A Modern Erroneous Teaching

I was watching Planes with my husband this weekend. The basic plot is a crop duster has a dream to win a round-the-world-race with some of the fastest planes in the world. A crop duster is not made to race around the world. He is made to fly over crops spraying them with insecticides. This particular crop duster has heart, though, and so he enters the race, squeaks in my the skin of his teeth, and (spoiler alert) he wins the race. 

When we finished the movie, Dave commented on this running theme found in many children's movies that you can be whoever you want to be as long as you have enough heart. He said it is actually a bunch of bologna. He mentioned our dog Gus. See that day we had taken him to the dog park. He is an English bulldog. He is short and has a ten minute window of stamina. At the park there were German shepherds, American bulldogs, and all kinds of mutts. These dogs love the park. They run and chase each other, wrestle, and jump all over each other. Gus has heart. He loves other dogs, but he just can't keep up. He tries and tries, but after a short burst of energy, he is exhausted and throws himself on the ground panting and foaming at the mouth. No matter how hard he tries, he is not made to run with shepherds and labs. 

I thought about this as I was at a prayer meeting last night. I was surrounded by women of God, whom I love and admire. Several times I have jealously thought about how much I want to be like them. I want to pray with the authority of Priscilla, with the passion of Donnalynn, and the affection of Michelle. I often think I am not them. There is a temptation to mimic them and try to pray in the same way they do. But God sent me a freeing message: "I am not them." I was not made to pray like them. I was made to pray like Melissa Wetzel. No matter how much heart I have, I can't change who I am and what I am made to do. That when really accepted is truly freeing. 

The Emotions of the Gospel

I was reading through Mark and got stuck on a word early on. I read this word over and over, unable to move on. It was the first emotion word of Jesus mentioned.

The story: A man with leprosy came to Jesus and said, "Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean." Mark then describes Jesus as indignant. He replied, "I am willing. Be clean."

The word: indignant.

The first emotion describing Jesus is not a word of happiness, contentment, surety, or peace. It is indignation. It is a word of offense, of injustice, of insult. Jesus was insulted at the man's words, "if you are willing." Did he know who he was talking to? The one responsible for creating the universe, the one who desires that none should perish, the one who came to pursue a sinful people was being challenged on how much he cared. I wonder if Jesus was thinking, "You fool! I care enough to die for you, much less heal your skin condition."

I was struck by the strength of this emotion, which led me on a quest to discover the emotions of Mark. At the onset, I didn't think I would find many as Mark was writing to Romans, men characterized by military strength not emotional acumen. I was not completely off in my initial assessment. There are not many emotion words in the book of Mark, but there are enough to make some amazing conclusions. We see several groups of people exhibiting strong emotions in the book of Mark: the crowds, the disciples, the Pharisees, individuals, and Jesus himself.

The crowds are continually amazed when they hear Jesus teaching and see his miracles. They are amazed that he speaks with authority unlike the teachers of the law. They are amazed when he tells the paralytic that his sins are forgiven, and then gives him the command to get up and walk. They are amazed at the testimony of the demon-possessed man whose name had been Legion. After the feedings of the 5,000 and 4,000, where they eat and are satisfied, the crowd's emotions change. After they are fed, they see Jesus and are overwhelmed with amazement and wonder. They saw that he had done everything well, and that even the deaf hear and the mute speak. Finally, toward the end they are filled with delight at Jesus' teaching. The amazement they felt at the beginning seemed to be laced with incredulity. It is the gaping-mouth stance of skeptics that Mark portrays at the beginning. However, this changes to the delighting adoration of a beloved hero toward the end of the book.

The disciples emotions don't really seem to change much. They surely feel strong emotions, but they are consistent emoters. Their predominant emotion is fear (in varying degrees). They are terrified that the winds and waves obey him. They are terrified when he walks on water, thinking he is a ghost. They are frightened to the point of stupidity at the transfiguration. They feel sad when Jesus says that one of them will betray him, though their actions also depict fear as they all ask Jesus if it is them. I wonder how their fear made Jesus feel. The ones closest to him trembled. They got to see his divinity more than anyone, and they stand in fear. It makes me think of the Old Testament where the people of Israel saw the fire on Mount Sinai and shook in terror begging Moses to go up for them to interact with this God that made them quake. It does seem that the concentrated presence of God produces fear and trembling. Surely, their fear speaks to Jesus' terror-striking divinity. I wonder if the disciples were constantly thinking that no one could see the face of God and live.

Some individuals had some wonderful emotions. The woman with the issue of blood "felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering" after simply touching his garment. What a beautiful word picture of release and freedom. I remember feeling this when God set me free from the chains of a troubled childhood. He truly is the one who sets prisoners free! Jairus, when his dead daughter was raised to life, was astonished. This word seems to be different than the crowds being amazed, as their amazement seems to be filled with doubt. His astonishment seems to be the sudden filling of wonder that only an event like this could produce. The women at Jesus' empty tomb felt bewildered, with good reason.

