The Fig Tree

The fig tree, the withered fig tree, has me puzzled. I asked about it on facebook. One of my college professors, Mark Wenger, responded as I had a feeling he would.
What he said:
1. Fig trees leaf in season, not before it. Like the magnolia doesn't tell us that summer is coming. It tells us that summer is indeed here.
2. The context of the story is that at the temple, Jesus was rejected by the religious leaders and accepted by the poor.
3. Unripe figs were for the poor to partake of. In fact Bethpage means "house of unripe figs."
4. The next context is that the disciples afterward ask for signs of the end of the age. They asked when the end would come.

Put it all together:
The fig tree is telling us that it is the end of the age. It is not coming but is here. The tree is symbolic of lack of fruit for the needy. Our job then is to produce fruit for the poor or be cursed.

As I pondered this, I still could not reconcile this explanation with Jesus' application in Mark 11. He says if we have even a small amount of faith, we can tell the mountain to be thrown into the sea and it will be. He then says that we should forgive our brother so that God will forgive us. God spoke to me through this meditation process. Could it be that faith and forgiveness aren't as much the fruit we should produce, but the soil in which fruit grows. They are the precursors to fruit.

Christians are like leafy fig trees. Where there is leaf there should be fruit, even if it is unripened. Lack of faith and unforgiveness will hinder that fruit from growing. Like the religious leaders in Jesus' time. They couldn't believe that Jesus was who He said He was, and they couldn't forgive the attention He stole from them. They were like fig trees with no figs. Many Christians today also have no fruit, not even unripened fruit, because of their lack of faith and lack of forgiveness. Lord please help me believe and help me forgive.

The Speech Every Boy Needs to Hear about Being a Man

"Sometimes the things that may or may not be true are the things that a man needs to believe in the most.
That people are basically good. That honor, courage, and virtue mean everything. That power and money, money and power mean nothing. That good always triumphs over evil. I want you to remember this, that love, true love never dies. You remember that boy...It doesn't matter if it is true or not. You see a man should believe in those things because those are the things worth believing in." That's just a piece of the speech, just a piece.

Second Hand Lions is one of my favorite movies. It weaves a fantastic story. But this little speech, hit home today. These things are worth believing. I have to add the spiritual element in there, too though. God is good. He is not safe, but He is good. He has a plan for me. His plan is good. Honor, courage, and virtue mean everything because those are the characteristics of my good and unsafe God. His love will never die. Those things are worth believing.

Today, my heart needs to believe in this God who is bigger than I am. Today this is worth believing in.

Into the Sky

Hey Jesus, are you still on the cross
or are you feeling better?

Hey Jesus, will you come play with me?
Im ready and willing.

Won't you come...
down, down, down, down to the ground.
To the next to me place
with a smile on my face
and a song in my ear

Around
and around
and around
and around
and around we go

Hey Jesus, when I wave at you
do you wave back too?
Hey Jesus, when I'm feeling sad
do you feel sad too?

Won't you come 
down, down, down, down to the ground.
To the next to me place
with a smile on my face
and a song in my ear


Hey Jesus, if we throw these books
do you think they will fly?
Hey Jesus, can I touch the moon
throw me into the sky

And then I'll come....

down, down, down, down to the ground.
To the next to me place
with a smile on my face
and a song in my ear

Into the sea
Into the sea
Around and around
Around and around
Around we go...

Around
and around
and around
and around
and around we go


-Jason Upton
Beautiful People

Everything You Do

Everything You do I want to do with You
'Cause doing things with You it makes me happy
Everything You say I want to say it too
'Cause even when I say it wrong we just start laughing 
Merciful Father learning to trust You love me the way that I am
My simple desire to help You means more to You than whether I really can

-Jason Upton

Beautiful People 

Something amazing just happened!

I came to a coffee shop this afternoon. I ordered a hot chocolate, which came loaded with whip cream and chocolate syrup drizzled on top. This is something that in a former life I loved, and would down. I say a former life because for the last two months I have had hardly no sugar. While this sounds like a diet fad, it has been so much more than that for me. See, food has been something I have hidden behind. It has been a source of sin, a source of idolatry. Recently God invited me to come out of hiding. I feel for the last several years and then ramped up in the last two months, God has been peeling me like an onion. He has not sliced me open, but more pulled back layer at a time of things that don't jive with who he is. He has stripped me, layer by layer of my hiding spots: having to have everything all together, my wardrobe, my need to be needed, and now food (particularly sugar). At each layer, he has paused before hand and given me a choice, "Are you ready for me to pull this one back?" While I have hesitated at the oncoming pain, I have given him permission at each turn.

Now, I can confidently say that I am on the verge of the greatest intimacy I have ever had with the Lord and I believe it is coming because these layers are being removed. Today, I ordered my hot chocolate, a symbol of the slavery I once lived in. Tears came to my eyes as I drank half the cup of hot chocolate and was done. I didn't want any more. I enjoyed the little bit I had, but then put it aside and am done. The full cup of hot chocolate was a symbol of my enslavement. The half empty cup of hot chocolate is a symbol of my freedom. I can't even express the contentment and joy that is welling up inside me. I am a loved child of God. Oh how good he is that he can bring good news for the poor, healing for the brokenhearted, freedom for captives, open prison gates for the bound, comfort for those who mourn, beauty for ashes, oil of joy for mourning, garments of praise for the spirit of heaviness. He has called me an oak of righteousness, a planting of the Lord, for the display of His glory.

I don't deserve a love like this, but I receive it. Today I rejoice over my half drunk cup of hot chocolate!

A picture of Grace

I'm watching The Mission. This movie has the best picture of grace I have ever seen. Rodrigo Mendoza is a Spanish mercenary, slave trader and murder in South America. He killed native indians and sold hundreds into slavery. One day in a rage he killed his own brother.

A priest asks him if he has the courage work out his penance. He chooses as his method of suffering toward repentance to carry his own armor tied behind him, up the mountain amid steep waterfalls. For miles, he trudges falling beneath his load. Finally, he and a group of priests make up the waterfall where he is faced with the violent tribe of indians from whom he stole, enslaved and killed.

A young indian man runs up to him with his weapon drawn and anger in his face. With his knife at Rodrigo's throat, the man suddenly changes. He moves his knife away from the vulnerable spot between life and death. He moves his knife to the rope tying this man to his slavery, to his armor. He cuts the rope and sends the armor sailing into the river. Rodrigo weeps as the community comes around him and embraces him.

The ones who had suffered the most at the hands of this man, were the ones who offered life, hope, grace, when they could have given death. GRACE! this is truly a picture of grace.

