Dead Tree

For months, I have looked out my window and seen the eye-sore of a pulled up, dead tree piled high in the corner of our yard. We have done nothing with it in the expectation that someone else would take care of this problem: maybe our landlord or the town house association. But no one has, and there the rotting tree has been. Today, enjoying the pleasant weather after a long winter, I sat to journal outside. I suddenly, and unexpectedly, got the urge to clear away the dead tree. It's funny the timing of things because this morning I heard a wonderful message about taking off the old man, getting rid of the dead carcass we were before Christ. So as I piled up dead branches, trunk, and roots in my arms, I prayed that God would do that in my heart, that He would reveal the lies and fears I have held onto, that He would pile them up in his arms and take them to the burn heap. I prayed He would  do that in the hearts of the people I love. I realized that no new growth would come in that patch, except weeds and bugs, if the tree were still there. So it is in our lives, no new fruit can grow were the old, dead man is piled up. Spring time is close at hand, so the dead, rotting tree in us, must be cleared out to make way for the new life He longs to give.

what I care about

Last week the guy I tutor in Spanish (a high school senior) said that he knew everything about me. Though what I share with him is minimal, he still wanted to prove it. So he rattled off a list of things I care about. It went like this: You care about your students and me, teaching, though not Spanish, English and words. That was his list. I have to say I was so disappointed because he didn't mention Jesus, the person I care the most about, and the things he mentioned were just a few of the things I care about. So tonight I got to share with him this fact about me that he didn't know. I care about Jesus! My faith is the most important thing to me. He was surprised but by the end of the evening he asked me to pray for him for something specific this weekend. I was elated.

My life is compartmentalized and I don't like it. To this student I am nothing but a cooky teacher and tutor. On this blog though I have portrayed myself to be such a die hard follower of Jesus that there is little else to me. So my ambition is to de-box my life. I want Jesus to bleed in every area, but I also want every area to be me. I want to be present. Let me say this too, my student didn't say that I care about people, art, trees, coffee shops, reading, crocheting, movies, stories, people.

I like to think. I like to think deeply. I like to write. This blog gives me the opportunity to think and to write. I talk a lot about spirituality on here. But there is more to me. I also love to laugh. Love to talk over a cup of coffee. Love to play with kids. Love to go on walks. For those of you that doubted I am not Mother Theresa. I love Jesus but am completely human.

Mirror

So the full length mirror I have propped up in my closet was noticed to be covered in dust. When I cleaned it yesterday, I also noticed that I have it propped like a foot from the wall. So I moved it back. What happened next was a grave disappointment, for I stood up and looked at my image in the mirror. While a more accurate portrayal of myself, it was not nearly as flattering as the image that had been there a few minutes ago.

Spiritually something similar happened. See I felt led to pray for some people. It was one of those fire in my belly kind of prayer times. I was fighting and interceding and really trying to follow God's direction and leading. So I prayed specifics, one in particular that was time-sensitive. Well, the time came and went for the specific to be answered and nothing. I was disappointed. I had felt God leading me to pray those specifics and He didn't answer them.

I realized that I often distort the image of my Creator into something more appealing. I pull the mirror out a foot and rejoice over lost weight. However, the truth is that "now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." See, God requires obedience now. God is not bound by my expectations or my prayers. Sometimes, He just wants me to pray... not so that He will answer my specifics in my way, but so that I will obey Him no matter what. A wise pastor said he taught his children to obey now and ask questions later. Obedience must always be first. So it is time to put the mirror back into its place, not the place that is more palatable yet deceptive. God I trust you with the specifics. You gave them to me to pray, You will answer as You see fit. And I can't wait till I will know and be known fully. 

Sigh No More

I have just recently been introduced to a band called Mumford and Sons. I was blown away by the lyrics to their song "Sigh No More":

Love it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be
There is a design, an alignment, a cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be 

That too is the cry of my heart to see love as it was made to be. That is what Christ offers love that sets us free and makes us who we are meant to be.

My Latest Creation

Created to Crave

We are beings that constantly crave. We are filled with longing, often long unfulfilled longing. I long for a beautiful, peaceful home of my own. I long for a husband and with it companionship, love, and affection. I long for fulfillment. I long for adventure. I long for children, and usefulness. Sometimes it feels like God gives these longings with little expectation that they will be fulfilled. So is he playing games?  The answer He is teaching me is no He is not playing games. He has created me, all of us, to crave. Sometimes He temporarily fills those cravings here. But a lot of time even when circumstances could fill the craving, they don't. Those cravings, longings, are intentional. He will one day fill them to the brim....With Himself. Oh what a beautiful change of mindset He's giving me. I could try to fill those craters in my heart, but I will end up brokenhearted and miserable. Better yet, though, I could eagerly expect Him to fill them and me to the fullness of the measure of Christ. He will fill those cravings with Himself as much as I can handle now, and He will fill them completely then. He ultimately created me to crave Him, that's what all those other longings point to. He is my home, my husband, my companion, my adventure, my fulfillment.

