What we tell ourselves

I have written before about the physical pain my body often experiences. Because of this pain, I started seeing a godly herbalist. She has been working for the past few months to restore health to my body in the major functions of digestion, sleep, and stress. I have noticed a huge difference. First of all, I have been sleeping through the night for the first time in years (minus the last few nights where I have had too much caffeine, too late in the day). I have noticed a huge change in my cravings for food, and my digestion of it. My energy levels have soared. These have all been amazing changes, but the most exhilarating has been the lessening of pain. There are days when my body still reacts and I feel stiff and sore and hurting, but those days are few and far between. Previous to these herbals I would go through weeks of intense and perpetual pain.

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine gave me an unofficial diagnosis of the cause of my pain. The diagnosis is not one taken lightly, and if accurate, has very negative ramifications. When I presented this unofficial diagnosis to my godly herbalist, she spoke truth to me that is today sinking deep into my heart. She said when we put such negative labels on ourselves, we start to live out that label. This particular label has negative associations ones she would not allow me to claim. What we say to ourselves, we live out. She said, "When you don't sleep or get stressed, you have some physical pain. Leave it at that." She encouraged me instead to focus on the healing God has brought and will continue to bring. What freedom there was in this statement!

I realized that her words have implications for all of life. What labels do I put on myself? What do I call myself? What I call myself, I will live out. So I have to get rid of all negative labels I have put on me. I wear His name, that need be the only label I am associated with.

Oh and another thought, a dear friend told me that I am healing quickly. A reason for this quick progression in physical health could be so intricately related to being in a good place spiritually. As she pointed this out, I was so aware that I am in a good place spiritually. I am overwhelmed by God's goodness to me. He loves me and I am keenly aware of it. Praise God, Jehovah Raffa, My Healer!

Down in the Depths

"That awful glimpse down into the abyss of an existence without Him had so staggered and appalled her heart that she felt she could never be quite the same again. However, it had opened her eyes to the fact that right down in the depths of her own heart she really had but one passionate desire, not for the things which the Shepherd had promised, bur for Himself. All she wanted was to be allowed to follow Him forever.

Other desires might clamor strongly and fiercely nearer the surface of her nature, but she knew now that down in the core of her own being, she was so shaped that nothing could fit, fill, or satisfy her heart but Himself. 'Nothing else really matters,' she said to herself, 'only to love Him and to do what He tells me. I don't know quite why it should be so, but it is. All the time it is suffering to love and sorrow to love, but it is lovely to love Him in spite of this, and if I should cease to do so, I should cease to exist."

Hinds Feet on High Places
In the Valley of Loss
Hannah Hurnard

What are you seeking?

"What do you want your life to look like? What are you seeking?"

I just started a study called The Good and Beautiful God, by James Bryan Smith. I have a feeling it is going to be the inspiration for many blog entries. The first chapter is a thesis of what he is trying to accomplish and how. The question he begins with is "what are you seeking?" My heart instantly responded where words are slower to come. I am seeking a heart of love that overflows into every area of life. I am seeking the abiding in Christ, the intimacy of knowing His will, praying and living it into existence. I am seeking a shinny face from being in God's presence. I am seeking an open heaven where I see God moving in and around me in ways I can't even begin to imagine. I am seeking satisfaction, and longing fulfilled. I am seeking Jesus.

These are the heart cries, but I get hung up on the how. I get hung up on my sin, on distractions, and the loss of hope. So Smith goes to the how. If we are seeking His kingdom, there are four practices we need to cultivate: change the narratives in our minds, train our souls for godliness, live in community, and depend on the Holy Spirit. It seems simple, but I think it is going to be a difficult process. I am about to embark on a journey toward godliness. I will let you know how it goes. Soul training #1 is sleep. This one I think I am going to enjoy.

I Am

I am... I could fill in the blank with so many things. I am a redhead. I am a bit OCD. I am an outgoing introvert. I am an admirer of beauty. And the list goes on and on....