My Conversation with Jesus in Church

This Sunday, as I sat in church, God came down and talked to me. It took the form of a journal entry. He spoke to me through my own handwriting. He perpetuated the theme of this season: Time to come out of hiding. Layer by layer, God has been stripping me of my coping mechanism, my hiding places, my misbehaviors, my sin... basically everything that comes between me and Him. I am so grateful for this difficult process. Thankfully He hasn't stripped them, but He has faithfully peeled back layer at a time.

This one, on Sunday, came after a few days of doing things intentionally my way. See there is a time when our coping mechanism and hiding places become disobedience, and disobedience lived in too long is rebellion. I think God has some things to say about rebellion in the Old Testament; in short, it is a big deal. The conversation this Sunday was really sweet. I saw my labelled hiding spot as a giant heavy and nasty cloak I have slung over my shoulders. It represents the lies I am believing, the negative emotions that follow the lies, and the unhealthy patterns that follow the emotions. All of these are weighty, oppressive, and quite frankly really nasty. I saw and felt this cloak. Suddenly Isaiah 61 came to mind. He has come to give me good news. To trade that nasty, heavy cloak for the garments of praise, the oil of gladness, the light of His presence. He wants to give me a new cloak, one that has been dipped in the blood of His Son.

Here is what it takes: I have to take off the old cloak, lay it at His feet, and accept this new garment. To know this truth is enlivening. Then comes the obedience of wearing His clothes. So He dispells the lies, he comforts the negative emotions, and asks me to obey in changing the unhealthy patterns. I know He will not leave me a lone, but I also know the expression of faith is obedience. If I'm gonna wear His clothes, I can't go rolling around in the mud again.

blogging

I have been thinking about this amazing online phenomenon. Through Facebook, twitter, and blogs we get to paint a picture of ourselves. The amazing thing about that is how much control we have. We can paint the picture however we like. We can say whatever we want about ourselves for the recipients to believe. Face to face interaction is a lot more risky because we can't hide so easily. The outside world will more readily see when our talk and our reality don't match up. Online, what I say is real cannot be so easily refuted, and so I can portray myself to be whoever I want.

So here I am blogging. I truly use this as a way to process my thoughts, emotions, and happenings of a day. But now the question runs through my mind, "Am I being genuine in how I portray myself?" I have been quite honest in many of my blogs... but there is admittedly some concealment. Concealment isn't necessarily bad, somethings are too personal or could be harmful to share on the world wide web. But am I being true to myself in the portrayal I'm giving off?

I don't know the answer, but am mulling over the question.  

Purpose of the Church

I was recently talking to my brother about a huge transition his church is going through. They recently acquired a large and needing-a-lot-of-work church building. In deciding what to do with this building they brought in a consultant. This man pointed out that the building was further down the list than they all thought; there are other things more important that need to be fixed.

See, the church full of well-meaning, good Christians had lost its focus on what the church is supposed to do. This consultant laid out that the church exists to see people 1. come to Christ and 2. grow in Christ. This particular church, in the last few years had seen few people begin a relationship with Jesus, and few people in any form of discipleship group.

This church took up the challenge. Immediately they started evangelism and discipleship classes. My brother has shared that it has been a hard transition, for it is really hard to hear that you've dropped the ball. Amid the difficulty of this transition, this church has decided to fight.

As I listened to this story, I was deeply convicted. Not only is it the church's job to evangelize and disciple, it is also the responsibility of individual Christians. It is my purpose too. How many people have I shared the Gospel with in the last year? How many have I prayed for that they would receive Jesus? How many young believers have I mentored and discipled?

These questions hurt. I want to justify myself saying I work for a Christian school. I teach Bible, that's discipleship right? But if I really look at, I find the conviction lingers. Evangelism and discipleship involve intentional life on life relationships. I can't say I have that with my students. So I stand at a small crossroads. What will I do with this conviction?

Pressure Cooker

Recently I have felt like I am inside a very hot pressure cooker. The pressure is streaming out in a loud, high pitched sound. Many things have been thrown in: convention speaking, sub plans, grading, changing schedules, burn out beginning, trainings, death of a loved one, lessons, deadlines.... pressures.

Today I awoke overwhelmed with the pressure feeling like I would explode out the miniature spout that is shouting for attention. I cried out to Him who knows and understands the pressure that I am under. He responded. See, a pressure cooker will explode if left unattended. But if the chef comes when the screech begins, and lifts the lid. The pressure that had been mounting is instantly relieved, and an amazing soup is produced. So today, my Great Chef, lifted the lid. I feel like he lifted it enough to add a few more ingredients and will soon put the lid back on. But I know He is producing in me perseverance, character and hope. I know the end result will be beautiful. And I know that when I feel like I am screeching and about to explode from the pressure, He will lift the lid and give me instant relief.

PS it is funny how the pressure and the relief both cause tears, just a different heart behind them.

My first attempt at poetry

The Walls Around My Heart

A little girl played and laughed

oblivious

unaware 

that inside her 

a heart beat with life and joy.

But then 

a sting

a stab

made her take notice.

A thin pink gossamer

she pinned to her heart.

She liked how it waved and flowed. 

But then

a strike 

a stroke

made her retreat and hide. 

A clear, tall sheet of glass would do the trick.

Her heart still seen.

But then

a shock 

a shot

made her enclose, self-protect.

Brick and mortar would do the trick.

The protection made her secure. 

But then

a slander 

a sorrow

a searing pain

a surrounding despair

a send off

a slight

a suffering so deep

An iron gate would seal it off

cut it at the knees. 

NEVER AGAIN

But then

darkness overwhelms

silence suffocates

pain endures.

I hid. 

I ran. 

The walls around my heart so firmly in place. 

The little girl was lost

unobserved

unbeloved.

The gossamer

The glass

The brick and mortar 

The iron gate 

But then He bids me come.

"Will you open your gate?"

His kindness bids me come.

I turn the key and once again

a slander 

a sorrow

a surrounding despair

I can't see.

I can't breathe.

Yet I turn the key.

His light bids me come. 

The gate swung open and once again I stand. 

But then He bids me come.

"Will you pull down your bricks? 

I want to see inside."

"Why?" I ask.

"There's nothing to behold."

I take a brick and once again

a send off

a slight

a suffering so deep

I can't do it.

I cling to the brick.

If it comes down, 

I'll fall down too.

But His brightness bids me come.

The wall falls down and so do I.

Now I'm on my knees. 

No further can I go

No one may enter in.

All I know is hiding and retreat.

But then He bids me come. 

"Inside I see a heart, 

a heart that once belonged. 

I want a closer look

But this glass is so strong.

Will you melt it down?"

He bids me as He comes. 

The fear I thought I knew, threatens to overtake.

What if I'm undone?

But His glory bids me come.

