Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Starting Fresh
"He makes all things new." Nothing reminds me of this truth more than the beginning of a new school year. Going through the isles of Office Max new packs of crayons, paper, markers, and glue make me giddy. Then to see those same school supplies in my room, in their designated spot (untainted by the chaos that students bring:) makes it feel like home. I have my syllabi copied. I have my seating chart done (or will before students come in tomorrow). I have my rosters in hand, and I am thrilled. I am teaching almost all new classes, most of them Bible. It is a new year! There is energy and electricity in the air. It is a new year! I realize how much God has changed me, and am excited to show it off. This year already has begun with my mind focused on Jesus in a way that hasn't happened before. I think God gives us new beginnings physically so that we realize that He is in the business of new beginnings. "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new." He is in the business of starting fresh.
Friday, August 19, 2011
My File Cabinet
Several years ago I took the Strengths Finder Test. I found it absolutely fascinating as I love everything having to do with personality profiling. This particular test is built on the premise that if we all work from a place of our strengths rather than trying to accommodate our weaknesses we will be more productive, happier people.
So my strengths.. they are all pretty nerdy: achiever, responsibility, learner, intellection, and input. Basically I like to gather information, think about it, store it, and use it to point of completion (so there is a nice little check by it at the end of the day). The one that has got me thinking lately is input. Someone with this strength is a collector. My form of input is in collecting information.
See, my brain works like a file cabinet. I hear information. If I find it interesting in any way, it gets filed in my file cabinet under nice little labelled folders. Later (sometimes much, much later) I hear a conversation, a speech, a sermon, and a file folder is pulled up in my brain. I quickly scan through the contents and find a connected piece of information. Once a file folder is opened, and a connecting tid bit is pulled, I feel compulsively driven to share that nugget.
It plays out like this: Someone talks about who at school is CPR certified, my CPR file folder is drawn up. Several pieces of information pop up: 1. where the AED machine is 2. all the people that were at the CPR training 3. my roommate and coworker is not on the list (and should be) 4. my friend who had to resuscitate two people one being a horrific story where the person died. Once these bullets in the folder come up I have to share them. Usually not all, but I obsess about it, till a compulsion makes me: raise my hand and tell the group where the machine is, call out my roommate as certified, and share to the person beside me a snippit of the horrific story, "a friend of mine has had to do CPR twice," I whisper, though if I'm being honest the number will often be exaggerated for storytelling effect.
It's funny how it works, one bullet of information could be under many file folders and therefore useful in many scenarios. Like my brother's potato gun story can be filed under accidents, eyes, potatoes, my brother, fainting at the sight of blood, awkward people or situations. It is also funny too, because in social situations, conversations can go from one topic to another so quickly that I will often get backlogged on folders and bullets accessed. A file folder might pop up, a nugget identified, I go to share it, but the conversation shifts. So I am left with a compulsion to share that which is no longer relevant, so I anxiously await another folder to be accessed, hoping it will happen soon.
Honestly, I love this about my brain. As a teacher it comes in really handy. The last two days back for teachers have given me many opportunities to open my file cabinet, pull out a folder and share information. I only pray that I might live with this great gift surrendered to God, for if not I am a poser know-it-all, trying to get attention and acclaim. But this strength surrendered can be a great tool to bring glory to God.
So my strengths.. they are all pretty nerdy: achiever, responsibility, learner, intellection, and input. Basically I like to gather information, think about it, store it, and use it to point of completion (so there is a nice little check by it at the end of the day). The one that has got me thinking lately is input. Someone with this strength is a collector. My form of input is in collecting information.
See, my brain works like a file cabinet. I hear information. If I find it interesting in any way, it gets filed in my file cabinet under nice little labelled folders. Later (sometimes much, much later) I hear a conversation, a speech, a sermon, and a file folder is pulled up in my brain. I quickly scan through the contents and find a connected piece of information. Once a file folder is opened, and a connecting tid bit is pulled, I feel compulsively driven to share that nugget.
It plays out like this: Someone talks about who at school is CPR certified, my CPR file folder is drawn up. Several pieces of information pop up: 1. where the AED machine is 2. all the people that were at the CPR training 3. my roommate and coworker is not on the list (and should be) 4. my friend who had to resuscitate two people one being a horrific story where the person died. Once these bullets in the folder come up I have to share them. Usually not all, but I obsess about it, till a compulsion makes me: raise my hand and tell the group where the machine is, call out my roommate as certified, and share to the person beside me a snippit of the horrific story, "a friend of mine has had to do CPR twice," I whisper, though if I'm being honest the number will often be exaggerated for storytelling effect.