This week I wrote a third grade Bible lesson on the "I Am" statements of Jesus. I pulled out all my commentaries, Bible dictionaries, and word study books. I did some monster research on these 8 phrases (well actually only 7 for these purposes). God used those massive books to hit me upside the head with truth, truth that went straight from my head to my heart. Here are some things I learned:

• When Jesus reveals something about Himself, He demands a response, a reaction from us. If He is the Bread of Life, we must consume Him. We must "eat" Him. This consuming process happens through believing in Jesus Christ. If Jesus is the Good Shepherd, He must be listened to, trusted, and followed. If Jesus is the Light of the World, we must no longer walk in darkness. He demands a reaction. 
• When Jesus reveals something about Himself, He draws our attention to what He has said before, so that when we make the connection, we stand in awe of Him. Each of the I Am statements is reminiscent of the desert experience. The phrase "I Am" comes from the burning bush in Exodus 3:14. He is also Bread=manna; Light= pillar of fire; Good Shepherd= Moses was called the good shepherd of Israel; Resurrection= the snake lifted up that brought life, The Way= pillar of cloud, The Truth= the law; The Life= I set before you this day life and death, choose life; The Vine= the grapes representative of the fertile land of Canaan. 
• When Jesus reveals something about Himself, He shows off the character of God. God is Light, Life, and Truth. Surely, Jesus was not just a man. He was the Son of God, for His character is God's character. 
• When Jesus reveals something about Himself, He presents those who would follow with unspeakable riches. When we follow Jesus, we get our spiritual hunger and thirst satisfied. We get guidance, protection, and direction. We get life itself.

He blew me away afresh with the Good Shepherd analogy. This relationship is one of intimacy. Jesus knows me by name. He loves me and cares for me. He cares for every single one of my needs. He lies across the entrance to the sheepfold, making Himself the Door, so that I won't wander away, and so that no enemy will wander in. He risks His life for me, He lays it down. A good shepherd will stand against thieves, robbers, and wild animals, with the risk that He could die, but with the confidence that He will prevail, for nothing will come against His sheep. Jesus loves me this way. I love it too that He calls me and leads me out. I do know His voice. I have heard Him call me. I will follow.

The other thing that blew me away was The Vine. He is the vine, I am the branch. If I remain in Him, I will bear much fruit. This word remain or abide is the verb form of dwelling place. That is what the Tabernacle was called, for God Himself would come down in all His glory and dwell with men. The God of the universe living with me. My friend Alaina described this as one of those huge old trees, the ones with big holes in them. We can go and make our home in the hole of that tree so that it is wrapped all around us. Likewise, we can dwell with Jesus as He completely surrounds us. The fruit mentioned in John 15 is greater trust, answered prayer, and love for each other. God has been giving me this fruit as the last several days He has taken me to new places of faith, prayer, and love. 

So the conclusion of the matter is this I AM has overtaken my life so that it no longer matters who I am. He is the One who satisfies me, guides me, cares for me and protects me, calls me by name and leads me out, gives me eternal life that begins life. He is my life giving source. He is I AM.

Prayer Requests for Romania

If you read this and would be so kind, I would love for you to join me in prayer for my trip to Romania. I am asking the Father for the following things:

•  God will use me to lay hands on people, pray for them, and see Him heal many.
• God will give me a new mission statement for my life. I need a new vision, a new song, a new direction. 
• God will make His name great among the Roma gypsies so that they will be well represented in the kingdom of God when He returns. 
• God will give me and my teammates overwhelming and unspeakable joy.
• God will allow me and the team to witness of Him among the Roma in such a way that many (many more than I can ask or imagine) will give their lives to Jesus.
• God will give me specific words of encouragement for people on my team. 
• God will blow all my expectations out of the water: miracles of healing, restoration, provision, redemption, plenty. I pray He will show us all that He is the God of so much more. 

Thanks for praying,

M

I'm so proud

When I was in the third grade, we were asked to find and memorize a poem and present it in front of the class. I remember going home that night scared because I didn't know how to find a poem, or even where to start looking. I don't know how it came about, but my dad ended up writing one on the history of Mexico. I set my mind to memorize it, and I did. I don't remember all the details, but not only did I present it to the class, but was one of the top in the class. My teacher asked me to present it at the end of the year program.