I set fire to the glass

As my tears fall, 

so does my wall. 

I feel vulnerable and exposed

unraveled and betrayed.

Once again

a shock 

a strike

a shot
a stroke

The wind blows as I weep.

The pink gossamer takes flight

a laugh

a giggle

as it dances in the light.

His love bids me come.

He doesn't even ask. 

I see it in His eyes. 

He wants me to unpin,

that which now brings delight.

I turned the key

I held the brick 

I set light to the glass

How much more could He want?

I knew before I asked, He wants my very heart. 

My hand trembles as I walk

to the thread I hold so dear.

Worry fills my eyes

But then He bids me come. 

So hidden had it been

But now as I unpinned

I saw beneath the sheet

a piece of all of me. 

I was shocked to see a name, 

a name not my own

written on my heart

It was not what I feared: 

Something ugly and unknown. 

Instead I saw

the sting, the stab, the strike, the stroke, the shock, the shot, 

the slander, sorrow, searing pain, 

the surrounding despair,

the send off, slight, and suffering so deep 

Had etched inside of me

The name that Bids me Come. 

And now my heart throbs and swells with joy

unhindered by my walls.

Unraveled

The other night I was crocheting. As I compared the panel I was currently working on to another I had already completed, I noticed a drastic change in size. I had done one way too tight and so there was half an inch difference in width and length. The individual panel looked great, but compared to the other it was greatly deficient. I pulled out hours of work and rolled it into a big ball, which is devastating.

My life feels like that right now. It feels like my life in the minuscule looks good, the stitches are lined up and put together. But... when compared to the grand scheme of life, of this Christian life, I am deficient. God has been unraveling me, to put me back together as a closer image of His Son. He's unraveling my short fuze at school. He's unraveling coping habits that have been engraved in my head since high school. He is unraveling the old self that still moves and lives inside me. He is currently putting all those into a big ball of yarn.

It is hard to be unraveled. There is a sense of loss. If I just look at the piece in front of me, I think that it looks good and there is no reason to take it apart. But in the big picture, God pulls apart so that He can restore, so that all the pieces will work together to make a beautiful whole. So this gives me hope. Lord God, please unravel all that does not conform with the image of your Son. I want to look like a beautiful replica of His character, and that can't happen if my good enough panels don't all match up. Thank you for making me more than good enough.

The Greatest Good

I have been thinking about my future plans a lot. I have been saying that whatever I do, I want to do the "greatest good." There is a very specific picture in my head of what this means. I read stories of missionaries who took in orphans and refugees, who clothed the naked and fed the hungry, all while preaching the Gospel. This is in my mind the greatest good. So I have wanted very desperately to make my future plans line up with this idea. How much good am I doing now? Could that good increase if I follow this course of action or that course of action?

God gently convicted me this morning as I read His word. "It is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this is not from yourselves, it is a gift of God- not by works so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:8-10. See in my desire to plan to do good, I was growing in a future pride. I want one day to hear good and faithful servant. This I think is good, but only when in its proper place. If I do good to get a crown at the end, I am missing the mark. God reminded me today that He prepares good works for me. He thus will reveal what these good works are in His timing. And what He considers the greatest good for me and through me, might look really different than my plans.

In the end: I am saved by grace. I do not earn salvation, nor do I earn grace. I am His workmanship. He has prepared good works for me.

Sunflowers

Recently I took a trip to Romania. It was an amazing trip, where I got to see God doing some cool things. What I love about God is that He works all around us, allowing us to see His great works and so glorify Him, but He also works in us. He sometimes speaks in the softest venues. He spoke to me through a field of sunflowers. I saw them on the train into Padureni, the small gypsy village that was my home for a week. In Romania, they harvest sunflowers for their seeds and oils. Therefore, there are many fields full of the beautiful flowers, acres and acres of them. I wanted a picture of one of these sunflower fields, but the trip came and went without a convenient moment to snap a picture. So I tried to make it happen. On the last day I was there, I walked through the village, with the intent of walking out of it, onto the main street, and so get my picture. I was alone and had a huge check in my spirit that this was not what I should be doing. So I disappointedly walked back for dinner.

It was then that I was told that I needed to get ready to go show the Jesus film in a neighboring village, we would leave in ten minutes. This was not on the original plan, but as it was the last night for many of us, it was agreed that this was the best use of our time. So we piled into the van. My new friends Emma and Michael were sitting on either side of me. We went by a different road we had not yet travelled. Well, road is being generous. It was more a dirt pathway that had been carved out by wagons and small cars, that had the deepest caverns of pot holes I had ever seen.

Suddenly, I looked up.

There all around us were sunflowers. The dirt path was carved right through the most extensive sunflower fields. I almost came out of my skin, and giggled with glee. Sunflower fields right out of our window. Emma asked if I wanted her to take some pictures since I was in the middle. Of course! Turns out Emma is quite a photographer, far better than I ever could be. She put her body on the window sill and took picture after picture. Due to the pot holes, the van was going at a fantastic picture-taking pace. I was overjoyed.

That is so like God: to answer a want in such overflowing measures that I am filled with joy and gratitude at His unmerited generosity. I didn't get one picture of far off sunflower fields, I got twelve of them right outside my window. So that trip I got to see God move all around me, but also so greatly in me.

Waiting

Recently, a good friend read me this verse: 
"But they soon forgot what He had done 
   and did not wait for His plan to unfold." Psalm 106:13

Waiting for His plan to unfold. How beautifully poetic. A plan unfolding. I confess I want to lay out my plans. Unfolding seems to signify time, often a great deal of time. I don't like to wait. I like to plan, and do everything in my power to make that plan succeed. I tend to have the same disposition on waiting as Dr. Seuss conveyed in Oh The Places You Will Go:

You can get so confused that you’ll start in to race 

down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace 

and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, 

headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place…for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, 

or a plane to go or the mail to come, 

or the rain to go or the phone to ring, 

or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No 

or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite 

or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, 

for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break 

or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, 

or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting.

I don't like the waiting place. But then I go back to the original verse. 
But they soon forgot what He had done 
   and did not wait for His plan to unfold.
In the desert they gave in to their craving; 
   in the wilderness they put God to the test. 
So he gave them what they asked for, 
   but sent a wasting disease among them.


When I don't wait for God's plan to unfold, I give in to my cravings. I put God to the test. And He might give me what I ask for. Oh Lord, I don't want what I've asked for. I want your perfect will to be done. For my cravings, my testing, my laying out of my plans will lead to a wasting disease. Help me to not forget what you have done. Help me to wait for your plan to unfold. 

Love is patient...