It's funny how it works, one bullet of information could be under many file folders and therefore useful in many scenarios. Like my brother's potato gun story can be filed under accidents, eyes, potatoes, my brother, fainting at the sight of blood, awkward people or situations. It is also funny too, because in social situations, conversations can go from one topic to another so quickly that I will often get backlogged on folders and bullets accessed. A file folder might pop up, a nugget identified, I go to share it, but the conversation shifts. So I am left with a compulsion to share that which is no longer relevant, so I anxiously await another folder to be accessed, hoping it will happen soon.
Honestly, I love this about my brain. As a teacher it comes in really handy. The last two days back for teachers have given me many opportunities to open my file cabinet, pull out a folder and share information. I only pray that I might live with this great gift surrendered to God, for if not I am a poser know-it-all, trying to get attention and acclaim. But this strength surrendered can be a great tool to bring glory to God.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
sadness
The last few days have been laced with a deep and inexplicable sadness. Not sure when it started or what caused it, but tears have been close to the surface for days. So today, I let them come and with them came some faces of this sadness. My heart is homesick for heaven and for Jesus. I am sad because of my own sin: my pride, my critical spirit, my lack of self-control. I am sad for those who are lost without Jesus. I am sad for dear friends who long to have children and can't. I am sad for friends who are far away wishing they were close enough to call up for a cup of tea and a hug. I am sad for the dissatisfaction that drives me most of the time. It drives me to constantly be looking and longing for what is next. It causes me to pray for that next thing instead of all these other things that God cares about. I am sad because I know God loves me, I don't doubt it at all, yet I don't deserve it at all either. I am sad for the current lack of driving vision. I am sad for the years, the gifts, the opportunities I have wasted. So the inexplicable sadness got exchanged for over-explicable sadness.
When your heart feels this heaviness, good girlfriends are always a good remedy. Mine tonight let me know that this could be the Father stirring me, getting me ready for something, or trying to teach me something. Or, the second option is that this deep sadness is from the enemy of our souls trying to distract, tempt, overwhelm. My heart says that either way it will soon be seen for what it is. Also, the best remedy is to turn to Him, to look on his face, and see the same sadness there that I might be comforted. When I seek the "face place", if it is from Him, He will accomplish what He desires; if it from our enemy, God will then have victory.
So Lord, tonight I give you this sadness. I don't know where it came from, but I bring it to you. My heart says, "seek His face," your face O Lord I will seek. I curl up in your lap and cry. For you care about my tears and can carry my burdened heart. If this is from you, may it accomplish something beautiful in me. If it is from Satan, may you gain all the victory. Either way, I am yours, and I pray you be greatly glorified.
When your heart feels this heaviness, good girlfriends are always a good remedy. Mine tonight let me know that this could be the Father stirring me, getting me ready for something, or trying to teach me something. Or, the second option is that this deep sadness is from the enemy of our souls trying to distract, tempt, overwhelm. My heart says that either way it will soon be seen for what it is. Also, the best remedy is to turn to Him, to look on his face, and see the same sadness there that I might be comforted. When I seek the "face place", if it is from Him, He will accomplish what He desires; if it from our enemy, God will then have victory.
So Lord, tonight I give you this sadness. I don't know where it came from, but I bring it to you. My heart says, "seek His face," your face O Lord I will seek. I curl up in your lap and cry. For you care about my tears and can carry my burdened heart. If this is from you, may it accomplish something beautiful in me. If it is from Satan, may you gain all the victory. Either way, I am yours, and I pray you be greatly glorified.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Take my life
Take my life and let it be
Consecrated, Lord, to thee.
Take my moments and my days;
Let them flow in ceaseless praise.
Take my hands and let them move
at the impulse of thy love.
Take my feet and let them be
Swift and beautiful for thee.
Take my voice and let me sing
Always, only for My King.
Take my lips and let them be
Filled with messages from thee.
Take my silver and my gold;
Not a mite would I withhold.
Take my intellect and use
Every power as you choose.
Take my will, and make it thine.
It shall be no longer mine.
Take my heart; it is thine own.
It shall be thy royal throne.
Take my love, My Lord, I pour
At your feet its treasure store.
Take myself and I will be
Ever, only, all for Thee.
Confession is good for the soul
God has been majorly connecting dots for me this week. While these dots will share my weaknesses, I believe confession is cathartic, and since I can usually write better than speak, here goes....
Dot 1: Sometimes I experience great physical pain.
Dot 2: This pain is not rooted physically, but emotionally.
Dot 3: I have a hard time expressing painful emotions and stress, so my body hurts.
Dot 4: Those painful emotions and stress usually stem from disappointing or hurting people, or even the fear that I have disappointed someone, especially someone I love.
Dot 5: I tend to disappoint people most often because I try to help, relieve, change, or fix someone. I see needs in those around me and want to step in. While it can be positive and Christlike, for me, this is often a misdirected sense of identity. I see myself as a Helper, a Fixer. But I can never do it perfectly. I will go too fast and mess up, or try to help too much where it is not my place to help. I end up needing brokenness around me to make me feel less broken. So I have been horribly guilty of seeking out broken people so that I can fix them. This never works. God chides me "You're trying to do my job. You are trying to fix something only I can fix."So inevitably comes dot 6.