The most amazing thing to me about this study, was the emotions that Mark chose to describe Jesus:

1. He was indignant with the man who said "if you are willing."
2. He was filled with anger and deep distress when he saw the stubborn hearts of the Jews after he healed a man's arm on the Sabbath. They would not assent that it is better to do good and give life on the Sabbath than to do evil and kill. 
3. He was amazed at lack of faith from the people of his hometown. 
4. He was filled with compassion for the crowds as they were like sheep without a shepherd, and as they had gone all day without food. 
5. He was indignant with the disciples when they sent the children away and rebuked the people. Instead he brought the little children to himself and blessed them. 
6. He was deeply distressed, troubled, and overwhelmed with sorrow as he prayed in the Garden that the cup would pass from him. 

I serve a Savior who cares deeply for my afflictions. He is distressed when I don't trust him and when I stubbornly stick to my way of doing things. He loves children and blesses them. He is filled with compassion for me and for all those who are hurting, alone, and helpless. He is a Savior who feels deeply. 

Story of Ephesians

Once we were...	We heard the Word of Truth	We should now then live...
dead in sin followed the ways of the world followed the ruler of the air gratified sinful desires followed sinful desires and thoughts objects of wrath uncircumcised Gentiles separate from Christ excluded from citizenship foreigners to the covenant without hope without God had futile thinking darkened in understanding separated from the life of God hardened in our hearts lost sensitivity given to sensuality indulging in impurity full of greed in the dark disobedient doing things that are shameful to mention	Blessed with every spiritual blessing in Christ chosen adopted redeemed forgiven lavished with grace made for the praise of Jesus’ glory included in Christ Marked with the seal of the Holy Spirit made alive in Christ saved by grace raised with Christ seated with Him God’s workmanship created to do good brought near given access to the Father declared fellow citizens declared members of God’s household built up brought together made heirs able to approach God with freedom and confidence given grace as Christ apportioned it equipped for works of service taught to put off the old self made new created to be like God in righteousness and holiness sealed for the day of redemption made the light in the world	giving thanks remembering prayer knowing him better not being discouraged being strengthened with power allowing Christ to dwell in us grasping God’s grace being filled to the measure of his fullness living worthy being humble and gentle being patient bearing with one another keeping unity building up the body becoming mature speaking truth in love growing into the head, Christ putting off falsehood speaking truthfully not sinning in anger not giving the devil a foothold not stealing working sharing with the needy not speaking with unwholesome talk building others up not grieving the Spirit not having bitterness, rage, brawling, slander, or malice being kind and compassionate forgiving walking in love not walking in sexual immorality not being impure, greedy, obscene, foolish not joking coarsely being full of thanksgiving living as a child of the light having goodness, righteousness and truth finding out what pleases God being wise not getting drunk being filled with the Spirit speaking with psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs singing and giving thanks submitting to one another wives submitting to husbands husbands loving wives children obeying parents fathers training and instructing their children in the Lord slaves obeying masters serving wholeheartedly being strong in the Lord putting on the full armor of God standing firm praying in the Spirit with all kinds of prayers being alert These are summarized by: Know/ Believe: Jesus, his hope, his power, his encouragement, his indwelling, his love, that he is the head, what pleases God. Living worthy: being humble, gentle, mature, thankful, full of light, good, righteous, truthful, wise, filled with the Spirit, strong, firm, alert, and bold, working and giving thanks and praying. Taking off: falsehood, sin, stealling, unwholesome talk, bitterness, rage, brawling, slander, malice, sexual impurity, greed, obscenity and foolish talk, drunkenness. And doing for others: being patient, bearing, unified, truthful, speaking in psalms and spiritual songs, sharing with the needy, kind, compassionate, loving and submitting.

Conviction in Bible Class

Recently, in my 9th grade Bible class, I was explaining the ten commandments. I love what a great teacher God is. There are actually 613 commandments, but they are summarized in the original ten. We are not to murder, then the rest of the law delineates the difference between murder and man slaughter. It explains how retribution and restitution are to be made. He says not to commit adultery in the ten, then in the rest he outlines all kinds of sexual sins that are forbidden.

I explained to the class what each commandment meant, and also how Jesus expounds on the commandments drawing out that the sin of the heart is equal to sin of action. 

I got to the last of the ten commandments, and I was struck with unplanned, instant and intense conviction. The last of the ten is, "Do not covet." This one sin stands as the bedrock of all the other sins. When we covet what we don't have, we will commit all the previous nine. To fully understand this, we must understand what coveting is. It is not just wanting something. It is not just desire. Coveting is longing for something. It is obsessing about that object, obsessing about the desire for it. It is plotting and planning how to do get it. It is getting it at all costs. I found myself giving a personal example of coveting and thus conviction pierced my heart. 