This morning I woke up to read 1 Corinthians 13, feeling like I needed a reminder. Thus ensued an amazing conversation with the Lord.
I read about love being patient and kind, not envying, not being proud, or rude, or boastful, keeping no record of wrong, not delighting in evil, but rejoicing in the truth.

I looked at the list several times feeling terribly inadequate. So I prayed, "Oh, Lord, please make me more loving."

He answered with a phrase, "God is love." So I thus inserted God in for love in the passage. Therefore, God is patient and kind. God does not envy, or boast. God is not proud or rude. God is not self-seeking (though He is the only one really allowed to be). God does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. God keeps no record of wrongs. He always protects, always hopes, always trusts, always perseveres.

I then realized He does these things for me. He is patient and keeps no record of my wrong. He is slow to anger with me, even when I fail, sin, rebel. So to pray that I would be more loving is a futile and foolish way to pray, for it implies that I can be more loving. Instead, mine is to abide in God who is Love.

I prayed today for an opportunity to abide in His love, so that He could love through me. He answered by putting me in contact with one person throughout the day, all day, amid technology issues. I wasn't abiding very well at the beginning. But throughout the day my heart turned to Jesus, and patience came, and the desire to boast or get angry vanished. Today, I knew the God who is Love.

Battle and Victory

Today, Jesus won a huge victory in my life! Unfortunately, victory can't come without there first being a battle. It's so interesting to me, how we, as humans, are such creatures of habit. We habitually put ourselves in the same horrible situations over and over again. We then habitually try to get out, using the same wretched techniques. So there is a battle, a battle between the habitual, recurring sin, and the newness that Jesus brings through surrender, trust, and redemption.

Today, I was plagued by a habitual way of relating to people. I find when it comes to people, Satan's greatest recourse is not violent anger or hatred, but petty annoyances, which stem from darker places in my heart.  I want to hide and run away.  I feel powerless to change. Today, Jesus showed up in my habitual weakness. He spoke truth. I in turn communicated the hurt and irritation I was so afraid to communicate. Instantly, the weight was lifted. The annoyances gone. My face turned toward Jesus. And the words I thought would cause so much harm, were received with grace and truth. Today, Jesus won a huge victory in my life!

Starting Fresh

"He makes all things new." Nothing reminds me of this truth more than the beginning of a new school year. Going through the isles of Office Max new packs of crayons, paper, markers, and glue make me giddy. Then to see those same school supplies in my room, in their designated spot (untainted by the chaos that students bring:) makes it feel like home. I have my syllabi copied. I have my seating chart done (or will before students come in tomorrow). I have my rosters in hand, and I am thrilled. I am teaching almost all new classes, most of them Bible. It is a new year!  There is energy and electricity in the air. It is a new year! I realize how much God has changed me, and am excited to show it off. This year already has begun with my mind focused on Jesus in a way that hasn't happened before. I think God gives us new beginnings physically so that we realize that He is in the business of new beginnings. "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new." He is in the business of starting fresh. 

My File Cabinet

Several years ago I took the Strengths Finder Test. I found it absolutely fascinating as I love everything having to do with personality profiling. This particular test is built on the premise that if we all work from a place of our strengths rather than trying to accommodate our weaknesses we will be more productive, happier people.

So my strengths.. they are all pretty nerdy: achiever, responsibility, learner, intellection, and input. Basically I like to gather information, think about it, store it, and use it to point of completion (so there is a nice little check by it at the end of the day). The one that has got me thinking lately is input. Someone with this strength is a collector. My form of input is in collecting information.

See, my brain works like a file cabinet. I hear information. If I find it interesting in any way, it gets filed in my file cabinet under nice little labelled folders. Later (sometimes much, much later) I hear a conversation, a speech, a sermon, and a file folder is pulled up in my brain. I quickly scan through the contents and find a connected piece of information. Once a file folder is opened, and a connecting tid bit is pulled, I feel compulsively driven to share that nugget.

It plays out like this: Someone talks about who at school is CPR certified, my CPR file folder is drawn up. Several pieces of information pop up: 1. where the AED machine is 2. all the people that were at the CPR training 3. my roommate and coworker is not on the list (and should be) 4. my friend who had to resuscitate two people one being a horrific story where the person died. Once these bullets in the folder come up I have to share them. Usually not all, but I obsess about it, till a compulsion makes me: raise my hand and tell the group where the machine is, call out my roommate as certified, and share to the person beside me a snippit of the horrific story, "a friend of mine has had to do CPR twice," I whisper, though if I'm being honest the number will often be exaggerated for storytelling effect.

It's funny how it works, one bullet of information could be under many file folders and therefore useful in many scenarios. Like my brother's potato gun story can be filed under accidents, eyes, potatoes, my brother, fainting at the sight of blood, awkward people or situations. It is also funny too, because in social situations, conversations can go from one topic to another so quickly that I will often get backlogged on folders and bullets accessed. A file folder might pop up, a nugget identified, I go to share it, but the conversation shifts. So I am left with a compulsion to share that which is no longer relevant, so I anxiously await another folder to be accessed, hoping it will happen soon.

Honestly, I love this about my brain. As a teacher it comes in really handy. The last two days back for teachers have given me many opportunities to open my file cabinet, pull out a folder and share information. I only pray that I might live with this great gift surrendered to God, for if not I am a poser know-it-all, trying to get attention and acclaim. But this strength surrendered can be a great tool to bring glory to God.

sadness

The last few days have been laced with a deep and inexplicable sadness. Not sure when it started or what caused it, but tears have been close to the surface for days. So today, I let them come and with them came some faces of this sadness. My heart is homesick for heaven and for Jesus. I am sad because of my own sin: my pride, my critical spirit, my lack of self-control. I am sad for those who are lost without Jesus. I am sad for dear friends who long to have children and can't. I am sad for friends who are far away wishing they were close enough to call up for a cup of tea and a hug. I am sad for the dissatisfaction that drives me most of the time. It drives me to constantly be looking and longing for what is next. It causes me to pray for that next thing instead of all these other things that God cares about. I am sad because I know God loves me, I don't doubt it at all, yet I don't deserve it at all either. I am sad for the current lack of driving vision. I am sad for the years, the gifts, the opportunities I have wasted. So the inexplicable sadness got exchanged for over-explicable sadness.

When your heart feels this heaviness, good girlfriends are always a good remedy. Mine tonight let me know that this could be the Father stirring me, getting me ready for something, or trying to teach me something. Or, the second option is that this deep sadness is from the enemy of our souls trying to distract, tempt, overwhelm. My heart says that either way it will soon be seen for what it is. Also, the best remedy is to turn to Him, to look on his face, and see the same sadness there that I might be comforted. When I seek the "face place", if it is from Him, He will accomplish what He desires; if it from our enemy, God will then have victory.

