. His breath has given me wings and made me come alive and this is why I follow Christ.  

Hard Work

A long day at work...A long week at work...
I found myself at the end of the day exhausted, sad, and angry. Why is it that if you are a hard worker you get more work, and if you are a complainer and slacker, you get work taken away? These questions were the source of my anger. I heard of two people's loads being lifted because they complained loudly to the right people. Meanwhile it has felt that their slackened loads were put on a few of us that are already overloaded. It probably sounds as if I am still ranting. But amid these frustrations God showed up. He seemed to take His giant highlighter in the sky, swoop down, and touch it to the pages of my Bible:

"God is not unjust: He will not forget your work and the love you have shown Him as you have helped His people and continue to help them. We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, in order to make you hope sure. We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised." Hebrews 6:10-12.

Revival

I heard on Sunday that when George Whitefield was leading revival meetings all over the South East, he stopped in Williamsburg. He only stayed one night of his week long engagement. He said the people here were dead and unreceptive to the movement of the Spirit. What a sad commentary on our small, proud, old town! My reaction, it is time for Williamsburg to be revisited. My prayer is that God would find here a place where He is welcome. A place were teenagers are overwhelmed with fire burning inside them. I pray that through the power of God Williamsburg will be set ablaze... acceptance of sin, sorrow, repentance, crying out to the Lord, change, transformation, renewal, life that is truly life. Father, I pray you find a willing and receptive host, a fertile soil here. I pray you come, Come Lord Jesus!

"If my people who are called by my name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their ways, then I will hear them from heaven, and I will forgive their sins, and I will heal their land." Lord I am your person and I am praying that, but I pray that this praying person will turn into a praying people.  We are in desperate need of you.

memory lane

It was a cool autumn day. Excitement filled the air as war was brewing. I arrived at the battlefield, two braids pouring out of an old bandanna. I was scared to death and yet eager, anxious yet excited. Fear made me drag my feet, so when I arrived all the weapons were claimed as guys were stretching and sparring. Many were shocked to see me there, for I was not know for athletic prowess or an aggressive nature. "You fighting?" I was asked a few times, each answered with a hesitant "No, I think I will just watch." One strong guy came forward with a six-foot sword wrapped in several socks. He asked no questions, he simply shoved the weapon in my direction. A small tug from behind, "You have a sword, you have to fight."

The battle waged in slow motion. Everyone was divided to one side of the soccer field or another. Everyone with varying sizes of PVC pipe wrapped in camping foam and duct tape. "Fight on!" The leader, a scrawny tenth grade boy, yelled at the top of his voice. Suddenly, boys and men and few girls like me erupted into war cries that could be heard across campus.

The battle was on. The rules: hit in the arm, loss of the arm; hit in the leg, drop to your knees, chest and back hits were lethal and you drop to the ground; hit twice and you are dead.

Within a couple of minutes, I learned to wield the enormous weapon I was given. It had an incredibly long reach, so I felled more than I anticipated. A blow from behind dropped me to my knees, but I was able to return the blow fast enough to not loose my life. All of the sudden, I was aware that the battlefield had turned eerily silent. From my knees I could see everyone was on the ground, my comrades and enemies; everyone that is but one opponent on the other side of the field. He charged yelling with his sword drawn.

As I saw him cross the field, I prepared for the death blow. All eyes of the "dead" were fixed on me watching my certain fate. Suddenly, I was as aware of the six-foot sword in my hand as I was my approaching opponent.  I waited till he was five fee from me. With all the strength in me, I thrust the weapon in his direction and closed my eyes. Cheers went up as my foam sword met with the champion's head. The force of the blow sent him sprawling to the floor, and I, a timid and awkward girl, won the battle.

Hard Times

One of my students asked me today why I am in such a good mood. I realized that I was in a great mood. The reason sounds crazy, but it has been a really hard couple of days. I was frustrated and angry and tired and stressed out. So why am I in a good mood today. Well, during those two days I cried out to God for grace and wisdom. Today, I realized He has given me so much grace and wisdom and joy on top. Good thing we have bad days for they cause us to see and seek God.

life's catastrophes

"When we trust our lives to the hand and pen of an unseen but ever-present God, He will write our lives into
His story and every last one of them will turn out to be a great read. With a grand ending. And not just in spite of those catastrophes. Often because of them. Don't just wait and see. Live and see." Beth Moore -Esther

I fittingly read this last night. I thought it fit then because of the theme of writing. I feel as if His hand and pen have written out the details of my life up to now. Each new chapter, He gives me a foreshadowing of in the previous. Then He gently unfolds it, pulling me in and making me long for what is next. This chapter, as I have said, brings something new, and I am eager and excited.

Today however, the quote seems fitting, because today I feel as if it is hard being a woman. Tough meetings, angry people, management I don't understand or agree with, expectations, being capable yet tired and on the edges of burnout. Today I feel there is a foreshadow of difficulty and hardship. Today I feel as if there is a foreshadowed catastrophe. So last night I saw the beauty in the quote, today I see the difficulty.

New things

I love to go on walks. The fresh air and exercise really work to get my head cleared and sometimes filled back up. The walk a couple of days ago served to do just that. I realized afresh something I have long known about myself: I don't try things unless success is guaranteed. Don't get me wrong, I love the idea of learning knew things. I will make grand lists. I will go online and research a contact person, a location, a time. I will write them all down with grand hopes of something new. But then it comes down to calling that person, going to the meeting, signing up for the class, and I chicken out. This pattern seems to be increasing as I get older and more comfortable in my ways. So on my walk the other day, I was thinking that this season is new and thus something new to be learned. Fear gripped me like a cold wind. The Holy Spirit like a trusty winter coat was there shielding me from this fear. "What are you the most afraid of?" he asked me. The answer: I am afraid of looking like a fool. "What will happen if you do look like a fool?" The answer: I'll be embarrassed.

Then the lyrics to a Bethany Dillon song came to my heart out of order and resounding like a gong.
"I believe in you. I believe in you. When nothing comes from tryin' Just remember I believe in you. Let me dream for you. I know it feels like every eye is watching you, waiting for you to fall, expecting you to lose. but I believe in you."

So here is the answer. I need to look like a fool. I need to try new things, even when nothing comes from trying. and my fear of looking foolish... Well, the Creator of the universe believes in me. What other opinion is there to fear?