sadness

The last few days have been laced with a deep and inexplicable sadness. Not sure when it started or what caused it, but tears have been close to the surface for days. So today, I let them come and with them came some faces of this sadness. My heart is homesick for heaven and for Jesus. I am sad because of my own sin: my pride, my critical spirit, my lack of self-control. I am sad for those who are lost without Jesus. I am sad for dear friends who long to have children and can't. I am sad for friends who are far away wishing they were close enough to call up for a cup of tea and a hug. I am sad for the dissatisfaction that drives me most of the time. It drives me to constantly be looking and longing for what is next. It causes me to pray for that next thing instead of all these other things that God cares about. I am sad because I know God loves me, I don't doubt it at all, yet I don't deserve it at all either. I am sad for the current lack of driving vision. I am sad for the years, the gifts, the opportunities I have wasted. So the inexplicable sadness got exchanged for over-explicable sadness.

When your heart feels this heaviness, good girlfriends are always a good remedy. Mine tonight let me know that this could be the Father stirring me, getting me ready for something, or trying to teach me something. Or, the second option is that this deep sadness is from the enemy of our souls trying to distract, tempt, overwhelm. My heart says that either way it will soon be seen for what it is. Also, the best remedy is to turn to Him, to look on his face, and see the same sadness there that I might be comforted. When I seek the "face place", if it is from Him, He will accomplish what He desires; if it from our enemy, God will then have victory.

So Lord, tonight I give you this sadness. I don't know where it came from, but I bring it to you. My heart says, "seek His face," your face O Lord I will seek. I curl up in your lap and cry. For you care about my tears and can carry my burdened heart. If this is from you, may it accomplish something beautiful in me. If it is from Satan, may you gain all the victory. Either way, I am yours, and I pray you be greatly glorified.