I find that my life often resembles a book. Each chapter titled. Each section marked. Each page begging to be turned.
The last few years of my life had all fallen under the same title: Come out of Hiding.
Chapter 1: Don't hide behind your clothes.
I was frump girl. Somewhere deep in subconscious I used the defense mechanism that men were just not attracted to me because I was comfortable. So I fulfilled that. I dressed comfortably. My boss one day pulled me into her office. She said she saw leadership in me, but the way I dressed was in opposition to what she saw. She said I needed to start dressing like the professional and leader she knew I could become. This hit hard as I was confronted with decades worth of hiding. It was a vulnerable place. What if I dressed well, and was still rejected? What if I tried and failed? What if I stopped hiding behind my clothes and realized that it was me and not my exterior that was unattractive? Chapter 1 ended in a happy place, for I went out and bought a whole new wardrobe. Confidence grew in me. God spoke to me... it is not your clothes people love; it is you. It is not your clothes I love; it is you.
Chapter 2: Don't hide behind having it all together
I lived in a house with three other girls, each with disparate personalities. I put myself in the role of glue. I felt responsible to hold everyone and everything together. I felt like I had to have it all together all the time. I could not show weakness. I felt responsible for the house, for the girls, for the school, for my students, for my friends who were struggling. I this on like an actor takes on a role. I lost who I was, as I became who everyone needed. So God asked me to come out of hiding behind this role. The girls all moved out, my struggling friends struggled all the more, the responsibility for the house made me crack. In this chapter, like the previous, God asked me to come out. In this chapter, like the previous, I had to choose to walk where he was pointing. It felt vulnerable and I was full of fear. But I did. And God showed up. God spoke to me.... it is not the girl who has it all together people love; it is you. It is not the girl who has it all together that I love; it is you.
Chapter 3: Don't hide behind what you eat
This chapter was the hardest. I am not sure when I started using food to self-sooth, but I did. Food has been my go to for any emotion of consequence: anger, sadness, happiness, boredom, frustration, loneliness, and the list goes on. Soon I started hiding behind yet another persona: the fat girl. Now I must mention that I have never been severely overweight. This persona was more in my head than in my body. I somehow convinced myself that I was unattractive because I didn't fit the mold of beauty that our society displays. I am not thin. I am not dainty. This persona was a wretched self-fulfilling prophecy. I felt like I was fat so I ate. I was convinced this was why I was destined to be single. When God asked me to come out of hiding this time, it hurt more than any of the previous chapters. This hiding spot was deep, dark, painful. I had started hiding there as a young girl. God used good friends and a book called Made to Crave, to show me that my sin was not overeating or overindulgence. My sin was idolatry. He showed me that the lie I was believing, the role I was playing was dark black hole. It was time to come out of hiding. He called and though it was vulnerable and I was afraid, I answered. I gave up sugar. I started working out. I lost almost forty pounds. Fear crept up in me though. What if I lost weight and men still did not find me attractive? What if there was something wrong with me at the core that could not be excused by some extra pounds on my physical frame? God spoke to me.... It is not the fat girl people love; it is you. It is not the fat girl I love; it is you.
So here I stood out in the open. My comfortable hiding places were exposed and access to them was denied by a God who loves me. It is a vulnerable but beautiful place to be.
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