Lesson on Contentment

I don't wait well. I can be very impatient. 

When it is summer, I can't wait for the routine of the school year. When I am in school, I can't wait till I can sleep in everyday, clean my house (really clean it), read for fun, stay in my pajamas till noon that comes with the summer. 

When I was single, I longed and ached and cried for the days when I would belong to someone. Now, that I am married, I long and ache for children. 

God's timing is not my own, and so I am often told to wait. 
Mission field: wait. 
Perfectly tailored career: wait. 
Perfectly tailored husband: wait. 
Perfectly tailored family: wait. 

I don't like waiting. Now, I do have to say that all the blessings the Lord has bestowed on me have been so worth the wait. I have not always waited well. And now, standing on the edge of a new season, but having to wait to cross into it, I am tempted to not wait well now either. 

The other day, God spoke to my heart. "Godliness with contentment is great gain." I also hear Paul's challenge in his example: "I have learned to be contentwhatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."

and then come the how 

1. I can do all this through him who gives me strength. This is not a tag line thrown out before a football game, or a prayer sent up as you shoot the winning basket. This is the secret to contentment. I can be content because through Jesus I can do it. Through Jesus I can wait in godliness not impatience. Through Jesus I can be thankful for my current lot. Through Jesus I do not pine for what I do not have. 
2. Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again rejoice. 
3. Let my gentleness be evident to all. 
4. I cannot be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, I can present my requests to God. 

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard my heart and your mind in Christ Jesus.

This is how I can wait in contentment: I can rejoice, give thanks, be gentle to those around me, and take my anxiety to Jesus who will give me peace and who will give me the strength to do it. 

Practical Redemption

God redeems. I know this to be true. I have lived his redemptive work. I often think of redemption in connection with the day I made a decision for Him. He forgave me of my sins. He rescued me from the dominion of darkness. He brought me into the kingdom of the Son he loves. I was fourteen when he invited me to take off my good girl mask and truly walk with him. That was the day he redeemed me. 

I also think of redemption in the huge ways that God has taken the big parts of my heart that were really broken and healed them. I think of the hard core, intense work he did for me in college. He revealed all the broken, messed up reactions and coping mechanisms I had built up because the dark things I experienced as a child. The years in college were my redemption years. God truly healed me and made me whole. 

I also think how he redeemed my single adult loneliness, by giving me, in his perfect timing, the perfect mate for me. He tailor-made him for me. He brought us together in such a way that I cannot deny God's existence and personal involvement in my life. 

The other day, I was caused to think about redemption in a new way. It was not in the big life events. God does redeem us from sin and hell, from painful pasts, from oppressing loneliness. But He also redeems so much more. His redemption, if we are looking, can be seen in the smaller things too. 

This hit my heart as we were sitting across from the table from one of the leaders at our church, sharing a meal. Six months ago, church life was hard for us. My husband was having trouble with a leader in our church. He was feeling undervalued and unheard. This caused resentment to build up, and everything became a source of tension and contention. At the same time, I was feeling so alone. In so many ways God had stayed my hand from getting involved in things at the church. My first year of marriage was not to be one of intense ministry, yet that is what I knew, my MO. Many Sundays, for both of us, were spent venting and grieving as frustrations grew in him and loneliness grew in me.  

Now, six months later, we're sharing a pizza and our hearts with that same church leader. I hear him speak words of life into our current life stage and situation. I hear him speak words of respect about my husband. I hear him asking for my opinion and involvement in this church that was such a lonely place for me previously. We get in the car. Dave and I look at each other with big smiles on our faces. We leave that dinner feeling encouraged, loved, and pushed toward Jesus by a man who six months earlier was a primary reason we were contemplating "church shopping." 

As I pondered this change, God spoke to my heart: "This is redemption." 

What is right is so hard

Two months ago, Dave and I found out about some international students that needed host families. I mentioned it to him expecting him to say it is not the right timing. I was surprised to hear that Dave was on board. By the end of the conversation, we were talking about furniture we would have to purchase and changes we would have to make to our spare room. It then all happened very quickly. We talked to the coordinator for the company the next day. We were approved the following Monday. Our Chinese son came three weeks later.

Xindong (Johnny) came in being taller than we expected a Chinese teenager to be. He is 16, funny, social. The first week was amazing. We found ourselves thinking how grateful we were to have this particular kid as the transition seemed to go so smoothly.

