My Story Part 10: The things I've learned

I want to share a few things that God has taught me through this process of singleness, dating, and now engagement with marriage on the near horizon. 

• Don't give in to the desperation and hopelessness of your singleness. God had me single for a reason. He was working in my heart things that would have been very difficult to do while in a relationship. God has a purpose for singleness. 
• Don't do nothing in the name of waiting. Faith doesn't mean you sit back and let life happen to you. Faith takes steps. God loves active waiters. So actively wait: go to singles meetings, dress up, go online, pray and ask others to pray. 
• Don't settle. God gave me someone that exceeded my expectations. He is smart, funny, handsome. He loves the Lord. He (sometimes) beats me at scrabble. He enjoys movies. He talks about God, Jesus, and church pretty seamlessly. He loves me. He loves me so well. God has exceeded my expectations beyond what I could ever imagine. So don't settle. 
• Don't "arouse or awaken love until it so desires." God has honored my sexual purity. God will honor my sexual purity. God will look on me with pleasure on my wedding night when I am presented to my husband pure. I stand with no regrets and no baggage in that regard. 
• Don't date potential. If you can't respect him now, you shouldn't be with him. 
• Don't lose hope. Godly men do exist. Dave loves Jesus. He is a leader. He is kind. He loves me so well. He protects me better than I do myself. These men, though rare, do exist.

God gave me a man. A godly man. A good man. 

My Story Part 9: The Proposal

So for all of you that have waited for this story, here it goes....

I have to put the parenthesis that usually I would counsel girls to not move as quickly as Dave and I did. I would normally say there is no hurry. But God (I love those two words put together) showed up. He gave us a mutual faith and desire to seek God above all else. He gave us numerous connections. He gave us deep conversations and grace exemplified. He gave us confirmation from friends galore that this was good and right. In fact, no one cautioned us. And He Himself gave us a peace we couldn't not describe.

So Valentine's Day is not my favorite day. Not in a bitter-single girl way, but in a I hate that it is too commercial way. But this is the first time that I have a man on Valentine's Day. So we were going to do something. The day before though Dave said he had to work late that night and would not be able to make it. He asked me if I minded celebrating Valentine's Day on Wednesday or Thursday that week. I was actually excited at this prospect, as it brought out the bit of rebel in me.

The day came. I did think that maybe he had just tried to throw me off his scent. But when five, six, seven, eight came with no Dave, I assumed it was for real and he was not coming. Meanwhile I talked to him on the phone. Where you at? At the store? Gettin' groceries? No (long silence). So what you getting? Nothing. Suspicion rising in me. But after eight no Dave, so suspicion dying.

Around 9:15pm. I'm dogsitting, in my pajamas, hair pulled back, no makeup, crocheting and watching Downton Abbey. Suddenly Dave calls. "So I lied," he says. "I wasn't on my way home. I'm actually outside." So I go to the door and there he is with a bunch of sunflowers.

His speech:
Do you remember what you said when you saw the sunflower fields in Romania?

Interject story:
While on a missions trip in Romania this summer, I saw these fields of amazing sunflowers. Their heads are huge and they extend for acres and acres. When I first saw them I wanted to get a picture of them. To my great disappointment, the whole week went by with no opportunity for a picture of these fields. On the last day, my little team took an unexpected trip to a neighboring village. On this trip we went a different way than usual, which took us right through sunflower fields on both sides of our car. My friend took beautiful pictures. I told the car: "This is God's gift to me. You get to enjoy this, but it was made for me."

Return to his speech:
You are my sunflower field. Others get to enjoy your presence, but you were made for me.

He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a ring as he dropped to one knee asking me to be his wife. The box the ring was in had a light. I think the first thing I said was, "Oh how neat! a light!" Eventually I also said I would be his wife. We called our families and told them. We then walked around Colonial Williamsburg hand in hand, completely rejoicing.

The next day, Dave came back to Williamsburg and took me to the Trellis, a really nice restaurant. Turns out the plan had been to propose that night after dinner. However, since the ring came in on Tuesday, he just couldn't wait till the next day.

So now, I'm set to marry the man of my dreams.

My Story Part 8: Grace Exemplified

We were at an engagement party one day. We heard the engaged couple say that they were blessed to have a long distance relationship because it allowed them to go deep fast. When you live in the same town you spend your time playing games, watching movies, or hanging out with other people. When you are long distance though, all you can do is talk on the phone. This forces you to talk, which breeds intimacy... it opens the door to hard conversations.