The thing I usually covet is sweets. So take a brownie for example. I will get it into my head that I want a brownie. So then I start thinking about it. I keep thinking about it. I think of where I could get one. I hear a voice in my heart telling me it is not a good idea. I ignore the voice. I make up all these reasons why it is good for me to have it: "I've been good this week." "I'll just work out longer later." "I've had a hard day." "I deserve it." "God wants me to have good things, and a brownie is good." "No one will know that I had a brownie." "Screw it, I want the brownie, I am going to have the brownie." 

This obsession then turns into how can I get it. I make a plan and I eat it, ignoring the strong warning in my spirit. Before I even finish the first bite, I am thinking about the second brownie I am going to eat and how I want another one. Then, the problems gear into full force. I am hypoglycemic, so one or two brownies have the potential of causing really bad physical problems. The high blood sugar makes me feel jittery and hyper. Then I crash. I start to shake, get highly irritable, lose concentration, get exorbitantly tired. 

That means that because of the choice to eat those brownies I so coveted, I sacrifice my relationship with my students as I can't teach well with no concentration. I sacrifice my relationship with my husband as he is the first I will snap at and be ugly to. I sacrifice any relationship outside of that because I can't be around people when I am tired, irritable, and blurred speech. I also have sacrificed my relationship with God, as I have ignored the warnings from His Spirit. I also am filled with shame and guilt, that cause separation and insecurities. 

I put a brownie over God, over my husband, over my ministry to my students, over friendships. I put a brownie over God. My heart hurts at the admission. I want to cry as I stand before my students vulnerable. When I first mentioned coveting brownies, there were chuckles in the room, as they thought it a silly thing to covet. As I finished you could pin drop in the room, as they all realized the gravity of what coveting, especially coveting silly things, can damage. Even as I write these words my heart hurts. The graven image I have made and bowed down to is not made of wood, gold, or stone. Instead it is made of sugar and flour and in a minute is consumed. 

Oh what a wretched sinner I am, who will save me from this body of death?  

Spiritual Lessons from Zumba

I have started a journey (once again) toward eating healthy and exercising regularly. I find that the only exercise I don't have to psych myself out for is Zumba. Now, let me clarify, I am not in any way a dancer. I do however try really hard and have a great time laughing at my blundering attempts to stay on beat, go in the right direction, and get my hips to move. To be honest, I look like a fool, but I love it.

Since I am not a dancer and rhythm does not come easily to me I find my eyes glued to the back of the instructor. Occasionally, I feel a level of comfort enough to look up and really get into it, but there is always the fall back of the teacher with her huge smile and her gyrating hips that I can look to. Many times I stand there staring thinking "How can she get her body to do that?"

Yesterday, as I was "dancing" I started thinking about spiritual things. See Paul repeatedly told the believers he wrote to to follow him. He admonished them to live the kind of life they had witnessed he lived. He told them to emulate him. Last night in Zumba I saw this command differently.

There are some people whom God has gifted to easily listen to music, find the rhythm, and move with beauty and grace. There are others like myself who can try all they want to, but will probably always be a step behind with awkward movement. It is the same spiritually. Some people easily understand and communicate spiritual things. They can commune with God with ease. They see life through the lens of how God is moving. Other people struggle to see the spiritual. They have a desire to commune with God, but often find they don't know how. They feel like spiritual matters are nothing but awkward blundering.

So comes Paul's directive: Follow me.

My Zumba instructor last night got us dancing by smiling, encouraging us, giving instruction like: "Pick up your feet," "Breathe," "Really get into it." She mastered the zone of proximal development by starting off easy. Then she would add in a few more moves of the arms or slightly faster feet. Then she would pull out something way beyond our skill level. She didn't stay there long, but just gave us a hint of where we could be after working at this for a while. Mostly, though, she taught us, by dancing in front of us. As she danced, I could watch what she did, and imitate it. I didn't imitate it well, but it was indeed a semblance of what she was doing.

So spiritual leaders do the same with those who spirituality does not come easily. They encourage with words. They instruct. They correct. But mostly they teach by living out their spirituality in front of others so that they can be emulated.

The Word Became Flesh

In church we are have just begun a series on the book of John. This prompted a new look at John 1 for me.
Here are my thoughts.

Jesus is....

• The Word
• He speaks
• He communicates 
• He relates 
• He engages 

• God 
• He is powerful 
• He is sovereign
• He is outside of time and space 
• Life 
• He creates 
• He breathes life and vitality
• He is infinitely creative 
• Light 
• He shines in the darkness 
• He overcomes the darkness 
• Child-maker 
• He gives people the right to be children of God 
• He gives this right despite birth, breeding, rank, background, law
• Flesh 
• He became flesh
• He chose to become flesh
• He lived among us, with us
• Full of Grace 
• He shows God's glory 
• He is full of grace and truth
• He gives grace that covers over the grace given with the law 
• One and Only Son 
• He is God 
• He communes with God 
• He is in closest relationship with the Father
• He makes the Father known

Because he is the Word, I can trust that he will speak to me. He will relate to me. He will engage me. 