So Lord, tonight I give you this sadness. I don't know where it came from, but I bring it to you. My heart says, "seek His face," your face O Lord I will seek. I curl up in your lap and cry. For you care about my tears and can carry my burdened heart. If this is from you, may it accomplish something beautiful in me. If it is from Satan, may you gain all the victory. Either way, I am yours, and I pray you be greatly glorified.

Take my life

Take my life and let it be

Consecrated, Lord, to thee.

Take my moments and my days;

Let them flow in ceaseless praise.

Take my hands and let them move

at the impulse of thy love.

Take my feet and let them be

Swift and beautiful for thee.

Take my voice and let me sing

Always, only for My King.

Take my lips and let them be

Filled with messages from thee.

Take my silver and my gold;

Not a mite would I withhold.

Take my intellect and use

Every power as you choose.

Take my will, and make it thine.

It shall be no longer mine.

Take my heart; it is thine own.

It shall be thy royal throne.

Take my love, My Lord, I pour

At your feet its treasure store.

Take myself and I will be

Ever, only, all for Thee.

Confession is good for the soul

God has been majorly connecting dots for me this week. While these dots will share my weaknesses, I believe confession is cathartic, and since I can usually write better than speak, here goes....

Dot 1: Sometimes I experience great physical pain.

Dot 2: This pain is not rooted physically, but emotionally.

Dot 3: I have a hard time expressing painful emotions and stress, so my body hurts.

Dot 4: Those painful emotions and stress usually stem from disappointing or hurting people, or even the fear that I have disappointed someone, especially someone I love.

Dot 5: I tend to disappoint people most often because I try to help, relieve, change, or fix someone. I see needs in those around me and want to step in. While it can be positive and Christlike, for me, this is often a misdirected sense of identity. I see myself as a Helper, a Fixer. But I can never do it perfectly. I will go too fast and mess up, or try to help too much where it is not my place to help. I end up needing brokenness around me to make me feel less broken. So I have been horribly guilty of seeking out broken people so that I can fix them. This never works. God chides me "You're trying to do my job. You are trying to fix something only I can fix."So inevitably comes dot 6.

Dot 6: When I find my identity in trying to help, relieve stress, fix, I will mess up greatly. And therefore I will hurt people. They will be disappointed in me, and I will feel my stack of cards falling apart.

The conclusion: Somewhere in life I have picked up a misperception that the greatest weakness in my life is to show weakness. So in that I have taken on a persona that I have to have it all together. Not being satisfied with just this, I have also adhered myself to the lie that I have to hold the ones I love together too. I have to be strong. I have to perform. So then a comment, a look, a phone call, or just more brokenness than I can handle will rip a hole in the well-constructed exterior persona I have created. One semblance of disapproval will drive me mad. My brain will go over every possible way I could have offended, every way I didn't measure up. The pain and stress of it continues to pile up having no outlet to be released, for certainly tears are a clear sign of weakness. So my identity is in question and my body downtrodden, and so I hurt.

The solution:
God is the only one who can hold me and the people I love together. He is the Great Fixer.

I am broken. I will mess up. I will disappoint and hurt people.
My identity is not in my failures.
My identity is not in how well I can cover up my failures.
My identity is not in holding it all together.
My identity is not in holding everyone else all together.

So God can hold me together. He loves me, broken and all.

and if pain is an expression of hurt and stress, it is a bad expression of it. Tears and talking are a lot easier, so when I mess up, when I am stressed, when I disappoint someone I need to let myself feel, cry, talk, pray... honestly. To show weakness is not the greatest weakness, to hide is.

Sweet Land

Sometimes the simplest stories grab your heart and change you a little. I had that experience tonight watching an independent film. The plot was simple: An American farmer in the early 20th century gets a mail order bride. She turns out to be German, and no one will marry them because of it (they think she is a spy). So the two strangers are ostracized and have to bring in the harvest alone. They show kindness where none has been extended to them. They fall in love and grow old together in the same house, on the same land. There was no climax, no big mystery, no great tragedy. The simplest of stories. As I sit here writing about it, tears come to my eyes and bit of pain in my heart.

"A think of beauty is a joy for ever:

Its loveliness increases; it will never

Pass into nothingness; but still will keep

A bower quiet for us, and a sleep

Full of sweet dreams, and health, and quiet breathing."

by John Keats

The Miao People

I receive a daily email highlighting a people group in the world. Over the last couple of weeks the emails have come about the different Miao people in China. There is the Central, Western, and Eastern Miao as well as the Horned and Lupanshui. All are animistic. Most live their lives in fear of and worship to the gods of nature. Few believers exist among these people groups; in some, there is no church, no believers anywhere close, no Jesus film or Scripture in their language. Jesus said that when every nation or people group had heard, then the end will come. I want the end to come. I await desperately His return. That cannot happen till the Miao know about Jesus, along with so many other groups who are perishing in the darkness. Pray with me that God will send workers into the harvest, for it is reaping time. Pray with me that you might also be one of the workers. "Here am I, Lord, send me!"

What God is doing in the world

First a few facts:

1. Jesus said, "And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in all the world as a witness to all the nations, and then the end will come," in Matthew 24:24. When he said all nations, he didn't mean countries. He used the word ethos which means ethnic or people groups. 
2. The current world population is almost 7 billion.
3. 67% of the world is covered in water. 
4. Over 40% of the world's people live near coastlands. 
5. The global church has changed. A couple of centuries ago, the church was concentrated in the West (N. America and Europe). Now it has changed to the global South: South America, Sub-Saharan Africa, and South Asia are now largely evangelical. 
6. Europe is currently the darkest continent with the smallest percentage of evangelical believers and churches. 
7. Latin America: though only has had the Gospel for 150 years, they have sent out over 8,000 missionaries. The church in Brazil and other parts of South America is growing exponentially. 
8. Africa: the Anglican church in Nigeria is growing by leaps and bounds, sending missionaries to the rest of the continent and Europe amid heavy persecution. 
9. Asia:
1. Mongolia: In 1989, there were 4 Mongolian believers recorded. Today, there are over 40,000 believers. 
2. South Korea is the 2nd biggest missionary sending country in the world. Of the 10 biggest churches in the world, 6 are in Seoul one having over 200,000 members. 
3. China: there are somewhere between 75-120 million believers in China amid heavy persecution. Chinese believers have begun a missionary expedition to get back to Jerusalem evangelizing everyone they encounter on their way. One house church leader was quoted saying, "We are not ready to die for the Gospel, we are expecting it."
4. India is close to overtaking China in population. In fact it increases by a million people every 3 weeks. The Dalit, the lowest class in India, over 250 million people are open to the Gospel and have seen large numbers come to faith in Jesus.
5. Nepal: in 1950, there was only a handful of believers. Today there are over 1 million Nepali believers.
6. Turkey: 3% of Turkey is in Europe, while the other 97% is in Asia. At the moment Turkey is experiencing an identity crises deciding whether to join the European Union or the Islamic world. If it joins European Union, there would be laws enacted for religious freedom and therefore end persecution of believers. Currently there are around 3,500 believers in Turkey, which is an immense blessing from God in this dark and heavily persecuted country. However, it is still one of the least reached countries in the world.
7. God is also on the move in the Islamic world. In Algeria, there was recently a futbol match, where a baptist team wanted to make a stand for Jesus. At half time instead of drinking water and eating oranges, they all read their New Testaments in front of the onlooking crowd. This sparked an interest that has led to 130,000 believers in this Muslim country. 