Dave and I immediately resonated with this. We have the best of both worlds. We live an hour away. This means that I get to see him every weekend, and even some weekdays as he is willing to drive on a school night. But the other nights are spent on the phone. We talk a lot. This is an amazing thing since until now I have never enjoyed being on the phone, but now I look forward to it.

What we talk about? In a word: everything.

It was quick into the relationship that we broached some heavy topics. We talked about dreams for the future. We talked about our past transgressions and transgressions against us. We laid bear our hearts.

We placed ourselves in complete vulnerability, the scariest place in relationships. We both feared being rejected and condemned. Jesus showed up.

 Thousands of years ago he took nails through his hands and feet to exemplify grace. Through his crown of thorns, He forgave us. Through His suffering, He loved us, despite us. He reached down from heaven into our muck and mire. He cleaned us. He restored us. He healed us. He showed grace in a tangible way.

Two months ago in our vulnerable place He once again exemplified grace. This time it was through tears on the other side of a phone conversation. We laid ourselves bear. We stepped into the vulnerable place. Then we both extended grace. We chose love. Jesus defined grace for me through a man that loved me despite my past, my hurts, my fears, my insecurities.

My Story Part 7: I'm in

One Friday evening, my phone rings. The name comes up: David Wetzel. I was ecstatic and nervous at the same time. We had gone on one date. We had texted during Christmas break. I was eager for another connection.

Thus proceeded a three hour conversation.

I was amazed how the conversation flowed so seamlessly. We talked about old teachers, our jobs, future plans, how when we see Jesus better, we see our sin better and we understand grace better. Then we went right back into favorite books, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings movies, and then back to church and Jesus. At one point I threw myself on the bed thinking this couldn't be real. Could it really be that there is a man who can talk about Jesus in the same breath as regular conversation? Could it be that I don't have to bring up faith in an awkward "where are you with Jesus" talk? Could it be that I could talk on the phone for three hours without feeling bored? awkward? uncomfortable?

The next week was a fun worldwide.

• Iceskating on Wednesday
• Dinner on Friday night
• German New Years on Sunday

Dave throughout all of this showed himself to be someone I could talk to. He showed himself to be someone who I could listen to all day. 

One week later... He came up to Williamsburg. We walked around Waller Mill Park, walking and talking for hours. We sat on a bench overlooking a beautiful lake. It was then that David Wetzel told me he would like to date me exclusively. After I said yes, we went to the James River where we held hands and prayed committing our relationship to the Lord. 

At this point... I feel like the most blessed woman in the world. 

My Story Part 6: Connections

So meeting someone online can be a little scary, for you only know someone by how they choose to portray himself. But God was good to us. He gave us a lot of connections. People that knew us both outside each other that spoke to us of who this person was we were connecting with. Here are just a few of the amazing intertwining God was doing:

• Dave's bosses are great friends of my dad. My dad called John and asked who this guy was. The answer: "If my daughter were older I would want her to marry him."
• My old landlord went to college with Dave. 
• His pastor worked with me at Atlantic Shores. 
• People in his church were good friends of my family in high school. We used to go to away football games together in their suburban. 
• I went to grad school with the wife of one of his closest friends. 
• Dave's company built my parents home. In fact a picture of their house is framed in his office. 

Everyone spoke of my character to him and his character to me. God is so good to give such clear confirmation.

My Story Part 5: The First Date

The time came for the emails to cease and me to meet this man in person.

The set up: "so I'll take you out for dinner. Have you ever been to Baker's Crust?"
I was filled with excitement and more anxiety I have felt in a long time. Through email we had covered a lot of topics. I was definitely interested, but really scared. 


What if all the work I had gone through with the Lord worked against me now? What if this guy like the others would require me to compromise? What if faith was a facade? What if I didn't like him? What if he didn't like me? 


Well, the night came. 


I got all dressed up. 


I drove to Virginia Beach. 


I got to the restaurant. 


I thought my heart would leap out of my chest and my stomach explode with the influx of butterflies. 


I was so pleasantly surprised. The man that greeted me was cute, kind, and interesting. He asked great questions. He listened intently. He talked freely. The conversation weaved in and out easily on so many topics. Jesus, faith, church, were all seamlessly introduced and expounded on. 