Then, small irritations began growing. He wanted to do laundry every day. He wouldn't interact with me in the car. He was constantly talking on his phone in Chinese. I prayed for patience as I have had enough cross-cultural experience to be able to label this as culture shock.

Then, the small irritations grew into big problems. He fell asleep in church. It seemed like he wasn't even trying to stay awake. The next day, we got emails from multiple teachers about his being tardy to class and then falling asleep. They also included concerns about how broken his English is, how little work ethic he has, and how behind he is the other students.

We met with the coordinator. She was so encouraging. She told us we had the freedom to parent this child as if he was our own. So my wonderful husband created a document laying down the law. The basics: the cell phone was only allowed to be used for one hour a day; it would be with us the rest of the time, ten o'clock bedtime, homework out in the dining room, no basketball till his grades improve. We started the meeting with the no cell phone and immediately his whole demeanor showed that he understood and was probably not able to hear any of the rest of the conversation.

We finished talking and I asked him to put his phone on the table. He said no. It suddenly was no longer a conversation, but a battle of the wills. He argued the unfairness of it. He argued that it was his possession. He argued that the other students have worse grades and get to keep their phone. He wanted to call his parents, his aunt, the organization. With each argument I firmly told him to put the phone on the table. Forty five minutes I sat shaking, adamant. Forty five minutes my husband reasoned that this is best. Forty five minutes Johnny argued and said no. Finally, with tears in his eyes, he put the phone on the table.

He went to his room. I cried.

We shortly after met with our pastor. He shared that in parenting consistency is what is primarily important. He then shared something I have never fully understood until now:

Law is given so that grace can be shown. That was always the intent of the law. God gave the Israelites the law as an avenue to show grace. The grace of Jesus is more glorious on the backdrop of firm, rigid, consistent implementation of the law. So in parenting, you have to lay down the law. You have to have rules and boundaries. You have to consistently enforce them. But then you show grace, intentionally display Gospel-grace. It is so vivid and powerful when you see grace in light of consistent law.

The opportunity to show grace came yesterday, for our boy. The coordinator met with him. She came in rigid, but within a few minutes of talking with him, she realized this boy is suffering from severe homesickness. He misses primarily his mother. She called me and shared the sadness he is feeling. He actually cried on her shoulder as he received her motherly embrace. She told me: he misses his mom, so you are going to be so important in him getting over this homesickness. Be his American mom.

My heart broke for him. I picked him up yesterday. Tears welled up in his eyes again. I told him it was alright to be sad, and alright to cry. So he cried and I cried. I put my hand on his knee and we cried all the way home.

Last summer I received a word that I would be a mother, a mother to many, a mother to children not from my womb, a mother to children from all over the world, a mother who would raise my children in righteousness and godliness. Yesterday, I brokenly got to live that word out with my tall, social, homesick, Chinese son.

Spirit World

Paul said that our battle is against the rulers, authorities, powers of this dark world and spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Wouldn't it be amazing if God would suddenly open our eyes to the unseen world? Amazing, yet I don't think we could handle it. It seems cool on this side of the seen, but I think we might cower if we saw it on that side.

Every once in a while, though. God rips just a little tear in the other dimension. Our eyes "play tricks" on us and we see the invisible. We see it in lights and shadows; in contorted expressions and radiant faces of peace; we see it in tormented anxiety and deep breaths. If we pay attention we are invited to "see" the unseen.

We are also invited to take up our shields and swords and fight along side our Creator. Sometimes He sees our helpless estate and He swoops in and fights the battle around us, for us. But other times, He hears us say words like, "You are able to do more than we ask or imagine, please do more now." and He rises up and says, "You missed a huge part. See I can do amazing things, more than you ask or imagine, but it is through you, through the power at work in you.

Gift of Confrontation

Recently, I have been complimented often as having the gift of confrontation. The High School version of myself shakes my head in incredulity. I mean really, I once broke out in hives because I had to tell someone to show up to meetings on time. I wept as I confronted a classmate on his crude joking, and almost threw up several times at having to tell someone when my feelings had been hurt.

So what has changed I wonder? I have realized lately, that life seems to be a game of constantly learning about myself. Here are some conclusions I have come to. I am direct. In high school, I was a shadow of who God wanted me to be, as the hurt I had gone through was left to increase and morph undisturbed in the caverns of my heart. Now, as God has taken me through severe healing, "I am becoming what I once was, a girl in the mirror of God's love." As I look in His mirror, I see myself as He sees me, or am beginning to at least. So I see that I am indeed direct, but I am also connecting dots as to how it works, which I will now share.