God is on the move in the world. His kingdom is close at hand. He extends this kingdom through the church. So the question is not where is God in the world, but more where on earth does God need you to be? 

My trip overview

This is the first installment of several blogs. This is an overview, I will send more especially about the information about the conference. 


About six months ago, I stood in the back of a chapel service listening to a young man who is giving his life to serve God in missions. He was challenging the high schoolers I work with (I am a Christian school teacher) to think about God's love propelling them to tell others. At least I think that is what he was talking about. It was hard to focus on him when God was having His own conversation with me. I heard Him clearly that morning speak to my heart: "It's time to go." I had been waiting for those words for several years. As a missionary kid, my heart has long been to be a full time missionary. Every year since graduating from college I have asked if it's time to go. For six years the answer has been, "Not now, not for a while." 

I was shocked when I heard His summons to go that morning. He was gracious enough to follow up the call with some specifics. I was to go on a short trip this summer, to the Roma gypsies. When I asked Him what I was to do, He answered that it wasn't about doing anything; "Just be," He told me. I was so excited about this news. My senior year of college I had written a paper about the Roma people and had been praying for them ever since. So now it was time to go. I went to the best source of quick information, Google. First on the list was OM's website advertising their short term trips for 2011. They had a trip going to Romania to work with the Roma people. When I read the tag line for it, I almost fell out of my seat: "Our goal is to just BE for the Roma people." It was the exact words God had given me about the trip. 

This particular trip was attached to a missions conference in Rome. Transform 2011 was not just an opportunity to see a city I've always wanted to visit, but it was some of the best teaching I have ever been under. The teachers at this conference were missionaries with a zeal for God's word, a passion for His kingdom, and delight in sharing both with us and with people all over the world who are dying without a Savior. They spoke about Jesus, the King, who is extending His kingdom through the church, a kingdom of peace and joy amid suffering. One of these teachers sat with me at breakfast. Someone at the table commented about how he had given up everything to share the Gospel in a different country. He simply responded, "I have not lost anything that God has not given back 100 times over." 

As it was a missions conference, I was expecting God to "call" me once again to full time missions. I was expecting emotional pleading for more workers and an equally emotional response from myself and those around me. It wasn't quite like that. Instead it was a beautiful presentation of God's Word, allowing it to do the emotional pulling not the zealous speakers. To me personally, God did call, not to full time missions or an emotional commitment, instead it was a quiet reminder to "Be a woman of prayer."

God fulfilled that calling during my proceeding week in Romania. I went flexible, for the gypsies have no schedule. When I arrived, several teams were already there. One group of teenagers was doing kids games for the children in this gypsy village. Another team was doing a free dental clinic. Yet another team was doing English classes. I joined a rag tag group of guys: Joel from the Uk, Steve from Chicago, Michael from Kenya, and Michael from Germany. Our role was two-fold, to pray and to tell people about Jesus. In the mornings we prayer walked through the village, in the afternoons (after recovering from the intense heat) we went door to door with members from the church sharing the Gospel. In the evenings we went to neighboring villages and showed the Jesus film. 

During one of our prayer walks, every time we opened our eyes, someone from the village had joined our circle. The first was a group of three: Constantino, Damnea, and Florinica. The week before all three had made a profession of faith. When they saw us praying outside their gate, they came with stools in hand and joined us. They didn't understand us as we were praying in Swahili, English, and German. When we opened our eyes they were all smiles as the joy of the Lord was exuding out of them. We walked a little further where we met Michaela. She had just returned from the hospital with a diagnosis of Schizophrenic Paranoia, and was worried because she couldn't afford medicine. We laid hands on her and prayed for her healing and powerfully sensed the Lord's presence.  

Our next job was door-to-door evangelism. Pastor Marian, the Roma pastor of a large congregation of 40 or so (this is large for a Roma church), made sure that he or someone from his congregation was with us so that there was a contact for follow up once the foreigners left. I was amazed at how well respected he is and what access he has into people's homes and lives. Many times he just walked through the gate in search of a listening ear. We talked to many people, each time presenting the Gospel. They all showed such great hospitality going to great lengths to provide us with comfortable seating. Many listened but with faces of stone. Just as many, though, listened intently with a receptivity I have rarely seen. I was struck by one old man whose son had tried to commit suicide a few weeks earlier. His rapt attention, tears, and prayers were a clear sign of his openness to the Gospel.

Our final role was to show the Jesus film in two neighboring villages. The people in these villages were much poorer than the ones we had been talking to. I was told later on that the reason for this, is because the people we had been interacting with were musicians who could earn some money through that trade. The people in other villages had no such luxury. The first night we showed the film around 50 people came out, most children. We waited till the sun went down and projected the film on the side of a house. Many prayed that night to receive Jesus. They were told of a small congregation that meets weekly at that same spot. The following showing brought also around 50 people. My new Romanian friend, Emma, noticed a woman who prayed at the invitation and was quietly weeping. Emma prayed with her and found out that her 12 year old son had Down Syndrome and was completely non-verbal and her 3 month old was really sick and needed to go to the hospital, which she could not afford. My heart broke as I heard this woman's story. Emma assured her that God knows her suffering and cares deeply for her. This suffering seemed to be typical of these people. Sickness and death are constant, and their poverty allows them no refuge from it. 

I walked away from this trip changed. There were no grand revelations, but an overwhelming sense of peace and joy. I walked away with a renewed calling to be a woman of prayer. In all the roles my team took part in, my main job was to stand in the background and pray. I believe prayer is powerful for it calls on the God who is All-powerful. I walked away also with a love for this people. The Roma are warm and hospitable, incredibly musically talented, poor and outcasts, sick and broken, and in desperate need of Jesus. They are also a people among whom God is working, among whom He has a remnant that He wants in His kingdom. I walked away with a new prayer that God would reap a great harvest among these people He so greatly loves. 