The funny part was that I had not told my family I had rejoined eharmony. I had not told them I was on a date that evening. So my sister called shortly into this meeting. I accidentally hit send instead of silent. She could hear my voice and a man's voice. She knew it was a date. When I got home, she and my parents were waiting to hear all about it. I was so happy to report that it was a great first date. He was a great man. And I was very interested to go on another. 

My Story Part 4: Online Dating as a Tool of Sanctification

So God had been working on me really hard. I had spent months doing the hard work. Suddenly life started to change.

• I finished writing curriculum I had worked on for a year a half.
• I got into the smallest jean size I had ever been in.
• I got a new roommate and new apartment.
• I had an overwhelming workload at school lightened. 
• My health was doing great, and the pain I had been in constantly was completely at bay. 

So I thought that it would be a good time to try an online dating site again. I say again because I had done it twice before. I am an extremist, so both previous times I had signed up for a year because it is cheaper. Both previous times I had caught myself in a downward cycle. I would get on when I was lonely. I would look through dozens of profiles. I would initiate the process with as many as I could. When a couple of weeks would go by without any responses I would in anger and bitterness delete them all. I found myself constantly feeling lonely, rejected, angry and bitter. I don't like admitting these things, for I never wanted to be one of those girls. But one of those girls I became. I was appalled at how few boys initiated conversation even on a dating site where it is already assumed you are looking for the same things i.e. a relationship.

Well, this time I wanted it to be different. I set my heart for it to be different. The prayer I began to pray was this, "Lord, I am joining this site. You might choose to use this for me to meet a man. But Lord no matter the outcome, no matter if the result is a relationship, I want you to use this as a tool for my sanctification. I don't want to use it to satisfy my loneliness or perpetuate my bitterness. I want to use this as a method for me to look more like Jesus." Because I wanted it to be different, I approached it in a radical way. I initiated no conversations. I looked only at profiles of those who initiated with me. This I felt was radical for in the last two years of using this site only a handful of men had initiated anything, and most of them got deleted right out of the gate.

Well, a strange thing happened. Eight men initiated conversation within two weeks of joining. Most were quality. Two were open doors. Could it be that I got no responses because I was not meant to initiate? Could it be I was trying too hard to take control, to take matters into my own hands? Could it be that God's timing was not yet?

Within that time frame a boy initiated and stepped through the process of online dating. Through countless emails with him I felt God speak to me. He told me that he would make the waiting pay off. He asked me to trust him as he lead me by the hand. I found in this process God was beginning to harvest the truths he had already implanted. I was looking more like Jesus. God answered my prayer... online dating was a tool of sanctification.

My Story Part 3: Settling

For any single person there is the fear and temptation to settle. I did not experience my singleness unscathed from this temptation.

The possibilities:

• The simple-minded. Great guy, but he couldn't play scrabble. He was not my equal in intellect. Am I being too picky? I am a snob? Should I go out with him anyway?
• The mess. Oh he was nice, but he completely lacked confidence. His clothes were wrinkled. He second-guessed himself. He brought friends along (whom he played a chess on his phone with the whole time) to our second date. Could I get past his insecurities? 
• The homebody. He lived with his parents. He had never traveled more than 70 miles from home. We had so little to talk about. Should I stick it out? Should I bear through the boring conversation? 
• The nice guy. He was an elementary teacher. He loved travel. He was kind and gentle. He was interested and interesting. He was taking guitar lessons. But he didn't really talk about God. I asked where his relationship with God was, he simply answered, "it could be better." This one was hard. Was God asking me to be the catalyst for him to deepen his walk with God? Was it ok to just be a church goer? We were compatible in so many other ways, was it ok to compromise on faith? He had potential.

With each of these men, the temptation to settle raged. I turned away from each, some a little more willingly than others. I was not willing to compromise. With each I feared being too picky. With each I decided I'd rather be single, than give up a part of who I am, especially my faith.

My Story Part 2: Coming out of Hiding

I find that my life often resembles a book. Each chapter titled. Each section marked. Each page begging to be turned.