Dot 6: When I find my identity in trying to help, relieve stress, fix, I will mess up greatly. And therefore I will hurt people. They will be disappointed in me, and I will feel my stack of cards falling apart.
The conclusion: Somewhere in life I have picked up a misperception that the greatest weakness in my life is to show weakness. So in that I have taken on a persona that I have to have it all together. Not being satisfied with just this, I have also adhered myself to the lie that I have to hold the ones I love together too. I have to be strong. I have to perform. So then a comment, a look, a phone call, or just more brokenness than I can handle will rip a hole in the well-constructed exterior persona I have created. One semblance of disapproval will drive me mad. My brain will go over every possible way I could have offended, every way I didn't measure up. The pain and stress of it continues to pile up having no outlet to be released, for certainly tears are a clear sign of weakness. So my identity is in question and my body downtrodden, and so I hurt.
The solution:
God is the only one who can hold me and the people I love together. He is the Great Fixer.
I am broken. I will mess up. I will disappoint and hurt people.
My identity is not in my failures.
My identity is not in how well I can cover up my failures.
My identity is not in holding it all together.
My identity is not in holding everyone else all together.
So God can hold me together. He loves me, broken and all.
and if pain is an expression of hurt and stress, it is a bad expression of it. Tears and talking are a lot easier, so when I mess up, when I am stressed, when I disappoint someone I need to let myself feel, cry, talk, pray... honestly. To show weakness is not the greatest weakness, to hide is.
Dot 1: Sometimes I experience great physical pain.
Dot 2: This pain is not rooted physically, but emotionally.
Dot 3: I have a hard time expressing painful emotions and stress, so my body hurts.
Dot 4: Those painful emotions and stress usually stem from disappointing or hurting people, or even the fear that I have disappointed someone, especially someone I love.
Dot 5: I tend to disappoint people most often because I try to help, relieve, change, or fix someone. I see needs in those around me and want to step in. While it can be positive and Christlike, for me, this is often a misdirected sense of identity. I see myself as a Helper, a Fixer. But I can never do it perfectly. I will go too fast and mess up, or try to help too much where it is not my place to help. I end up needing brokenness around me to make me feel less broken. So I have been horribly guilty of seeking out broken people so that I can fix them. This never works. God chides me "You're trying to do my job. You are trying to fix something only I can fix."So inevitably comes dot 6.
Dot 6: When I find my identity in trying to help, relieve stress, fix, I will mess up greatly. And therefore I will hurt people. They will be disappointed in me, and I will feel my stack of cards falling apart.
The conclusion: Somewhere in life I have picked up a misperception that the greatest weakness in my life is to show weakness. So in that I have taken on a persona that I have to have it all together. Not being satisfied with just this, I have also adhered myself to the lie that I have to hold the ones I love together too. I have to be strong. I have to perform. So then a comment, a look, a phone call, or just more brokenness than I can handle will rip a hole in the well-constructed exterior persona I have created. One semblance of disapproval will drive me mad. My brain will go over every possible way I could have offended, every way I didn't measure up. The pain and stress of it continues to pile up having no outlet to be released, for certainly tears are a clear sign of weakness. So my identity is in question and my body downtrodden, and so I hurt.
The solution:
God is the only one who can hold me and the people I love together. He is the Great Fixer.
I am broken. I will mess up. I will disappoint and hurt people.
My identity is not in my failures.
My identity is not in how well I can cover up my failures.
My identity is not in holding it all together.
My identity is not in holding everyone else all together.
So God can hold me together. He loves me, broken and all.
and if pain is an expression of hurt and stress, it is a bad expression of it. Tears and talking are a lot easier, so when I mess up, when I am stressed, when I disappoint someone I need to let myself feel, cry, talk, pray... honestly. To show weakness is not the greatest weakness, to hide is.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Sweet Land
Sometimes the simplest stories grab your heart and change you a little. I had that experience tonight watching an independent film. The plot was simple: An American farmer in the early 20th century gets a mail order bride. She turns out to be German, and no one will marry them because of it (they think she is a spy). So the two strangers are ostracized and have to bring in the harvest alone. They show kindness where none has been extended to them. They fall in love and grow old together in the same house, on the same land. There was no climax, no big mystery, no great tragedy. The simplest of stories. As I sit here writing about it, tears come to my eyes and bit of pain in my heart.
"A think of beauty is a joy for ever:
Its loveliness increases; it will never
Pass into nothingness; but still will keep
A bower quiet for us, and a sleep
Full of sweet dreams, and health, and quiet breathing."
by John Keats
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