Because he is God, I can believe that he knows and has complete control and authority over my life. He can handle my problems and anxieties. He can handle my problems. He holds my future. He can and will bring about his will in my life. I can also trust that he will show great creativity in my life. 

Because he is life, I can trust that he will speak life and vitality into my life. He will breathe the breath of God in my heart and life. Through him, I can truly live the life that is truly life. I am his well-watered garden. He will care for me as a gardener prunes and waters his vines. 

Because he is the light, I can believe that he can and will defeat the darkness inside me and around me. HE will shine into the darkness that surrounds me and he will overcome it. 

Because he is the child-maker, I can believe that I am God's child. He loves me. He will protect me. He is for me and he is on my side. I can believe that I don't have to be born into the right family, marry into the right family, or buy my way into the right family. I already belong to God's family. 

Because he became flesh, I can trust that he can relate to me. He is near. He sees where I live; he lives where I live. He is with me. He also can show me God's glory. Like Moses' face shone, so Jesus' face shines with the glory of God. I don't have to hide from it. I too, through Jesus, can partake in a shiny face. I can experience God's glory. I can praise God for his glory without inhibition. 

Because he is full of grace and truth, I can believe that God will show me grace when I sin, fail, rebel, mess up. He is full of loving-kindness. I can believe he will restore, redeem, repair, refresh. He won't just expunge my sin, he will cover it over with his grace and truth. 

Because he is God's only Son, I can believe that he will show me how to relate to God. I was going to say that he would show me how to please God, but actually he shows me that because of him, I already do please God. God's One and Only Son pleads for me. God is pleased with me because he is pleased with him. 

So where the rubber meets the road...

• Jesus is the Word, so I know he will speak to me. He will tell me things to pray for those I love. He will show me what he wants me to do, where he wants me to go. He will tell me things about himself my heart so longs to hear. I need to listen expectantly for his word.
• Jesus is God. I am not. I need to relinquish my need for control. I need to surrender to the Almighty. I need to obey. I need to trust him. 
• Jesus is life. I can't settle for mediocrity or subsistence. This half-life I have been pursuing has left me void. I need to eat and drink of him. I need to find in him my refreshment and satisfaction. 
• Jesus is light. Anxiety oppresses me. I need to believe that Jesus is big enough to overcome the dark moods that come over me. He is able to overcome the darkness around me. He will shine through me and in me. 
• Jesus is the child-maker. I am God's child. I can't look for acceptance from people. I can't allow the insecurities of people-please to control me. I can't find my identity in what I look like or how people perceive me. I need to trust that I am loved and accepted by the Creator of the Universe, my dad. 
• Jesus became flesh. He understands my desire to overeat, my compulsion, my obsession. I have to believe that Jesus is with me. 
• Jesus is full of grace. He does forgive. The law, the first grace, shows me my deficit. Jesus, the second full grace, shows me Gods fullness. I have to believe that his love covers over my failures, my sins, my inadequacies, my insecurities, my deficiencies, my weakness. He covers all of it with full grace. I need to stop covering them up myself, I am not very good at it. I don't have to have it all together. I am a sinner in need of grace. I have to stop pretending I am better than I am. 
• Jesus is God's Son. I have to believe he will show me the Father. I can know the Father, which is what my heart so desperately wants. 

Because Jesus is the word, I am spoken to. 

Because Jesus is God, I am taken care of. 

Because Jesus is life, I have true life. 

Because Jesus is the light, I don't have to fear darkness. 

Because Jesus is the child-maker, I am God's child. 

Because Jesus became flesh, I am not alone. 

Because Jesus is full of grace, I am forgiven. 

Because Jesus is God's Son, I am accepted. 

A lesson in prayer

Me: "Johnny, do you want me to pray for your Biology test today?"
Johnny: "No, maybe I can pray by myself."
Me: "Okay."
Johnny: "Thank you, Jesus. (Looks at me and asks if it is okay) Today... Today... I want, maybe you to help me on my Biology test... Please."
Again at me: "It okay?"
Me: Yeah, well done.

I proceeded to tell him that God promises that when we call to him he will hear us and answer us. It might not be the answer we want, but he will answer. He also says that if we seek him, we will find him. He tells us that we do not need to be anxious about anything, but in everything, with thanksgiving, we can pray to Him. I told Johnny that it doesn't matter what it is we can pray about it. God cares about Biology tests because it is something that makes us anxious. He cares that we miss China. We can talk to him about anything that makes us anxious and we know that He hears us, He cares, and He will answer.