First, I have a strong wrong/right meter. If something taps onto the wrong side of that meter especially when I have any position of authority, I feel compelled almost obsessively to make it right. So at school, I confront things like disobedience and immodesty immediately. Confronting often though has to happen when I have been injured in some way, and it is very different. First, because I am a thinker vs. a feeler, it takes a lot for me to be hurt. When I am, I don't know what to do with the emotions that supersede my strong thinker mentality. So I clam up to digest them. Outwardly, I spend time alone, tersely responding to questions and initiating none, especially with the offending party. Inwardly though, my mind is in a race. I mull over the entire situation over and over again. I think of every way I have been wronged. I think of every way I have been in the wrong. I stir and stir and stir. It is all to get the feeling back into the thinking. Once it makes the jump back over I have a decision... to confront or not. Confrontation then must happen or I will like Mr. Darcy sever all contact. It is 

The Faith of...

Some friends of mine recently found out the worst news anyone could ever get: Doug, a forty-five year old, non-smoker, has stage four lung cancer.

Now, Doug and Michelle are a godly couple who have given their lives to loving and serving God and people. I have been an observer and witness to them struggle through this tragic news. A few days ago they stood before the whole Christian school where they serve and shared with the students from 6-12th grade and the teachers their journey and their belief statements that have followed this news. I would like to share with you what they said. I am going to share it in first person but know that it is their voice not mine.

1. I am thankful for every breath God gives me. Everyday is a gift.
2. Several years ago, I gave an assignment asking students what they would do if they found out they didn't have much longer to live. I gave that assignment not knowing that would soon be told to me. I am doing exactly what I would have said. Everyday that God gives me I am telling you guys about Jesus and showing you how to live for him. That is what I will do till God calls me home. 
3. How bad is it? We are not taking stock in what the doctors say. They are saying that it is serious. But we know that our life is in God's hands. He is the one who determines the number of our days. Cancer will not steal a single day and minute of Doug's life. Cancer has no power. Doug's life will be over when God says His purposes for Doug are finished. Nothing can steal life. God is the one in control.
4. How are you doing? We are full of peace, joy, and thanksgiving. We know that God will use this for his glory. We believe God has a purpose for this and we are grateful that He has counted us worthy to share in his purposes. 
5. God prepared us for this. Several months ago, God gave us a passage that has come up over and over again. In Daniel 3, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were told to bow down to a statute of Nebuchadnezzar. When they wouldn't, Nebuchadnezzar said if they didn't they would be thrown into a fiery furnace. Their response was, "King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up." We, like them, state that we know God is able to deliver us, and will deliver us, but even if he doesn't we will not serve other gods. We believe that the same thing that happened because of their faith will happen because of ours. Nebuchadnezzar made the fire four times hotter and threw them in bound. Nebuchadnezzar, then, saw four men walking around, unbound, and the fourth looks like the Son of God. He decreed praise to the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. God has brought cancer into our lives. We believe he can and will deliver us. If he does, or if he doesn't and this ends in death, we know that the Son of God, Jesus Christ, will be praised and many will worship the one true God. 
6. We are worshipping God through this at every step. We are choosing to worship. We are battling with worship. We have been confronted with another passage where the enemy was coming against Judah. God sent a word to the king of Judah to send the worshippers out first. Not the archers, not the swordsmen, not the calvary... the worshippers. Because they obeyed and worshipped, God delivered them from the enemy. So we are worshipping first. 
7. I also have to say that this did not come at first. When I first heard, I wept. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I laid in bed, and I doubted if God even existed. I wondered if I had been deluding myself all this time into believing all of this stuff. But I woke up. I chose to show up, to read my Bible, to cry out to God, to lean on him. I didn't feel him for days. But I continued to choose to cry out to him. It had to be a choice. I commanded my spirit to worship. If I had leaned on my feelings, I would have walked away from him. For days I didn't feel him. But then one day, after once again choosing to worship him and thank him, he clearly showed up and I was filled with his presence. I need to tell you, when things are rough you need to volitionally choose to lean on him and trust in him. Do not lean on feelings because they will lead you astray. 
8. Lastly, I need to share with you that God has been faithful to give us really beautiful moments through all of this. The night I found out that it was stage four is a prime example. My sister-in-law, who is a radiologist, called after she saw all the images. I knew as soon as I heard her voice that it was bad. I told my daughter to take the little ones to Chick-Fil-A. I cried and cried. When Doug came home after work, we sat on our porch where we had sat together a million times before. When I told him it was stage four, he answered in true Doug fashion, "Well, that is disappointing." We then sat there watching the sunset over the lake in our backyard. It was one of the most beautiful, peaceful sunsets. The two of us just sat there and together sang "Blessed be your name." It was something I thought I would never have to tell my husband, but God turned it into one of the most beautiful moments of our marriage. 
9. God is good. He has a plan. We will walk with him no matter what that plan entails. 