I was so nervous that night. I was sitting in the front row going over the poem repeatedly in my head. Then it was my turn. I walked up on stage. I remember how bright and hot the lights were. Suddenly, my nerves were replaced with the thought that my dad had written this poem. I remember feeling so incredibly proud as I said the title and my dad's name as the author. I recited the poem. I don't remember making mistakes; I don't remember the crowd's reaction. But I do remember seeing my parents through the lights in the audience. I remember both of their faces beaming up at me with enormous smiles. I am reminded now of the realization that hit me that night: they were proud of me.

So now, at times, I feel like a third grade girl, scared and nervous, like everyone is watching and I might fail. But my Father has written a story for me, one he wants me to show off. When I present it, I am filled with pride as I read the title and His name as the author. The amazing thing is that He is on the front row, beaming a huge smile. For He is so proud of me.

What makes me alive...

A few nights ago, my roommate and I started dreaming of packing everything up, driving far off, and changing our lives. Well, I am a bit extreme, so I quickly got on line and looked up what it would take to do just that. What started as a dream turned into a possible reality. I'm not sure which of us figured that we were ploughing ahead without consulting The Author of our dreams to see if this dreaming was in line with His. 

So we prayed. I felt compelled to pray like I never have before. Instead of laying my plans before Him and asking for His approval or disapproval like usual. I decided to ask Him what His plans were and wait in silence till He answered. So my roommate and I sat in the living room carrying on a three-way conversation. It went something like this (I will only share what He told me, though He shared some cool stuff with my roommate at the same time):

- Lord, I confess I don't trust you very well. I want to grow in that, so I come humbly through this process. Lord, what is it that you have given me that makes me feel alive? 

- Writing.

-Lord are you opening a season of using that which makes me feel alive?

-YES!

- Lord are you leading me to use that which makes me come alive as a primary source of income?

- no.

- Lord, are you changing my circumstances so that in the near future (i.e.his summer) I should pack up everything and move?

He responded with nothing, so I thought maybe I asked the wrong question or in the wrong way. 

- Lord, are you moving me on from my current school right now? 

(the lyrics to a song came flooding to mind) "I just won't give up now, come to far from where I started from"

His conversation with me thus ended, having a surety of the near future, and an assurance of a heart desire. Tonight, I realized a little bit of the weight of the small dialogue God had conducted with me. He has made me to write. Eric Liddell once said that God had made him fast, and when he runs he feels God's pleasure. Well, I feel that way about writing. Sometimes I suffer from a lack of motivation. Sometimes it is hard, hard work. But then when my fingers hit the keyboard, I feel His pleasure.  Tonight, I saw how God used my writing for a greater purpose. I took someone's thoughts and made them flow and sound good. The thoughts are amazing, the vision behind them divine, and I have a part to play to get the thought and vision communicated clearly. God has a reason for my writing. Well, He has several reasons for my writing: my joy and feeling alive, my friend's expression of her dream, the encouragement of those who read it, and ultimate the glory of the God who delights in my writing. 

Spirit World

Paul said that our battle is against the rulers, authorities, powers of this dark world and spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Wouldn't it be amazing if God would suddenly open our eyes to the unseen world? Amazing, yet I don't think we could handle it. It seems cool on this side of the seen, but I think we might cower if we saw it on that side.

Every once in a while, though. God rips just a little tear in the other dimension. Our eyes "play tricks" on us and we see the invisible. We see it in lights and shadows; in contorted expressions and radiant faces of peace; we see it in tormented anxiety and deep breaths. If we pay attention we are invited to "see" the unseen. 

We are also invited to take up our shields and swords and fight along side our Creator. Sometimes He sees our helpless estate and He swoops in and fights the battle around us, for us. But other times, He hears us say words like, "You are able to do more than we ask or imagine, please do more now." and He rises up and says, "You missed a huge part. See I can do amazing things, more than you ask or imagine, but it is through you, through the power at work in you." See God has made us more than conquerors. He has given us His authority. He has said we will do greater things than the things He did. He calls us to do all things through Christ our strength. And so, sometimes, He invites us to take up our weapons and fight off the unseen powers of this dark world. 

We get to see the unseen. We get to fight the good fight. And in so doing we bring Him a lot of glory.