Today, my heart swells with joy at this first small spark of faith in this boy God has given me. My heart also swells with joy at the reminder that we do serve El Roi, the God who sees and hears us. The God who cares about our anxieties and burdens. The God who can lighten them.

Lesson on Contentment

I don't wait well. I can be very impatient. 

When it is summer, I can't wait for the routine of the school year. When I am in school, I can't wait till I can sleep in everyday, clean my house (really clean it), read for fun, stay in my pajamas till noon that comes with the summer. 

When I was single, I longed and ached and cried for the days when I would belong to someone. Now, that I am married, I long and ache for children. 

God's timing is not my own, and so I am often told to wait. 
Mission field: wait. 
Perfectly tailored career: wait. 
Perfectly tailored husband: wait. 
Perfectly tailored family: wait. 

I don't like waiting. Now, I do have to say that all the blessings the Lord has bestowed on me have been so worth the wait. I have not always waited well. And now, standing on the edge of a new season, but having to wait to cross into it, I am tempted to not wait well now either. 

The other day, God spoke to my heart. "Godliness with contentment is great gain." I also hear Paul's challenge in his example: "I have learned to be contentwhatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."

and then come the how 

1. I can do all this through him who gives me strength. This is not a tag line thrown out before a football game, or a prayer sent up as you shoot the winning basket. This is the secret to contentment. I can be content because through Jesus I can do it. Through Jesus I can wait in godliness not impatience. Through Jesus I can be thankful for my current lot. Through Jesus I do not pine for what I do not have. 
2. Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again rejoice. 
3. Let my gentleness be evident to all. 
4. I cannot be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, I can present my requests to God. 

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard my heart and your mind in Christ Jesus.

This is how I can wait in contentment: I can rejoice, give thanks, be gentle to those around me, and take my anxiety to Jesus who will give me peace and who will give me the strength to do it. 

Practical Redemption

God redeems. I know this to be true. I have lived his redemptive work. I often think of redemption in connection with the day I made a decision for Him. He forgave me of my sins. He rescued me from the dominion of darkness. He brought me into the kingdom of the Son he loves. I was fourteen when he invited me to take off my good girl mask and truly walk with him. That was the day he redeemed me. 

I also think of redemption in the huge ways that God has taken the big parts of my heart that were really broken and healed them. I think of the hard core, intense work he did for me in college. He revealed all the broken, messed up reactions and coping mechanisms I had built up because the dark things I experienced as a child. The years in college were my redemption years. God truly healed me and made me whole. 

I also think how he redeemed my single adult loneliness, by giving me, in his perfect timing, the perfect mate for me. He tailor-made him for me. He brought us together in such a way that I cannot deny God's existence and personal involvement in my life. 

The other day, I was caused to think about redemption in a new way. It was not in the big life events. God does redeem us from sin and hell, from painful pasts, from oppressing loneliness. But He also redeems so much more. His redemption, if we are looking, can be seen in the smaller things too. 

This hit my heart as we were sitting across from the table from one of the leaders at our church, sharing a meal. Six months ago, church life was hard for us. My husband was having trouble with a leader in our church. He was feeling undervalued and unheard. This caused resentment to build up, and everything became a source of tension and contention. At the same time, I was feeling so alone. In so many ways God had stayed my hand from getting involved in things at the church. My first year of marriage was not to be one of intense ministry, yet that is what I knew, my MO. Many Sundays, for both of us, were spent venting and grieving as frustrations grew in him and loneliness grew in me.  

Now, six months later, we're sharing a pizza and our hearts with that same church leader. I hear him speak words of life into our current life stage and situation. I hear him speak words of respect about my husband. I hear him asking for my opinion and involvement in this church that was such a lonely place for me previously. We get in the car. Dave and I look at each other with big smiles on our faces. We leave that dinner feeling encouraged, loved, and pushed toward Jesus by a man who six months earlier was a primary reason we were contemplating "church shopping." 

As I pondered this change, God spoke to my heart: "This is redemption." 

What is right is so hard

Two months ago, Dave and I found out about some international students that needed host families. I mentioned it to him expecting him to say it is not the right timing. I was surprised to hear that Dave was on board. By the end of the conversation, we were talking about furniture we would have to purchase and changes we would have to make to our spare room. It then all happened very quickly. We talked to the coordinator for the company the next day. We were approved the following Monday. Our Chinese son came three weeks later.

Xindong (Johnny) came in being taller than we expected a Chinese teenager to be. He is 16, funny, social. The first week was amazing. We found ourselves thinking how grateful we were to have this particular kid as the transition seemed to go so smoothly.

Then, small irritations began growing. He wanted to do laundry every day. He wouldn't interact with me in the car. He was constantly talking on his phone in Chinese. I prayed for patience as I have had enough cross-cultural experience to be able to label this as culture shock.