The last few years of my life had all fallen under the same title: Come out of Hiding.
Chapter 1: Don't hide behind your clothes. 
I was frump girl. Somewhere deep in subconscious I used the defense mechanism that men were just not attracted to me because I was comfortable. So I fulfilled that. I dressed comfortably. My boss one day pulled me into her office. She said she saw leadership in me, but the way I dressed was in opposition to what she saw. She said I needed to start dressing like the professional and leader she knew I could become. This hit hard as I was confronted with decades worth of hiding. It was a vulnerable place. What if I dressed well, and was still rejected? What if I tried and failed? What if I stopped hiding behind my clothes and realized that it was me and not my exterior that was unattractive? Chapter 1 ended in a happy place, for I went out and bought a whole new wardrobe. Confidence grew in me. God spoke to me... it is not your clothes people love; it is you. It is not your clothes I love; it is you.

Chapter 2: Don't hide behind having it all together
I lived in a house with three other girls, each with disparate personalities. I put myself in the role of glue. I felt responsible to hold everyone and everything together. I felt like I had to have it all together all the time. I could not show weakness. I felt responsible for the house, for the girls, for the school, for my students, for my friends who were struggling. I this on like an actor takes on a role. I lost who I was, as I became who everyone needed. So God asked me to come out of hiding behind this role. The girls all moved out, my struggling friends struggled all the more, the responsibility for the house made me crack. In this chapter, like the previous, God asked me to come out. In this chapter, like the previous, I had to choose to walk where he was pointing. It felt vulnerable and I was full of fear. But I did. And God showed up. God spoke to me.... it is not the girl who has it all together people love; it is you. It is not the girl who has it all together that I love; it is you.

Chapter 3: Don't hide behind what you eat
This chapter was the hardest. I am not sure when I started using food to self-sooth, but I did. Food has been my go to for any emotion of consequence: anger, sadness, happiness, boredom, frustration, loneliness, and the list goes on. Soon I started hiding behind yet another persona: the fat girl. Now I must mention that I have never been severely overweight. This persona was more in my head than in my body. I somehow convinced myself that I was unattractive because I didn't fit the mold of beauty that our society displays. I am not thin. I am not dainty. This persona was a wretched self-fulfilling prophecy. I felt like I was fat so I ate. I was convinced this was why I was destined to be single. When God asked me to come out of hiding this time, it hurt more than any of the previous chapters. This hiding spot was deep, dark, painful. I had started hiding there as a young girl. God used good friends and a book called Made to Crave, to show me that my sin was not overeating or overindulgence. My sin was idolatry. He showed me that the lie I was believing, the role I was playing was dark black hole. It was time to come out of hiding. He called and though it was vulnerable and I was afraid, I answered. I gave up sugar. I started working out. I lost almost forty pounds. Fear crept up in me though. What if I lost weight and men still did not find me attractive? What if there was something wrong with me at the core that could not be excused by some extra pounds on my physical frame? God spoke to me.... It is not the fat girl people love; it is you. It is not the fat girl I love; it is you.

So here I stood out in the open. My comfortable hiding places were exposed and access to them was denied by a God who loves me. It is a vulnerable but beautiful place to be.

My Story Part 1: Active Waiting

"You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

NO!
That's not for you!"


from: Oh the Places You Will Go
by: Dr. Seuss


For many years I have been in the Waiting Place. It is truly a hard place to be. I am 28 and single. Therefore, 28 and waiting. This waiting has taken on many forms over the last years. 


There has been a longing inside of me to be a wife and mother, a longing that runs deep and that causes great pain. The pain comes in a hope deferred, which has made my heart sick. 


In the waiting place there have been times of great hope relying on the Lord that he would bring me a man of God, that he would fulfill my desires. There were also times of desperation and hopelessness thinking it would never happen. I remember conversations with other godly women stating emphatically that I was just deciding to be single and not hold out hope, so that I could live singlely without constantly looking and waiting. 


The Lord has been working on my heart through this waiting place. He asked me to actively wait. This meant I needed to take a few steps: I joined an online dating site. I emailed all the pastors that have been influential in my life asking them to pray for a mate and if they knew anyone to introduce me. I prayed, intensely and specifically for God to bring me a man. I asked others to pray. I actively waited. 


For many months I saw no results, but I did see God change my heart. So I find that the Waiting Place is not actually the most useless place. 

my story of recent months

So the last few months have been an amazing whirlwind of life changes. Amazing, good, beautiful, life changes. I am going over the next several entries attempt to tell this amazing journey the Lord has put me on. It will be in installments and hopefully fully reveal God's amazing work in me and the beautiful tapestry he is weaving in my life and heart.

To God be the glory.......


Stay tuned