Lessons learned

"At last she put her hand in his and said softly, 'My Lord, I will tell you what I learned."

'Tell me,' he answered gently. 

'First, I learned that I must accept with joy all that you allowed to happen to me on the way and everything to which the path led me! THat I was never to try to evade it but to accept it and lay down my own will on the altar and say, 'Behold me, I am they little handmaiden Acceptance-with-Joy.'

He nodded without speaking, and she went on, "Then I learned that I must bear all that others were allowed to do against me and to forgive with no trace of bitterness and to say to thee, 'Behold me - I am they little handmaiden Bearing-with-Love,' that I may receive power to bring good out of this evil."

Again he nodded, and she smiled still more sweetly and happily.

"The third thing that I learned was that you, my Lord, never regarded me as I actually was, lame and weak and crooked and cowardly. You saw me as I would be when you had done what you promised and had brought me to the High Places, when it could truly be said, ' THere is none that walks with such a queenly ease, nor with such grace, as she.' You always treated me with the same love and graciousness as though I were a queen already and not wretched little Much-Afraid." Then she looked up into his face and for a little time could say no more, but at last she added, "My Lord, I cannot tell you how greatly I want to regard others in the same way."

A very lovely smile broke out on his face at that, but he still said nothing, only nodded for the third time and waited for her to continue.

"The fourth thing," said she with a radiant face, "was really the first I learned up here. Every circumstance in life, no matter how crooked and distorted and ugly it appears to be, if it is reacted to in love and forgiveness and obedience to your will can be transformed. 

"Therefore I begin to think, my Lord, you purposely allow us to be brought into contact with the bad and evil things that you want changed. Perhaps that is the very reason whey we are here in this world, where sin and sorrow and suffering and evil abound, so that we may let you teach us so to react to them, that out of them we can create lovely qualities to live forever. That is the only really satisfactory way of dealing with evil, not simply binding it so that it cannot work harm, but whenever possible, overcoming it with good. 

At last he spoke, "You have learned well, Grace and Glory. Now I will add one thing more. It was these lessons which you have learned which enabled me to change you from limping, crippled Much-Afraid into Grace and Glory with hind's feet. Now you are able to run, leaping on the mountains and able to follow me wherever I go so that we need never be parted again."

Lessons from the High Places

Hannah Hurnard 

Hinds Feet on High Places

What we tell ourselves

I have written before about the physical pain my body often experiences. Because of this pain, I started seeing a godly herbalist. She has been working for the past few months to restore health to my body in the major functions of digestion, sleep, and stress. I have noticed a huge difference. First of all, I have been sleeping through the night for the first time in years (minus the last few nights where I have had too much caffeine, too late in the day). I have noticed a huge change in my cravings for food, and my digestion of it. My energy levels have soared. These have all been amazing changes, but the most exhilarating has been the lessening of pain. There are days when my body still reacts and I feel stiff and sore and hurting, but those days are few and far between. Previous to these herbals I would go through weeks of intense and perpetual pain.

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine gave me an unofficial diagnosis of the cause of my pain. The diagnosis is not one taken lightly, and if accurate, has very negative ramifications. When I presented this unofficial diagnosis to my godly herbalist, she spoke truth to me that is today sinking deep into my heart. She said when we put such negative labels on ourselves, we start to live out that label. This particular label has negative associations ones she would not allow me to claim. What we say to ourselves, we live out. She said, "When you don't sleep or get stressed, you have some physical pain. Leave it at that." She encouraged me instead to focus on the healing God has brought and will continue to bring. What freedom there was in this statement!

I realized that her words have implications for all of life. What labels do I put on myself? What do I call myself? What I call myself, I will live out. So I have to get rid of all negative labels I have put on me. I wear His name, that need be the only label I am associated with.

Oh and another thought, a dear friend told me that I am healing quickly. A reason for this quick progression in physical health could be so intricately related to being in a good place spiritually. As she pointed this out, I was so aware that I am in a good place spiritually. I am overwhelmed by God's goodness to me. He loves me and I am keenly aware of it. Praise God, Jehovah Raffa, My Healer!

Down in the Depths

"That awful glimpse down into the abyss of an existence without Him had so staggered and appalled her heart that she felt she could never be quite the same again. However, it had opened her eyes to the fact that right down in the depths of her own heart she really had but one passionate desire, not for the things which the Shepherd had promised, bur for Himself. All she wanted was to be allowed to follow Him forever.

Other desires might clamor strongly and fiercely nearer the surface of her nature, but she knew now that down in the core of her own being, she was so shaped that nothing could fit, fill, or satisfy her heart but Himself. 'Nothing else really matters,' she said to herself, 'only to love Him and to do what He tells me. I don't know quite why it should be so, but it is. All the time it is suffering to love and sorrow to love, but it is lovely to love Him in spite of this, and if I should cease to do so, I should cease to exist."

Hinds Feet on High Places
In the Valley of Loss
Hannah Hurnard

What are you seeking?

"What do you want your life to look like? What are you seeking?"

I just started a study called The Good and Beautiful God, by James Bryan Smith. I have a feeling it is going to be the inspiration for many blog entries. The first chapter is a thesis of what he is trying to accomplish and how. The question he begins with is "what are you seeking?" My heart instantly responded where words are slower to come. I am seeking a heart of love that overflows into every area of life. I am seeking the abiding in Christ, the intimacy of knowing His will, praying and living it into existence. I am seeking a shinny face from being in God's presence. I am seeking an open heaven where I see God moving in and around me in ways I can't even begin to imagine. I am seeking satisfaction, and longing fulfilled. I am seeking Jesus.

These are the heart cries, but I get hung up on the how. I get hung up on my sin, on distractions, and the loss of hope. So Smith goes to the how. If we are seeking His kingdom, there are four practices we need to cultivate: change the narratives in our minds, train our souls for godliness, live in community, and depend on the Holy Spirit. It seems simple, but I think it is going to be a difficult process. I am about to embark on a journey toward godliness. I will let you know how it goes. Soul training #1 is sleep. This one I think I am going to enjoy.

I Am

I am... I could fill in the blank with so many things. I am a redhead. I am a bit OCD. I am an outgoing introvert. I am an admirer of beauty. And the list goes on and on....