Feelings and Lies

Last week was Spiritual Emphasis Week at school. It was awesome to come into chapel each day with my feelings all geared up. One day, I felt like crying because God is so good and I am so not. Another day I felt nervous, another excited beyond belief.

On the last day, I walked in feeling nothing. I journaled about the sudden lack of feelings, "Lord, did you leave? I don't feel You, like I did the other day." When we finished worship a simple invitation was given. God had not answered my question, so I had no idea what to expect. Suddenly, I was surrounded by eleven middle schoolers. Two girls were weeping. They both prayed the most amazing prayers of salvation I've ever heard. I was blown away. I was not the only one surrounded by students. Every available adult was praying with kids and God was not only present but greatly working.

Later on I went to the question I had asked, and I believe I stumbled onto a great big lie of our generation. If what I feel makes things real, then conversely if I don't feel it, it must not be real. I thought God had left that day because I didn't feel Him, and I was grossly mistaken (and I'm not even a strong feeler). So I wonder, how many Christians are not experiencing the life that is truly life that Jesus longs to give because they don't feel Him. Oh how sad....

I would like to say to all who have struggled because they don't feel God....God's presence, power, life, goodness are not dependent on our feelings. He is God even if we never feel Him. He is real.

Potato Gun

My brother is amazing. He loves  to talk to people. He is always finding those who are down and out, lonely, and tired, and he strikes up a conversation with them.

One day, my brother struck up one such conversation with a lonely guy of few words. The two sat in his living room with little in common and even less to say. A painful fifteen passed with not much more than, "so how was your week?" "good, good, yours?" "good, good."  Finally, after an agonizing eternity of awkwardness, my brother's new "friend" suggested they pull out his potato gun.

I don't know of many men that would turn down such an offer. So the two went out to the patch of backyard that existed behind his tall fence with their aerosoled and fused PVC pipe. They loaded the potato and were ready to launch. A slight problem presented itself, though. This guy lived in the middle of a crowded and busy city, and they were launching in a small patch of backyard.This particular potato gun could launch a potato the length of a football field which could be dangerous and illegal in a crowded and busy city. So they loaded the potato and shot at the ground. What neither realized was that the aerosol was being pulled downward and not catching the fuse, so the gun misfired several times.

Now, my brother is a chef, so the thought of wasting a perfectly good potato was appalling. Therefore, he proceeded to procure said potato. As soon as he flipped the pipe, the aerosol caught the fuse and the potato launched. My brother's face took the hit, and the force dropped his 6'4'' frame like a sack of potatoes (forgive the pun). The potato hit him square in the eye.

He feared the worst. As he gripped his face with his hand, he yelled at his buddy, "Dude, do you see my eye?" The awkward friend was now freaking out, yelling and screaming, jumping up and down. My brother asked again, "Look in my eye socket. Is my eye still in there?"

When they realized his eye was still in place, they got in the car to drive to the hospital. The awkward friend was still freaking out and stalled the car more times than could be counted in those few seconds. Anger started growing in my brother as he realized that he just shot himself in the face with a potato. He ordered the friend out of the driver's seat and one-handed, one-eyed, dramatically drove himself to the hospital.

My brother walked into the hospital holding his bloody face; the friend on his heels holding the fated gun. The doctors were fascinated by the injury and the gun and asked just as many questions about both. One doctor finally came in with X-rays of my brother's head. "Young man," he said. "If this potato had hit any other man, with any other facial structure, he would have been dead on impact or severely brain damaged. But your head is huge!" Finally, the large skull that had gotten my brother the nickname of Cro-Magnon man growing up was good for something. It was that skull that saved his life.

Homesick

The song Hosanna has really been imprinted in my mind. It could be because during the last week, Spiritual Emphasis Week, at school, we have sung it everyday. I have been struck by a different line each day. The most recent "as I walk from earth into eternity". This little phrase penetrated deep places for me and filled me with extreme homesickness.

As a missionary kid, homesickness is a familiar feeling. I feel restless all the time. I feel unsettled, homesick. This often makes me look up job openings or missions trips all over the world. This week though it made me pray that God would come and get me soon, so that He can take me to the place where I will never feel homesick again.

Immediately my mind went to Philippians 1:

"For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, so that through my being with you again your boasting in Christ Jesus will abound on account of me." 

I long for heaven with every fiber of my being. But I was soon reminded I have work to do, it is necessary for me to remain in the body. This was made clear yesterday when our final day of Spiritual Emphasis Week, a simple invitation "Some of you have needed to make decisions, and haven't. This is your time," drove a ton of kids out of their seats and to any available adult to be prayed for. I was surrounded by middle schoolers, two of which gave their lives to Jesus. 

I was in awe that God would use me, but then His gentle reminder came. " I still have work for you to do," stayed the homesickness for a little while.