I sat there listening, with tears streaming down my face. I diligently pray several things. I pray that God will continue to decrease the cancer in his body till it is gone completely. I pray that God will give this amazing couple numerous conversations with doctors and nurses about the grace of God. I pray many will come to know Jesus through this journey. I pray that God will strike a revival in Norfolk Christian School and that he will use the Sandwell's faith to bring it about. I pray that Michelle's brothers will turn back to the Lord as they watch their sister faithfully suffer for the name of Christ. I pray that God will continue to lavish them with encouragement and supernatural joy. I pray he will rid them of all fear and doubt. 

I also pray that when trials come, God would give me a double portion of the faith of Doug and Michelle Sandwell. I pray that my spirit will learn from their example how to bring glory to the name of Jesus despite bad news, sickness, and the face of death. 

By Faith...

I am digesting a sermon I heard this morning.

Hebrews 11

This passage is all about men and women who did extraordinary things though they were ordinary, real, sinful people. Each one of them accomplished something that changed the world, yet each one of them was human and fallen.

Take Noah as an example. By faith he considered himself an ark builder. God told him to build an ark; God said he was an ark builder. Because Noah believed what God said about him, he did what God told him to do.

So often there are curses and sins in our lives that have passed down from one generation to another. The idols of our fathers become our idols. The voice of these idols deafens our ears to hear who God says that we are. So we dumb down God's image inside us. We dumb down his guidance. We dumb down his equipping of us. We believe and live out things contrary to what God says about us.

Faith though means we believe and count as true what God says about us. This belief gives us power to live out what God tells us to do, and it lessens the power of the loud voices that speak contrary to that divine self-view.

I have struggled, truly struggled all my life with overeating. This is a struggle that was present in my parents, my grandparents, my great grandparents. The voice of this struggle has lead me to believe things about myself and behave in ways according to those beliefs. This struggle has affected how I eat, think, dream, dress, carry myself, act in groups, and act alone. In so many ways, this struggle has altered and predicted my whole life. I have believed about myself that I am an addict who is controlled by my addiction.

The pastor ended the sermon this morning that there is something God is calling us. He is naming me. He is speaking my worth. If God is pleased by faith, then it will be in my believing this thing that he is calling me and living that out that I will feel and enjoy his pleasure. I always thought God was displeased that I overeat. Today, I realized that God is displeased because I have believed something about myself that is contrary to what he has named me, and therefore I overeat. He is displeased at my lack of faith.

So then I am faced with the question: What is it about myself that God wants me to believe? What is he calling me? What belief statement does he want my actions to stem from?

This summer these questions were posed to me at Ruby's House of Prayer in Nicaragua. When I first received the word I was excited but fearful. As the summer progressed, I doubted these names God gave me as I am not sure how to live them out in my normal context. Today, God brought those things to mind. It is time to start believing them.

God has called me:

1. A prophetess: God has called me a woman who speaks his word, who brings healing to the sick and broken, who proclaims what is, what was and what will be with the authority of Jesus Christ. This calling means that He will give me power to speak without fear, to stand in the gap for others without fear. He will strengthen me where men will not go. He will speak through me in ways that it cannot be denied that it is from him.  
2. A mother: God will give me children. He will give me many children. He will give me children that are not of my womb. He will strengthen me to mother them, teaching them, training them, and growing them into spiritual giants who are in love with the Creator of the universe. 
3. A prayer warrior: God will strengthen me to pray intimately, fervently, intensely, powerfully. God has promised that the prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. God will give me many powerful and effective prayers. Through prayer I will cry God's tears and feel his heart. I will be allowed to lay hands on people and pray for them and see them be healed. 

I say these things not to be arrogant, but in faith. God has called me these things. I do not call myself these things, I simply believe and declare that he has called me these things. I also want to say that like the men in Hebrews 11, I might not see these things come to be. My faith will not falter. I will continue to believe these things. No longer will I hide behind my weight and my baggy clothes. No longer will I excuse not living in these things because I am an addict. I choose to believe them. I choose to live them out.