Then, the small irritations grew into big problems. He fell asleep in church. It seemed like he wasn't even trying to stay awake. The next day, we got emails from multiple teachers about his being tardy to class and then falling asleep. They also included concerns about how broken his English is, how little work ethic he has, and how behind he is the other students.

We met with the coordinator. She was so encouraging. She told us we had the freedom to parent this child as if he was our own. So my wonderful husband created a document laying down the law. The basics: the cell phone was only allowed to be used for one hour a day; it would be with us the rest of the time, ten o'clock bedtime, homework out in the dining room, no basketball till his grades improve. We started the meeting with the no cell phone and immediately his whole demeanor showed that he understood and was probably not able to hear any of the rest of the conversation.

We finished talking and I asked him to put his phone on the table. He said no. It suddenly was no longer a conversation, but a battle of the wills. He argued the unfairness of it. He argued that it was his possession. He argued that the other students have worse grades and get to keep their phone. He wanted to call his parents, his aunt, the organization. With each argument I firmly told him to put the phone on the table. Forty five minutes I sat shaking, adamant. Forty five minutes my husband reasoned that this is best. Forty five minutes Johnny argued and said no. Finally, with tears in his eyes, he put the phone on the table.

He went to his room. I cried.

We shortly after met with our pastor. He shared that in parenting consistency is what is primarily important. He then shared something I have never fully understood until now:

Law is given so that grace can be shown. That was always the intent of the law. God gave the Israelites the law as an avenue to show grace. The grace of Jesus is more glorious on the backdrop of firm, rigid, consistent implementation of the law. So in parenting, you have to lay down the law. You have to have rules and boundaries. You have to consistently enforce them. But then you show grace, intentionally display Gospel-grace. It is so vivid and powerful when you see grace in light of consistent law.

The opportunity to show grace came yesterday, for our boy. The coordinator met with him. She came in rigid, but within a few minutes of talking with him, she realized this boy is suffering from severe homesickness. He misses primarily his mother. She called me and shared the sadness he is feeling. He actually cried on her shoulder as he received her motherly embrace. She told me: he misses his mom, so you are going to be so important in him getting over this homesickness. Be his American mom.

My heart broke for him. I picked him up yesterday. Tears welled up in his eyes again. I told him it was alright to be sad, and alright to cry. So he cried and I cried. I put my hand on his knee and we cried all the way home.

Last summer I received a word that I would be a mother, a mother to many, a mother to children not from my womb, a mother to children from all over the world, a mother who would raise my children in righteousness and godliness. Yesterday, I brokenly got to live that word out with my tall, social, homesick, Chinese son.

Spirit World

Paul said that our battle is against the rulers, authorities, powers of this dark world and spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Wouldn't it be amazing if God would suddenly open our eyes to the unseen world? Amazing, yet I don't think we could handle it. It seems cool on this side of the seen, but I think we might cower if we saw it on that side.

Every once in a while, though. God rips just a little tear in the other dimension. Our eyes "play tricks" on us and we see the invisible. We see it in lights and shadows; in contorted expressions and radiant faces of peace; we see it in tormented anxiety and deep breaths. If we pay attention we are invited to "see" the unseen.

We are also invited to take up our shields and swords and fight along side our Creator. Sometimes He sees our helpless estate and He swoops in and fights the battle around us, for us. But other times, He hears us say words like, "You are able to do more than we ask or imagine, please do more now." and He rises up and says, "You missed a huge part. See I can do amazing things, more than you ask or imagine, but it is through you, through the power at work in you.

Gift of Confrontation

Recently, I have been complimented often as having the gift of confrontation. The High School version of myself shakes my head in incredulity. I mean really, I once broke out in hives because I had to tell someone to show up to meetings on time. I wept as I confronted a classmate on his crude joking, and almost threw up several times at having to tell someone when my feelings had been hurt.

So what has changed I wonder? I have realized lately, that life seems to be a game of constantly learning about myself. Here are some conclusions I have come to. I am direct. In high school, I was a shadow of who God wanted me to be, as the hurt I had gone through was left to increase and morph undisturbed in the caverns of my heart. Now, as God has taken me through severe healing, "I am becoming what I once was, a girl in the mirror of God's love." As I look in His mirror, I see myself as He sees me, or am beginning to at least. So I see that I am indeed direct, but I am also connecting dots as to how it works, which I will now share.

