So many people stare at me in disbelief when I tell them that my husband and I only dated for five and half weeks before we got engaged. Recently, a teenage girl asked me how I knew so quickly he is "the one." I started telling her my story and out of it came four milestones Dave and I were able to climb in a very short time. It hit me that these four milestones are necessary for any dating relationship to progress to the point of a good and healthy engagement/ marriage. Now, I do not readily recommend jumping over all four in five weeks; I would say this process usually takes at least a year. For us, God was the One to accelerate our timing, which is why it worked.
So the milestones:
1. You have to realize that you meet each other's lists. For my single friends, I encourage you to think through the things you really want in a partner. Prioritize them. Pray about them.
My list consisted of:
a. A passion for Jesus, one where I wouldn't have to awkwardly ask: "so where are you at in your relationship with God?" because it was self-evident in how he talked and behaved
b. Love for children, since I know that my primary ministry will always involve children
c. A good name and reputation
d. A beard
e. An openness to the movement of the Holy Spirit even if that means picking up and moving to Africa on a week's notice
Dave met all of these, and I was able to notice that soon after we met. I was hooked.
A friend of mine was talking to a group of high schooler girls about boys. She said there must be an attraction in body, soul, and spirit. The body part is obvious. The spirit is a spiritual connectivity. You both must speak the same spiritual language. The soul is the personality side of life. Both people must have commonalities in activities, in humor, in fun, in energy, in adventure. If all three connections aren't there, there will be struggle and second guessing. I had all three and knew it early on.
2. Get approval from people who you respect. It was so cool for us. See, we met online, which can be a scary unknown. However, shortly after we made it Facebook official we were dating, we had people coming out of the woodwork, mutual acquaintances that were speaking of both of our character. I would like to name just a few so you get the idea: his pastor I used to work with, my landlord went to college with him, his boss was a good friend of my dad's, some friends of mine from high school went to his church. It was amazing that every single one of these mutual acquaintances spoke of what an amazing man he is and how good we would be for each other. This was continued when he met my family. Approval all around. Same when I met his family. I do recognize that I am blessed to have a wonderfully friendly and accepting family. Some people might not have that privilege. But there should be people you respect who are giving green lights and speaking of your individual worth and the rightness of the couple. In fact, it is Biblical. In Song of Solomon, a love song between a man and woman in love, the friends look on them and say, "We rejoice and delight in you; we will praise your love more than wine."
3. Openness about the past. We all have things hidden in closets and dark corners of our lives that we want to keep hidden. A healthy relationship demands that those things hidden be brought to the surface. In order for a relationship to move from casual dating to serious relationship, closet doors have to be opened. That means you have to talk about past sins, past relationships, past hurts, past decisions, past heart breaks. If those things remain in the dark, they become destructive when there is so much more on the line. Scarily, they become relational crossroads. It is possible that they will become the stone that shatters a fragile relationship. But they also could be huge bridges of grace. They could be moments where Jesus asks you to take on his heart, love this person, despite their past and what that can mean for your future. Dave was courageous to initiate these talks. He bared his soul. I don't know how he trusted me enough to do it after only dating me for a few weeks, but he did. He shared; I shared. We both chose to continue on the road, to forgive, and to choose love.
4. Commitment. This last stage can take a long time for many couples. Both people in the relationship have to come to a place where they decide they are all in. Dave made this really easy for me as after only a week of knowing each other he put his cards on the table. He said he didn't want to play any games. He wanted to see if this would lead to marriage, and if we felt like that was not the direction, we would end it right away. It made it so that when the question came to my mind, "Could I spend the rest of my life with him?" I could easily answer that I did.
In God's wonderful plan for me, he allowed Dave and I to hurdle over these milestones with great ease and little time. I know for many that is not the case. I do strongly believe though that if these four are not crossed in a relationship, there will be struggle, disappoint, and a constant questioning if your are doing the right thing or if this is the right person. Everyone must find the person in a relationship with to meet the list, be approved of by respected people, be open about the past, and at some point choose to commit to the other person.
No comments:
Post a Comment