Two months ago, Dave and I found out about some international students that needed host families. I mentioned it to him expecting him to say it is not the right timing. I was surprised to hear that Dave was on board. By the end of the conversation, we were talking about furniture we would have to purchase and changes we would have to make to our spare room. It then all happened very quickly. We talked to the coordinator for the company the next day. We were approved the following Monday. Our Chinese son came three weeks later.
Xindong (Johnny) came in being taller than we expected a Chinese teenager to be. He is 16, funny, social. The first week was amazing. We found ourselves thinking how grateful we were to have this particular kid as the transition seemed to go so smoothly.
Then, small irritations began growing. He wanted to do laundry every day. He wouldn't interact with me in the car. He was constantly talking on his phone in Chinese. I prayed for patience as I have had enough cross-cultural experience to be able to label this as culture shock.
Then, the small irritations grew into big problems. He fell asleep in church. It seemed like he wasn't even trying to stay awake. The next day, we got emails from multiple teachers about his being tardy to class and then falling asleep. They also included concerns about how broken his English is, how little work ethic he has, and how behind he is the other students.
We met with the coordinator. She was so encouraging. She told us we had the freedom to parent this child as if he was our own. So my wonderful husband created a document laying down the law. The basics: the cell phone was only allowed to be used for one hour a day; it would be with us the rest of the time, ten o'clock bedtime, homework out in the dining room, no basketball till his grades improve. We started the meeting with the no cell phone and immediately his whole demeanor showed that he understood and was probably not able to hear any of the rest of the conversation.
We finished talking and I asked him to put his phone on the table. He said no. It suddenly was no longer a conversation, but a battle of the wills. He argued the unfairness of it. He argued that it was his possession. He argued that the other students have worse grades and get to keep their phone. He wanted to call his parents, his aunt, the organization. With each argument I firmly told him to put the phone on the table. Forty five minutes I sat shaking, adamant. Forty five minutes my husband reasoned that this is best. Forty five minutes Johnny argued and said no. Finally, with tears in his eyes, he put the phone on the table.
He went to his room. I cried.
We shortly after met with our pastor. He shared that in parenting consistency is what is primarily important. He then shared something I have never fully understood until now:
Law is given so that grace can be shown. That was always the intent of the law. God gave the Israelites the law as an avenue to show grace. The grace of Jesus is more glorious on the backdrop of firm, rigid, consistent implementation of the law. So in parenting, you have to lay down the law. You have to have rules and boundaries. You have to consistently enforce them. But then you show grace, intentionally display Gospel-grace. It is so vivid and powerful when you see grace in light of consistent law.
The opportunity to show grace came yesterday, for our boy. The coordinator met with him. She came in rigid, but within a few minutes of talking with him, she realized this boy is suffering from severe homesickness. He misses primarily his mother. She called me and shared the sadness he is feeling. He actually cried on her shoulder as he received her motherly embrace. She told me: he misses his mom, so you are going to be so important in him getting over this homesickness. Be his American mom.
My heart broke for him. I picked him up yesterday. Tears welled up in his eyes again. I told him it was alright to be sad, and alright to cry. So he cried and I cried. I put my hand on his knee and we cried all the way home.
Last summer I received a word that I would be a mother, a mother to many, a mother to children not from my womb, a mother to children from all over the world, a mother who would raise my children in righteousness and godliness. Yesterday, I brokenly got to live that word out with my tall, social, homesick, Chinese son.
No comments:
Post a Comment