This week I wrote a third grade Bible lesson on the "I Am" statements of Jesus. I pulled out all my commentaries, Bible dictionaries, and word study books. I did some monster research on these 8 phrases (well actually only 7 for these purposes). God used those massive books to hit me upside the head with truth, truth that went straight from my head to my heart. Here are some things I learned:

• When Jesus reveals something about Himself, He demands a response, a reaction from us. If He is the Bread of Life, we must consume Him. We must "eat" Him. This consuming process happens through believing in Jesus Christ. If Jesus is the Good Shepherd, He must be listened to, trusted, and followed. If Jesus is the Light of the World, we must no longer walk in darkness. He demands a reaction. 
• When Jesus reveals something about Himself, He draws our attention to what He has said before, so that when we make the connection, we stand in awe of Him. Each of the I Am statements is reminiscent of the desert experience. The phrase "I Am" comes from the burning bush in Exodus 3:14. He is also Bread=manna; Light= pillar of fire; Good Shepherd= Moses was called the good shepherd of Israel; Resurrection= the snake lifted up that brought life, The Way= pillar of cloud, The Truth= the law; The Life= I set before you this day life and death, choose life; The Vine= the grapes representative of the fertile land of Canaan. 
• When Jesus reveals something about Himself, He shows off the character of God. God is Light, Life, and Truth. Surely, Jesus was not just a man. He was the Son of God, for His character is God's character. 
• When Jesus reveals something about Himself, He presents those who would follow with unspeakable riches. When we follow Jesus, we get our spiritual hunger and thirst satisfied. We get guidance, protection, and direction. We get life itself.

He blew me away afresh with the Good Shepherd analogy. This relationship is one of intimacy. Jesus knows me by name. He loves me and cares for me. He cares for every single one of my needs. He lies across the entrance to the sheepfold, making Himself the Door, so that I won't wander away, and so that no enemy will wander in. He risks His life for me, He lays it down. A good shepherd will stand against thieves, robbers, and wild animals, with the risk that He could die, but with the confidence that He will prevail, for nothing will come against His sheep. Jesus loves me this way. I love it too that He calls me and leads me out. I do know His voice. I have heard Him call me. I will follow.

The other thing that blew me away was The Vine. He is the vine, I am the branch. If I remain in Him, I will bear much fruit. This word remain or abide is the verb form of dwelling place. That is what the Tabernacle was called, for God Himself would come down in all His glory and dwell with men. The God of the universe living with me. My friend Alaina described this as one of those huge old trees, the ones with big holes in them. We can go and make our home in the hole of that tree so that it is wrapped all around us. Likewise, we can dwell with Jesus as He completely surrounds us. The fruit mentioned in John 15 is greater trust, answered prayer, and love for each other. God has been giving me this fruit as the last several days He has taken me to new places of faith, prayer, and love. 

So the conclusion of the matter is this I AM has overtaken my life so that it no longer matters who I am. He is the One who satisfies me, guides me, cares for me and protects me, calls me by name and leads me out, gives me eternal life that begins life. He is my life giving source. He is I AM.

Prayer Requests for Romania

If you read this and would be so kind, I would love for you to join me in prayer for my trip to Romania. I am asking the Father for the following things:

•  God will use me to lay hands on people, pray for them, and see Him heal many.
• God will give me a new mission statement for my life. I need a new vision, a new song, a new direction. 
• God will make His name great among the Roma gypsies so that they will be well represented in the kingdom of God when He returns. 
• God will give me and my teammates overwhelming and unspeakable joy.
• God will allow me and the team to witness of Him among the Roma in such a way that many (many more than I can ask or imagine) will give their lives to Jesus.
• God will give me specific words of encouragement for people on my team. 
• God will blow all my expectations out of the water: miracles of healing, restoration, provision, redemption, plenty. I pray He will show us all that He is the God of so much more. 

Thanks for praying,

M

I'm so proud

When I was in the third grade, we were asked to find and memorize a poem and present it in front of the class. I remember going home that night scared because I didn't know how to find a poem, or even where to start looking. I don't know how it came about, but my dad ended up writing one on the history of Mexico. I set my mind to memorize it, and I did. I don't remember all the details, but not only did I present it to the class, but was one of the top in the class. My teacher asked me to present it at the end of the year program.

I was so nervous that night. I was sitting in the front row going over the poem repeatedly in my head. Then it was my turn. I walked up on stage. I remember how bright and hot the lights were. Suddenly, my nerves were replaced with the thought that my dad had written this poem. I remember feeling so incredibly proud as I said the title and my dad's name as the author. I recited the poem. I don't remember making mistakes; I don't remember the crowd's reaction. But I do remember seeing my parents through the lights in the audience. I remember both of their faces beaming up at me with enormous smiles. I am reminded now of the realization that hit me that night: they were proud of me.

So now, at times, I feel like a third grade girl, scared and nervous, like everyone is watching and I might fail. But my Father has written a story for me, one he wants me to show off. When I present it, I am filled with pride as I read the title and His name as the author. The amazing thing is that He is on the front row, beaming a huge smile. For He is so proud of me.

What makes me alive...

A few nights ago, my roommate and I started dreaming of packing everything up, driving far off, and changing our lives. Well, I am a bit extreme, so I quickly got on line and looked up what it would take to do just that. What started as a dream turned into a possible reality. I'm not sure which of us figured that we were ploughing ahead without consulting The Author of our dreams to see if this dreaming was in line with His. 

So we prayed. I felt compelled to pray like I never have before. Instead of laying my plans before Him and asking for His approval or disapproval like usual. I decided to ask Him what His plans were and wait in silence till He answered. So my roommate and I sat in the living room carrying on a three-way conversation. It went something like this (I will only share what He told me, though He shared some cool stuff with my roommate at the same time):

- Lord, I confess I don't trust you very well. I want to grow in that, so I come humbly through this process. Lord, what is it that you have given me that makes me feel alive? 

- Writing.

-Lord are you opening a season of using that which makes me feel alive?

-YES!

- Lord are you leading me to use that which makes me come alive as a primary source of income?

- no.

- Lord, are you changing my circumstances so that in the near future (i.e.his summer) I should pack up everything and move?

He responded with nothing, so I thought maybe I asked the wrong question or in the wrong way. 

- Lord, are you moving me on from my current school right now? 

(the lyrics to a song came flooding to mind) "I just won't give up now, come to far from where I started from"

His conversation with me thus ended, having a surety of the near future, and an assurance of a heart desire. Tonight, I realized a little bit of the weight of the small dialogue God had conducted with me. He has made me to write. Eric Liddell once said that God had made him fast, and when he runs he feels God's pleasure. Well, I feel that way about writing. Sometimes I suffer from a lack of motivation. Sometimes it is hard, hard work. But then when my fingers hit the keyboard, I feel His pleasure.  Tonight, I saw how God used my writing for a greater purpose. I took someone's thoughts and made them flow and sound good. The thoughts are amazing, the vision behind them divine, and I have a part to play to get the thought and vision communicated clearly. God has a reason for my writing. Well, He has several reasons for my writing: my joy and feeling alive, my friend's expression of her dream, the encouragement of those who read it, and ultimate the glory of the God who delights in my writing.