First, I have a strong wrong/right meter. If something taps onto the wrong side of that meter especially when I have any position of authority, I feel compelled almost obsessively to make it right. So at school, I confront things like disobedience and immodesty immediately. Confronting often though has to happen when I have been injured in some way, and it is very different. First, because I am a thinker vs. a feeler, it takes a lot for me to be hurt. When I am, I don't know what to do with the emotions that supersede my strong thinker mentality. So I clam up to digest them. Outwardly, I spend time alone, tersely responding to questions and initiating none, especially with the offending party. Inwardly though, my mind is in a race. I mull over the entire situation over and over again. I think of every way I have been wronged. I think of every way I have been in the wrong. I stir and stir and stir. It is all to get the feeling back into the thinking. Once it makes the jump back over I have a decision... to confront or not. Confrontation then must happen or I will like Mr. Darcy sever all contact. It is 

The Faith of...

Some friends of mine recently found out the worst news anyone could ever get: Doug, a forty-five year old, non-smoker, has stage four lung cancer.

Now, Doug and Michelle are a godly couple who have given their lives to loving and serving God and people. I have been an observer and witness to them struggle through this tragic news. A few days ago they stood before the whole Christian school where they serve and shared with the students from 6-12th grade and the teachers their journey and their belief statements that have followed this news. I would like to share with you what they said. I am going to share it in first person but know that it is their voice not mine.

1. I am thankful for every breath God gives me. Everyday is a gift.
2. Several years ago, I gave an assignment asking students what they would do if they found out they didn't have much longer to live. I gave that assignment not knowing that would soon be told to me. I am doing exactly what I would have said. Everyday that God gives me I am telling you guys about Jesus and showing you how to live for him. That is what I will do till God calls me home. 
3. How bad is it? We are not taking stock in what the doctors say. They are saying that it is serious. But we know that our life is in God's hands. He is the one who determines the number of our days. Cancer will not steal a single day and minute of Doug's life. Cancer has no power. Doug's life will be over when God says His purposes for Doug are finished. Nothing can steal life. God is the one in control.
4. How are you doing? We are full of peace, joy, and thanksgiving. We know that God will use this for his glory. We believe God has a purpose for this and we are grateful that He has counted us worthy to share in his purposes. 
5. God prepared us for this. Several months ago, God gave us a passage that has come up over and over again. In Daniel 3, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were told to bow down to a statute of Nebuchadnezzar. When they wouldn't, Nebuchadnezzar said if they didn't they would be thrown into a fiery furnace. Their response was, "King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up." We, like them, state that we know God is able to deliver us, and will deliver us, but even if he doesn't we will not serve other gods. We believe that the same thing that happened because of their faith will happen because of ours. Nebuchadnezzar made the fire four times hotter and threw them in bound. Nebuchadnezzar, then, saw four men walking around, unbound, and the fourth looks like the Son of God. He decreed praise to the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. God has brought cancer into our lives. We believe he can and will deliver us. If he does, or if he doesn't and this ends in death, we know that the Son of God, Jesus Christ, will be praised and many will worship the one true God. 
6. We are worshipping God through this at every step. We are choosing to worship. We are battling with worship. We have been confronted with another passage where the enemy was coming against Judah. God sent a word to the king of Judah to send the worshippers out first. Not the archers, not the swordsmen, not the calvary... the worshippers. Because they obeyed and worshipped, God delivered them from the enemy. So we are worshipping first. 
7. I also have to say that this did not come at first. When I first heard, I wept. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I laid in bed, and I doubted if God even existed. I wondered if I had been deluding myself all this time into believing all of this stuff. But I woke up. I chose to show up, to read my Bible, to cry out to God, to lean on him. I didn't feel him for days. But I continued to choose to cry out to him. It had to be a choice. I commanded my spirit to worship. If I had leaned on my feelings, I would have walked away from him. For days I didn't feel him. But then one day, after once again choosing to worship him and thank him, he clearly showed up and I was filled with his presence. I need to tell you, when things are rough you need to volitionally choose to lean on him and trust in him. Do not lean on feelings because they will lead you astray. 
8. Lastly, I need to share with you that God has been faithful to give us really beautiful moments through all of this. The night I found out that it was stage four is a prime example. My sister-in-law, who is a radiologist, called after she saw all the images. I knew as soon as I heard her voice that it was bad. I told my daughter to take the little ones to Chick-Fil-A. I cried and cried. When Doug came home after work, we sat on our porch where we had sat together a million times before. When I told him it was stage four, he answered in true Doug fashion, "Well, that is disappointing." We then sat there watching the sunset over the lake in our backyard. It was one of the most beautiful, peaceful sunsets. The two of us just sat there and together sang "Blessed be your name." It was something I thought I would never have to tell my husband, but God turned it into one of the most beautiful moments of our marriage. 
9. God is good. He has a plan. We will walk with him no matter what that plan entails. 

I sat there listening, with tears streaming down my face. I diligently pray several things. I pray that God will continue to decrease the cancer in his body till it is gone completely. I pray that God will give this amazing couple numerous conversations with doctors and nurses about the grace of God. I pray many will come to know Jesus through this journey. I pray that God will strike a revival in Norfolk Christian School and that he will use the Sandwell's faith to bring it about. I pray that Michelle's brothers will turn back to the Lord as they watch their sister faithfully suffer for the name of Christ. I pray that God will continue to lavish them with encouragement and supernatural joy. I pray he will rid them of all fear and doubt. 

I also pray that when trials come, God would give me a double portion of the faith of Doug and Michelle Sandwell. I pray that my spirit will learn from their example how to bring glory to the name of Jesus despite bad news, sickness, and the face of death. 

By Faith...

I am digesting a sermon I heard this morning.

Hebrews 11

This passage is all about men and women who did extraordinary things though they were ordinary, real, sinful people. Each one of them accomplished something that changed the world, yet each one of them was human and fallen.

Take Noah as an example. By faith he considered himself an ark builder. God told him to build an ark; God said he was an ark builder. Because Noah believed what God said about him, he did what God told him to do.

So often there are curses and sins in our lives that have passed down from one generation to another. The idols of our fathers become our idols. The voice of these idols deafens our ears to hear who God says that we are. So we dumb down God's image inside us. We dumb down his guidance. We dumb down his equipping of us. We believe and live out things contrary to what God says about us.

Faith though means we believe and count as true what God says about us. This belief gives us power to live out what God tells us to do, and it lessens the power of the loud voices that speak contrary to that divine self-view.

I have struggled, truly struggled all my life with overeating. This is a struggle that was present in my parents, my grandparents, my great grandparents. The voice of this struggle has lead me to believe things about myself and behave in ways according to those beliefs. This struggle has affected how I eat, think, dream, dress, carry myself, act in groups, and act alone. In so many ways, this struggle has altered and predicted my whole life. I have believed about myself that I am an addict who is controlled by my addiction.

The pastor ended the sermon this morning that there is something God is calling us. He is naming me. He is speaking my worth. If God is pleased by faith, then it will be in my believing this thing that he is calling me and living that out that I will feel and enjoy his pleasure. I always thought God was displeased that I overeat. Today, I realized that God is displeased because I have believed something about myself that is contrary to what he has named me, and therefore I overeat. He is displeased at my lack of faith.

So then I am faced with the question: What is it about myself that God wants me to believe? What is he calling me? What belief statement does he want my actions to stem from?

This summer these questions were posed to me at Ruby's House of Prayer in Nicaragua. When I first received the word I was excited but fearful. As the summer progressed, I doubted these names God gave me as I am not sure how to live them out in my normal context. Today, God brought those things to mind. It is time to start believing them.

God has called me:

1. A prophetess: God has called me a woman who speaks his word, who brings healing to the sick and broken, who proclaims what is, what was and what will be with the authority of Jesus Christ. This calling means that He will give me power to speak without fear, to stand in the gap for others without fear. He will strengthen me where men will not go. He will speak through me in ways that it cannot be denied that it is from him.  
2. A mother: God will give me children. He will give me many children. He will give me children that are not of my womb. He will strengthen me to mother them, teaching them, training them, and growing them into spiritual giants who are in love with the Creator of the universe. 
3. A prayer warrior: God will strengthen me to pray intimately, fervently, intensely, powerfully. God has promised that the prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. God will give me many powerful and effective prayers. Through prayer I will cry God's tears and feel his heart. I will be allowed to lay hands on people and pray for them and see them be healed. 

I say these things not to be arrogant, but in faith. God has called me these things. I do not call myself these things, I simply believe and declare that he has called me these things. I also want to say that like the men in Hebrews 11, I might not see these things come to be. My faith will not falter. I will continue to believe these things. No longer will I hide behind my weight and my baggy clothes. No longer will I excuse not living in these things because I am an addict. I choose to believe them. I choose to live them out. 

TV Tears

I am watching a TV show with tears running down my face. It is a mindless drama, yet it hit me hard today. The storyline: a cabby strapped for cash gets killed, the investigation leads the cops to the knowledge that he had built a radioactive bomb. All the cops are instructed to keep the information to themselves, and yet they are all trying to convince their families to leave town. It is at this point that I found my heart stricken. What if it were my town with a missing bomb? What if I knew, and I couldn't tell my husband? I would find a reason for him to go to his parents house in PA. I would want him to be safe. The tears came as I realized that I would be devastated if anything happened to my husband.

What a gift God gives us. He gives us the ability to love another, to spend everyday with them. He gives us the opportunity to know and be known. To love someone, means great happiness and fulfillment. However, it also means there is the greatest opportunity to experience pain. Today, I experienced pain at the mere thought of losing my husband. Thank God it was just a thought and not a reality.

I realize this is the love of God for his people. He experiences great joy and fulfillment when his people call on him and love him in return. But oh the pain he must feel all the time! He experiences great pain when he looses his people, when they experience pain and death. His pain then is exacerbated when they also reject him, walk away from him, hate him and speak against him.